Tuesday 21/11
I crave sleep. Crave the ability to find it and rest within it. Crave the blackness the surcease from hurting and thinking and feeling...seek relief from the emptiness I feel and the paint hat wells within me and over me. I lie down. I toss. I turn. I wait through moments laced with, girt by darkness and suddenly achingly it is time to stictch on my public face; my mask. No sign of you. Hunger.
I have not seen or heard from Pandy since Saturday evening; Tess and Mike come and go. Mike is talking about getting himself a part time Bar Job until Uni recommences soemtime in March.
Tess is brash and loud, at times vulgar, controlling, suffocating and very very young....compensating for her lack of self esteem by trying to boss, control and bully everyone around her trying to appear to herself and otehrs that she is holding everyone u and togetehr when in truth she is leaning heavily... so heavily as to bruise the soul. Her tactics are the sneer... and harsh judgement. She rings me at work today...
"Are you coming home?"
TRANSLATION: "Noone here has any cash left after partying and because you don't eat there is no food in the house we haven't already eaten - will you come ome and bring money. No we don;t want that shit you cook...we want REAL food aka MacDonalds... $30 would do for the two of us!!"
No I didn't go home. I went straight to Mum's and spent the evening there with Mum and Amy, mum and I giggling at Amy. I walked home..out into the darkness and two hours later invisible Duty. Home is empty and dark. There is no you. Light is extinguished.
