Why should you go?

First of all, the key word in this fund raiser will be fun, said Barbara Dennett, director of education and outreach for A Safe Place.

Dinner, an auction and swing dancing, all at the Sheraton Harborside in Portsmouth, can be enjoyed for $35 per ticket. The event runs from 7 to 11 p.m. Saturday.

Maybe more important is the event helps support the free services offered by this self-help agency.

Everyone at some point in their lives either experiences domestic abuse or knows someone who has been involved in a domestic situation. It touches people in every age group and at all income levels. Violence has no social barriers, said Dennett.

A Safe Place has no barriers either. They will help a woman get out of the situation and work with her to re-establish her life. They charge nothing for their services, and most of the staff are volunteers, there because they want to be.

Besides violence, perhaps the biggest weapon used by an abuser is isolation. Women stay in a marriage that is often dangerous to her and to her children because she has been led to believe there is no alternative. The isolation erodes her confidence and she cannot escape.

The mission statement of A Safe Place says it is a women-founded and women-run organization committed to the prevention and elimination of partner abuse. They focus on women and children.

A Safe Place aims to foster the right to self-determination for a person who has been abused, and is guided by the principles of non-violence, inclusiveness, mutual respect and shared decision making. Addressing abuse is accomplished through providing shelter, support services and advocacy, educating communities in Rockingham and Strafford Counties about relationship violence and social structures and attitudes which perpetuate abuse," according to the group's mission.

The power behind those words comes from the volunteers, those who will meet a woman in crisis and help her to get away from any immediate danger, who will go to court with a woman for a restraining order, or who will just sit and listen. Success in human terms.

The success of their agency is measured, not in dollars and cents, but in lives saved, in helping to give someone a future free of abuse. The products A Safe Place produces are whole healthy people, like Lindsey.

The stories here are about real people. The names have been changed for obvious reasons, to protect the women who were courageous enough to share their experiences.

I love them,'' said Lindsey. "I cannot put into words what I feel, except to say that if it wasn't for A Safe Place, I would not be alive," said Lindsey, very matter of factly. She no longer lives with her abusive husband, and she can speak calmly now about events she believes would have made her a prisoner for life.

She has a concentration camp survivor's attitude. She left an abusive marriage after three tries, with the support of A Safe Place.

You get so dependent, that's how they want it,'' said Linsdey. ``Leaving is like quitting smoking, it takes many tries."

I didn't know a lot about shelters, finally I just went to their office,'' said Lindsey.

They were so understanding. Because many of them have been there, they know where you are coming from.

Lindsey had to be hidden in a shelter for a while because she was being stalked by her husband. A Safe Place maintains a house, in a secret location. When her husband followed her there, using a different car, she had to leave. After she and her two children were swept off to a hotel in the middle of night, courtesy of A Safe Place, she was transferred the next day to a shelter in Maine.

It was A Safe Place she kept returning to for help because she felt more comfortable with the staff. She speculated that being volunteers, they seemed more caring than those staffing the Maine shelter, where they are paid workers.

"It was a nightmare time, that's all I can say," said Lindsey. "It was like being in a bad movie."

Lindsey left the marriage for good after being seriously injured in an auto accident. When her husband showed no caring or emotion toward her recovery, she knew, finally that he cared nothing for her other than as property. It was time to go, but she needed the support she got from A Safe Place. Today she grapples with the same problems we all do, how to pay the bills.

"But, I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I really do owe a lot to these wonderful people," she said.

Mary is still working toward that goal. Her case is extreme. Without the help of A Safe Place, and police in several states, she really would not be alive, she said. Her husband tried to kill her once and she is in this state hiding with her five children.

Mary is fighting hard. At one point she was living in a tent, with her children, in the back yard of a state trooper's house. Mary has her mail forwarded to another state, to give the impression that she might be living there. She never feels safe and is getting ready to move once again, to another state, believing motion keeps her and her family the safest.

"My husband was so violent," said Mary. "We were always walking on eggshells. I never slept at night, because that's when most of the violence occurred. I was sitting at a computer one night when he shot it, trying for me." Luckily for Mary, his second shot was to his own foot as he tripped trying for another chance.

They were married for 20 years.

Mary said her husband was physically, sexually, emotionally and socially abusive; it just never stopped. She fled the state she was living in, the same day he returned to be sentenced.

Police and a crime victims unit flew Mary to New Hampshire because she had people here who were willing to help her get restarted. Unfortunately, a relative of her husband's tipped him off that she was in the state. A Safe Place has been working with her all along.

When we showed up we were filthy, we hadn't eaten. The first thing they did was to send us to McDonalds,'' said Mary. "I thought they'd think we were homeless street people; actually, I guess we were.

They are always there for me, to listen, to offer a suggestion,'' said Mary. ``I am still in shock a bit, I guess. But, I am starting to know that with people like them out there, I can come out the other side."

Dennett said the support of the communities is the only way the agency is able to offer free services. And, most of the people who come have been so trapped by financial control, that it is the only way they would seek help.

A Safe Place is pretty well known for their support piece.
Dennett wants people to begin to realize they are branching out, making education a key part of their programs. Teen-dating violence is one area the staff wants to address. Programs are being placed in area high schools, including Portsmouth.

Teen-agers still think jealousy equates with love," said Dennett. "We need to show them where it can lead, to teach them it is about control and rage, not love."

Attitudes are changing; domestic violence is not the deep family secret it once was,'' said Dennett. But, they are changing slowly and women remain in dangerous situations, out of fear.

We need to stop blaming the victim and to realize that many men do not think they are doing anything wrong,'' said Dennett. A positive sign of change is that the number of men killed by their partners has decreased. But, the number of women killed has stayed the same, said Dennett.

The payoff?
"We see these women get free, after crying, after falling down," said Dennett. "They run into many roadblocks, but they get away. That's how we can do it each day, that's our reward."

Swing the Night Away' on Saturday, April 10 fropm 7 to 11 p.m. Tickets are $35 and may be reserved by calling A Safe Place at 436-7924 by Wednesday.