This time eysterday we lay stricken each each otehrs arms; breaking/broken. I am broken still. I will never be able to find the pieces my soul and life now splinters into and make some whole. I have sat here throughout this long agonising journey ( I do so wodner what people think of the endless stream of tears I have become...silent, relelntless rivers of the essence of my soul and hopes and dreams pouring down and away... life and hope disappearing.. making me a mere living shell... half life.. no depth...
I love you... I am in love with you. I hae nothing to show for it. nd I have put my whole being on the line here. Even though I have walked away as you required it does not mean for one moment that we are not meant to be togetehr. I believe you and I were born for each other. I have believed it. I have lived it. I believe it still. I will believe it until I breathe my last breath. I will never cease hoping that by some miracle you will begin to believe this too and act on it. Somewhere, somehow, sometime.
There is the sound of your vocie which has been my unfailing strength all this time. The deep darkness with the wry twist of humour that wraps itself around me at odd times day in and day out. I have taken so little. Yet I have taken so much. The scales became terribly out of balance. I gave my all - and you can't. Won't. yet I knwo the love is real and there and I know the price you have paid and are paying even now for loving. me. I have seen it in your eyes, felt it in your voice and your touch. I know without any need to be told of the wanting that there is here and I also know you need me as much as I need you. And I need you to be whole and happy, and I am willing to sacrifice myself to that end. That is what I am doing here.
I have never needed anyone before. having even what we did showed me the beginnings of what we shoudl and could be, and showed me what is there for anyone if they only dare, and follow their hearts.
Sitting beside you on that train , as you showed me the world you grew from, taking me minute by minute through your roots... seeing it with you... hearing you land in the seat besdie me breathless.. seeing again your beloved face.. your mouth.. every moment a treasure.. taken into me and living as part of me forever....walking around your city as Iw ait out the hour before seeing you... watching otehr faces and lives... insulated...isolated in my longing and wishing time to speed forwards... listening to the voices all around me..different textures and timbres....feeling the cold...seeing what is in the shops...
These few days have effectively changed my life again....The gift of this time with you as my intimate guide means more to me than I can express. This time is my treasure. All I have now is the surety that each year at this time I will open a bottle of red wine, pull out my diary and relive this time; I will conjure you up so you will be with me... the feel of your forearm unfder my hand as we walked around this city, your hand tucked in your pocket, opr wrapped around one of mine.. emasured certain steps... the awareness of you beside me...the sense of you... the sound of your voice..
Cobble stones, .... a castle and uneven ground,...camera obscura..leaning against you in the darkness... wandering around a cathedral...feeling history in the air.... history, art beauty...you. Endless cups of tea and coffee...the inability to eat, and I still cannot manage it..
Te Tattoo takes on new meaning, and the New year's Broadcasts now become soemthing else as I shall sit solitary and toast with you wherever you are. You can choose to do what you must to go on as you wish, but you cannot make that choice for me. And I choose to stay here forever locked ina dream more wonderful than anything reality can offer me. We could live that dream and I am certain of it.
Sarah said that now she has met you and has met me she can see us together. I suppose we are a good "fit" in that way. I will not lie to myself or you. I wish to live out my life with you and I have always said that. Joys, sorrows.. I bring it all to you.. but I want the comfort of your presence.. I want to feel you reach for me in the early hours of the morning.. I want to know your hands just THERE... you covering me in love...you playing my body in ways wonderful....I want to lie beside you my legs curling down following the line of your leg resting my foot into the hook formed by yours... I want to snuggle against your back and bury my face against your shoulder....inhaling, breathing you in, leaning against your shoudlers and falling into a fitful dose.... against you....
I want to grow old with you, to treasure every grey hair on your chest... to fall into the trap of your humour and get caught time and again...to watch you eat...to watch you sleep... to wacth your lips and tenderly run my fingers over their beauty. To listen when passion touches your mind and heart and the words spill binding me with spells beyond imagining... I did not know I could loe you more and yet I do...
To take you in... you aremy living treasure, always and forever.
I have always rationalised that I would take what little we could and treasure it,and I have. But in truth I want and need so much more. I want you ..in honesty and simplicity. It will always be you.
