Committment means making choices and being committed to continaully making the same choice over and over daily. I am aware you have made a choice. The way you made it, the fact it is this choice hurts me terribly. HURTS. I do not deserve this hurt.
Why for once can't I have what I want? It just isn't fair in any way.
I cannot sit back while you go through the motions of your stable relationship in your apparently steady stable life. I suppose what has eld me still here is the sure knowledge you as yet hadn't done that. You have told me that is what you are going to do, whta you intend. Now I have to pull back, and this hurts me.
You are being a coward here ...the closest thing to true honesty in in writing this.. and this I have to say. You are sheltering and treasuring you "name" and the opinions of men. I am seriously beginning to wonder if in truth the only person you love is yourself and that all the rest of us are only "good" for you in servicing your needs or your ego or your reputation. There is a price we pay ourselves for anything of value. Here I have paid.. at times J has paid... and you baulk at the thought of paying...yet how can you value anything when it is all just touched by you and never paid for?
It does hurt me that you valued the beauty of what I have given you so little. Why can I not JUST be your friend? Becasue I opened myself layer by layer in gifting my true self to you. Rather than meet my gift you are pulling back and all the time justifying it. The truth is you choose not to. YOUR choice.
In the quiet at work, when you miss the deft touch of my humour and mind and love, will you miss the fey spirit that dared to love you and offer you this chance at really living and loving? Will you miss me at all, or will you justify your betrayal of me and my love in your mind and gut, and just go on as normal with noting touching you really ...all nice and safe.
Are you at work yet?? I wonder. I cannot get you out of my mind. My throat is dry and parched...my heart trully hurting... my hopes shattered..
there is no choice for me. There is no place for me to go.
