Almost your work time..I am mroe aware of you than I have ever been...and of you reaching over me, into me in a morning. There is a laugh that escapes me.. I lift my hand to my mouth to stiffle the sudden sound which makes me startle.!! For old people we sure pack a lot of loving into a short space of time. Oh and I am glad you see us as justf riends Ian. JUST friends don't express love in quite the way we do...
It is a very full flight. It is very cramped.. soemtimes I feel like my knees are up around my collar bones...and I get up to walk and my knees feel stiff.. does that make me old??
You are right Ian.. I am loved. Sarah came to the airport with a fist full of cell phone numbers of people who really wnated to meet me.. or talk to me when I got there. I am eternally grateful Sarah came... saved me from becoming the ghost I am.. You know the state you left me in.. you know the agony of soul I carry with me...
These people do not know me Ian. YOU know me. Knowing you, loving you, and being loved by you has done more to hold me safe than anything or anyone I have ever known. How can you expect me to wave a magic wand and transform that into something else; soemthing "safe". I will never be safe for you. never.
I am afraid of what I will become without you as the central anchor of myself. I have become accustomed to being hold and resting myself within you... without you I cease to be whole.
have tried to begin reading "A Scots Quair". Lets see if I can read and udnerstand!! Every word underscores what I feel is now my loss, embeds this pain deeper - so deep my eyes ache!
We are descending into Bangkok ( 29 degrees / 84 F quite a change from anywhere between 5 and 9 C. Somehwere int he night's journey I swapped my suit and jumper for a singlet top and black light pants... I think we were oevr Russia at the time, and it was something else like -68C according to the flight information.
Bangkok airport is heavily air conditioned. Not sure now I will disembark...we are only there for 20 minutes and it atkes so long to get abck through their transit system
How do I get through my days now??? How??
