thoughts and such
I was shocked today when...
shit.
well, rick came over, it took him a few minutes to find out what was new (i wanted him to figure it out {surprise} instead of telling him), then once he knew, he didn't hesitate to tell me how much he hated it. i got my work stuff together, we left, and by the time we were barely away from my house, he told me that after he went to the bank, he was taking me back home. he's gone now, i'm crying, and here i am writing in my "diary." i feel so stupid because i know i shouldn't really care if he likes my earrings or not, but it hurts. it hurts that he would act this way about it. cutting seems my best and dearest option, but i've either trashed all my razors or given the good ones to rick. maybe i'll get some new ones before work. bleeding would feel soo good right now. slapping him in the face would feel good too. for hurting me again. again again again.
Everybody Hurts
REM,
Everybody hurts
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone
this is what i'm listening to right now. i love this song. i think the video is Love Hina based..i can't remember. it's another video download i got from
AMV. goodstuff. i gotta work today. i go in at 6 this evening. rick should be here any minute. or maybe in 30. i can't remember what time. i can't wait till wednesday. we're having something of a date, something we haven't done in...foreffingever. we're gonna rent movies and spend the evening together. not really doing much else. except for we're gonna go to get that Steel Angel Kurumi
DVD set i want after school. i found out that Best Buy has it for only $38 as opposed to the $53 Media Play wants. but i don't think i can get it from the store, i think i have to order it online. i durno. either way, i can't wait to have it. btw, i have the hiccups once again. i dunno if i ever mentioned it before, but i get the hiccups EVERY SINGLE DAY. sometimes i only get one or two at a time, sometimes i have them for an hour or more. sometimes i get them more than once a day, more than twice. they drive me crazy, but i'm getting somewhat used to them. i at least prefer when i only get one, two, or three hiccups and then they go away for a while, as opposed to these, which i've had for a while today. hey, speak of the devil, they're gone now. rick just called, he's on his way.
did i mention how much these second earrings bug me while i'm on the phone? i hate hearing them scratch against the plastic. it kills me. i wonder what rick will say when he sees them? i'm not sure how he will react at all, b/c he's funny about stuff like that. i don't know if he wont care since it's just my ears, or if he'll flip. he doesn't want my hair dyed or cut, my tongue or belly peirced (the tongue peircing is what i
really want), any kind of change like that. so i durno.
i've brushed my teeth 3 times today and used listerine mouthwash, but my mouth still feels odd. i dunno what it is, it feels kinda thick, like after you drink milk or something. who knows?
Ouch!..again!
today went ok. i went to eat lunch with stephanie at her school, and my salad was ok but i was so nervous around all those kids. when i was in high school, i always skipped lunch and went to the nice & quiet library. her cafeteria was SO noisy. i talked my mom into signing stephanie out early (a once in a lifetime thing for me to do, since steph and i dont get along), and we spent the day shopping.
we went to WalMart for something, then the mall, i went to Hot Topic and got a harry potter shirt (VERY awesome), then my sister and mom talked me into getting a second peircing in my ear (stephanie got hers done after i got mine). now, the thing is, i really
wanted the peircing, but i was very scared to get it done. yeah i'm a weiner scardey cat when it comes to needles and sharp objects. nevermind that i used to be a cutter. it took the lady forever to calm me down enough to shoot me (she even tried to console me by saying "it's just like a staple gun"...). i'm glad i got it done now, but i'm afraid i wont keep up with the new peircings well enough. i was two when i got my first ones done. these are right above the old ones. anyway. then we went to Media Play, i got some chocolate/almond pocky (delicious) which i shared with my mom and sister, who'd never had it before. they loved it too. I found the only DVD set of Steel Angel Kurumi they had, somewhat hid it behind other DVD's, and i'm going back for it wednesday. it's $53, so i have to wait till i get my check cashed (tomorrow) to get it. and i can't wait.
now i'm just waiting for rick to get home from work, talking to my best friends on AIM (caiti and frances), and messing around on here. goodstuff. well, i guess i'm gonna end this and do some other stuff. caio.
