Wednesday 22/11
10.30 am.. geting ready for work; one minute I was there and siting and the next...I was on the floor. *s* ahh well. A few bruises... a heat that rose through me and then nothingness. Cold sweat breaking over me I opened my eyes. Noone notices. Noone sees. And it doesn't matter.
I go through the motions becoming increasingly invisible. My flesh appearing and doing what everyone expects but noone realsies that the greater part of me is absent. Tess yelled at me for ruining her life and told me how long she has waited to tell me that. She feels her life is out of control and she doesn't know how to fix it. She vents at me, over me and she doesn't "hear" what I say. I become yet more invisible.
I retreat within to a place where I look into your eyes.... where I can fel you kiss me. I rub my thumb over my lips feeling yours there and a scream begins inside - the soundless scream that begins to expand and fill me hammering silently and potently takes me over inside. I let the emptiness claim me.
The love I feel for you is not extinguished, it swells. Absence does not diminish this, rather it becomes the only focus I can be.
And I feel your hand on me pushing my hip down... and pleasure arching through me and I am overwhelmed with a shaking... a trembling that I cannot still... everything blurs.... this is the beginning of the night of my walk...
Old habits....I miss your touch in my life... it burns, the lack of you. ...racing home to find you. Lost, gutted and I am more aware of you now ... I am lost stumbling through events not caring, as I let life roll over me.
Resisting the impulse to pick up the phone, resistig the desire to Q you or email... your voice... When life disturbs me for so very long you are where I have taken everything, the only place I have found to trust and rest myself no matter what. You are beyond my reach and there is a panic inside me for I am severely unbalanced. Before you I was not aware of the flaws in my seeing of things, of my blind spots. You are the only person who has completed me and now I feel disjointed and incomplete.
I acutely hunger for you.
Sleep. I have to put large tracts of myself to sleep. Sleep is the cousin of death you know. I am systematically closing down all feeling; all possible ways anyone at all can reach through and into me...touch me.
Yet for a brief while I lived. I know what it is. And that makes me inestimably sad.
I fadeFading, inch_by_inch ever less visible. I go about the tasks which must be done outwardly docile and pliable.. the light that has shone ebbing, all sudden furies buried....disappearing effectively into long silences I can find no way to break out of. Communication, once my delight, now ...well now I cannot even find what it takes to reach beyond the wall growing here...the wall I hide behind. I hear a voice behind me
"What's wrong with leah...she is sooooo quiet!"
"Oh..she is just busy"
How little anyone knows. I do not look at people, eyes cast downwards..or look beyond into the shades and shadows on the edges of life letting vision blur... wishing I was not here...losing...lost.....
How do I get through each day or night without you? Without you in my life? What kind of life would that be?? No sun in my sky, no love in my life, and you have taken everything good in my life with you....so there is no life left for me.... I am lost without you.
You have taken everything real, how do I get up each morning? How do I survive what life flings at me? How do I find my way through? How do I breathe? How do I sleep? How do I do anything??
I need you with me....