Ouch!
i pricked my finger on a thorn pruning the rosebush today :( . it hurts..i mean i'm not the kind to care about little stings but this feels different from when i've been pricked before. oh well. if you haven't noticed, i added a
new page to the site. it's a new favorite of mine, it'll prolly be updated a lot like this page. i think i'm gonna start archiving these entries by month, but i dunno b/c that would take up a lot of space. we'll see. i'm going to gastonia with rick today, to pick his brother up. we're gonna get one of his brothers xbox controllers (his brother has 4 and rick just has 1) so we can play together now. we'll i guess i'll ttyl. hibye
It's About Time
i couldn't think of a good title, so i named it after the music i'm listening to. It's About Time, by some popular guy group, along with a video about InuYasha and Kegome. one of my favorite couples. i got it from an
anime music video site. it's nice. i just got back from upstairs, watching stephanie blow out her candles, and giving her the calculator i got her. she seemed to really like it, but maybe she was just being nice. i hope she liked it.
today went slow. last night i didn't leave work till about 11:40pm, then i went home to get some clothes and rick drove me to my grandmother's house, 30 minutes away. so i got there at about 1:30. i felt bad, b/c if i'd known i wouldn't get there till late, i woulda waited till a different day when i could spend more time with her. so i stayed the night with her, left at about 1, watched The High Chapperall (however you spell it...it's a western) till then with my grandma. rick and i then went to Mama Fu's to get my schedule for this week. i'm only working tuesday evening and saturday morning...for a total of 8 hours. which sucks. rick and i hung out at his house till he had to go to work, and he brought me home. i haven't done anything productive today, but it was a nice day. i really liked the thunderstorm we had while i was at rick's place.
yesterday before work, i was really depressed. and afterward. before work, i was a mess though. i wanted to die. i don't know why i get that way... nothing really brought it on. i have just been so sad lately. rick and i came close to breaking up, but didn't. which has happened a lot it seems. i dunno. anyway, work got my mind off of things, and i fell asleep on the way to grandma's, and i guess things are still ok with me and rick. yesterday, we had been together for 8 months.
well i guess that's it for now. see ya around. hibye.
Here we go
sorry about yesterday's entry. shortstuff, i know. and sorry but i don't really feel like finishing what i started then, either.
i have been sneezing all day. it's driving me crazy. insane. yesterday was good, though. frances came over, and then mot did. speaking of which, buy his
bloody shoes! frances had to leave at 8, which sucked, then me and mot hung out and played clue, till 11, which turned out to be a draw. because apparently, you can't play with just 2 people. well i'm gonna do some stuff, see ya later.
yeah...
i went to a funeral today. for my uncle. not-so funstuff. i hate funerals. i think most of them are a farce. people whispering...ah gotta go, i'll finish later
I forgot to tell you...
i forgot to tell you...Look! I added titles to the..um..entries! yep. right now, i'm waiting on mot to come pick me up so we can hang out. i get to meet his boyfriend today! yay! *dances*. my mom is homophobic, so i've told her it's gonna be me, him, and his
girlfriend. which seems stupid to me, to have to say that, but america still isn't used to the idea. it's a shame that even though being gay has been around since the earliest scriptures, an estimated 6,000 years later people are still afraid of it. shoot.
Will you marry my boyfriend?
my friend mot wants me to marry his boyfriend. so his boyfriend won't get deported. he has till december to get married, and i turn 18 in october. (which for some weird reason i keep spelling as "octover" lately) i wanna do it. i really do. because mot means a lot to me, and if it would make two people who are in love very happy, it would make me feel really good. because making other people happy makes me happier than doing shit for myself. rick, however, says he'd leave me over it. even if it were "a business marrige and he can rake in on all your benefits... it's not a lovey-dove marrige... it's a really awkward, everyone wins, business marrige" as mot says. no sex involved. and only for 2 years. that's all i have to say for now. just thought i'd tell you about my amusing proposal.
I Wish I Was A Lesbian
I wish I was a Lesbian and not a hetero,
I wouldn't have to mess with men and all their come and go
and all that awful facial hair and yucky machismo!
Ooooh I wish I was a lesbian and not a hetero.
I wish I was a lesbian and that I wasn't straight,
I would sleep with women only, man it would be great!
I could throw away my diaphragm I wouldn't wanna mate!
Ooooh I wish I was a lesbian and that I wasn't straight, hey!
I wish I was a lesbian I'd like to be a dyke,
I would hang with K.D. Lang, Mel Gibson take a hike,
I think it would be nice to love someone who was alike.
Ooooh I wish I was a lesbian I'd like to be a dyke.
I wish I was a lesbian that's why this song is sung,
it shouldnt' have to matter how someone is hung,
other things are more important - like how you use your tongue!
blblblblbl I wish I was a lesbian that's why this song is sung, hey!
(I dare Casey Casem to play this)
I wish I was a lesbian I know it's sad but true,
then maybe I'd understand you guys and all you do,
but if I was a lesbian I wouldn't have to!
I wish I was a lesbian I know it's sad but true, hey
I wish I was a Lesbian and not a hetero,
I wouldn't have to mess with men and all their come and go
and all that awful facial hair and yucky machismo!
(I hate that damn machismo)
Ooooh I wish I was a lesbian and not a hetero.
I wish I was a lesbian and not a hetero.
I wish I was a lesbian and not a heterooooooo.
blblblblblblblblbl
I.W.I.W.A.L. by Loudon Wainright III
Give it to me straight (or gay)
IF you have the spare time...
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it:
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word:
20. What was your first impression of me?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your site and see what I say about you?
33. What will I be when I grow up?
email me at
[email protected] and tell me what you think!
on a darker side, my great uncle (great grandmother's brother Howard) died last night. sad stuff. i dunno what else to say about that..i'm not good with that kind of thing *frown*
JUSTIN IS SO
EFFING AWESOME!!
also, i don't know if it is because i am older, or what, but i never write "wat" or "u" or "2" instead of "two" or "sup" or anything on AIM or anything. and i don't understand why anyone
does. i really don't get it. no offense to anyone who does. i absolutely don't mean to sound rude when i say that. i just don't understand at all. maybe you could explain it to me. just maybe.
so today has gone "swimmingly." i haven't really done much, just had a lazy day. did some laundry, re-organized my closet since i got a new dresser, vaccuumed, messed with this site. i've been listening to
Launch a bit lately. my station plays mostly Nirvana, The Doors, The Beatles, Queen, Smashing Pumpkins, Coldplay, and such. goodstuff, if you ask me. i'm gonna try and go to my friend steven's house today, catch up with him. i only work tuesday and friday this week. i found out why my hours suck so bad! my manager thought i was still in school, so he has me working "school-friendly" hours. so i gotta fix that tomorrow.
overall, i feel a lot better today than i have the past few days. i mean, actually i'm starting to feel sick, since somethings going around my town, but i don't feel so sad today. i'd rather be pretty sick than very sad. i wish i could see caiti. i would be so happy! i'm gonna try and stay the night with her friday if she isn't too busy. i durno, i gotta IM or call her and see. oki well i'm gonna go do other stuff now. hibye.
ps: did i mention i forked over $135 for my sister's TI-84? she's gonna be SO happy, i know. she wants this so bad. i'm glad to please her but i wish it hadn't cost so much. ooooh American Pie is playing! *loves Don Mclean* ok i'm really gonna go now.
Something made me cry inside, the day the music died.....
i guess naps make everyone feel better *sigh*. wanna see the watch i'm gonna buy? it's so "rad!" yeah ok. it's a
1-up mushroom. clicky the linky to see what it looks like.
..{5:34pm}.. i want to cut so bad. but i know if i do, i'll want to do it again and again. quitting was too hard, and i don't wanna get started again. i did hurt my legs (bruising) but nothing bad. i don't know why i let myself get like this over something so stupid.
i went to the movies with frances today and it was great. *hug* i'm glad i got to see her again! we saw Dodgeball. pretty funny stuff.
blah...i gotta be at work in less than 3 hours. at least it's a friday, so the tips should be good. lunch with Holly was nice. the food was..well, you remember school lunch, right? but it was nice being with holly in her own enviornment (outside of home). i'm laying on rick's bed using his laptop now. he's gone to pick up his brother chaz from school. yay caiti is online!! i lurve caiti soooooo much. kisses for caiti. *slobber*
..{11:13am}.. i'm going to go eat lunch with my sister, Holly, today.funstuff, i'm off to the elementary school. i hope it isn't gonna be like it was when she was in fourth grade (ambushed my midgets). well i'm gonna write more later. ciao.
..exactly two hours from the last time i wrote..anywho. i'm gonna show you what i bought from
Hot Topic today. well, i looked for the stuff on the site and they don't have them, but earrings are long, dangly thingers. they have 4 chains each, with hearts attached to one, stars on another, lightning on another and some other shape on the fourth. i also got a Nintendo tshirt. it's blue, with a star smiling with "sparks" coming out of it, and it says "power up" underneath it. it's pretty darned cute. next time i go shopping, rick and i are using our %15 off discount card thinger. so we're gonna wait awhile till we have enough money to splurge and save money on shit. in other words, we need more money to save money. yeah. converse, tinkerbell pocketbook, bookbag, clothes, shoestrings, etc, here i come.
..{7:03pm}.. why am i so
sad??
..{4:27pm}.. today i was getting ready to leave and go to CVCC with rick (for books & such), and i happened to look at my schedule and realize,
shit, i was supposed to work yesterday and have today off, instead of being off yesterday and working today. so fuck. well, after crying for effing ever on rick about it and freaking out, rick convinces me that everything will be ok. so then we went to Mama Fu's, i talked to one of the managers (Don), explained what happened, and he said everything was ok. then we went to El Tapatio, then CVCC, WalMart, then home. funstuff. now i'm going to get offa here. hibye
..{11:21am}.. i bet i'm not the only girl sick of getting about 40 spam emails a day encouraging penis enlargement. *shudder* why can't they stop thinking about my penis? it's fine the way it is, damnit!
i spent time with frances today. steven came over too a little while after i got there. she beat around the bush with me and acted like nothing was going on between her and cody. eventually she tells me the truth, and i want to cry so bad but gotta act like a tough girl. fuckfuckfuck. i guess i was nice about it, hurt i had to dig it out of her. god it was akward. then i had to leave and steven left too. i miss her SO bad. fuck. too bad i've given up cutting.
so i found out that frances is dating a guy i `hated` *shudder* in school. a complete moron. i don't know why she would do that, because she can do SO much better. he's very immature and lame. i don't say that in a conceited "i'm better" way, i mean, if you met him, unless you were his kind, then you'd think the same. so i don't know what she thinks she's doing. unless she's just desperate. i wish she'd date steven if she wants a boyfriend that fucking bad. it makes me sick. steven would be so much better for her. or jeremy. or me. goddamnit. i just don't get it. *shakes head*
well anyway. i spent pretty much all of today with my mom, grandma, and aunt running around the countryside. then i had about an hour freetime in which i met rick and we did an errand, then he took me to work and i got home at about 10:45. we watched family guy, then futurama, and now here i am ranting in my diary about what a huge mistake i
believe know my best friend is making. but then again, i never get to see her so i don't even know if she considers me that anymore. i mean, at least if she did she would have told me herself instead of me finding out otherwise. i know, it sounds like none of my business but i'm really worried she's going to just get used as a fuck and the ditched. and there's nothing i can do about it but wait for it to happen. fuck. i wish spencer was online so i could talk to him about it. i can't talk to rick b/c he hates her and wouldn't care. i hate it. *cry*
my mouth's been hurting now kinda bad since about 5 today. sucky. i tried to get ahold of frances to hang out with her, but she was out riding her bike. *sigh* i miss her. now that she's in school and i have a job, we never get to see each other *pout*. by the time she gets home (4-ish), i gotta get ready for work (to be there at 5- or 6-ish). it sucks. it really does.
well anyhow, i fell like i've been really pouty today. i sorta feel like i deserve it, with the mouth pain and all...but then i think about how SO many people have it a LOT worse, ya know? and then i feel so selfish. yay now i'm talking to spencer (rick's brother) on AIM. nifty. he's such a sweetheart. i hope he finds a wonderful person to fall in love with, that will love him back. rick's not that nice to him, and that always makes me sad. because he really does not know his on brother. i wish he'd try and get to know him and be friends with him, because spencer really is fun. oh well, i'm gonna end this now and go find something else to work on. see ya
..{2pm}.. so i went to the dentist today to get my fillings. it wasn't so bad. i've never had a cavity before, so this was a first for me. my mouth is still numb and i had trouble eating my lunch. rick made fun of me the whole time, b/c i couldn'tdrink from my straw without spilling it on me (it'd leak out of my mouth b/c my lips wouldn't close right). funstuff. rick's gotta go to work today, but i'm off. i got my check cashed, but more than half will be going to steph's calculator, so there goes that, plus i paid for lunch today (me, my mom's, and rick's) so there went 20-couple bucks. well i'm offa here.
it's been a while again. i went down to SC with rick again today; this time things didn't go very well. lemme start by saying rick was just rubbing my back b/c it was hurting pretty bad (back problems). ok. so his cousin curtis is in the "den" or whatever with us and a few girl cousins. curtis cusses about something, and i joke about not cussing in front of ladies. well, curtis takes it offensive and starts telling me about earning respect of the family (btw, curtis isn't an elderly relative, he's only a few years older than me and rick) and me not being a lady, and walks off telling rick he "can do a lot better." i don't know what made him so mad, but it aggrivated me further because he went into the living room and ranted to the adults about us making him loose his appetite and such, and telling rick's mom that he needs to talk to us about PDA. not to mention this guy has a past of being a man-whore and pothead. whatever.
other than that, things have been pretty good. my job, though not providing me with as many hours as i want, is still fun. rick and i are doing pretty good. both saving money for school. i'm thinking of getting my sister the new
TI-84 with the pink face plate. i figure it'll be real cool for her since she's in the 8th grade and most everyone else will have "just a TI-83." we've never been friends, so i hope maybe this "bribe" will even things up a little, make things less enemyish. they're `really` expensive, though, so i dunno for sure yet *shrug*. well anywho, i'm offa here. if any of my friends read this, i miss you and i wish i could be at ACHS with you right now...a little bit. hehe *does the "i've graduated already--thank god" dance*
