yes my love, I still think in your time. I am lost back there somewhere behind stone walls, where the cold is like a greeting that caresses your face on awakening. And I am crying, one tear following another, racing down my face. Yet again I head away, and this time I am heart broken because in truth all I want in the entire world is to be with you.. I am hurting in a way I do not know how to bear.
Mike heard soemthing in my vocie and asked if I was okay. I think I must have sounded stange. I never answered him. I do not know how I will ever be okay again. Without you. Never. For two years you have been the hope and the dream I lived towards...that kept me warm when life froze me solid.. that kept spark and spunk in me fighting towards the light. You are that light. Now you have turned the light off. By choice. And opened an emptiness in me that has swallowed me whole.
I trully wish iw as more selfish. I wish I could twis\t life and circumstances and take what I need and to hell with the consequences. I can't. You know I can't. Know this though - whatever you build now is built on my sacrifice.. and on my sorrow. Ot is built literally on me and the ruins of whatever happiness I have ever longed for and needed desperately. I am not made with a balance or a ballast. I am a fragile fey creature...and you have eben the bedrock I adhered to and rooted deep within. Without you.. without the sure hope of you, I shall wither...
I knwo you will be all right. I have seen what happens when you do not have to see me or touch me. You fade me. You rationalise and forget the magic and the madness or the impront of joy ..that sheer irrepressible joy of being with someone that has the ability to changethe texture of light simply because they are there. You will live nicely within the life you choose; that which you love mroe than me. Your choice, not mine.
And I want you. I want our moemnts hungrily, now and always. So I am caught and lost.
I arrived in London rnag Sarah's mobile number and we found each other. She was waiting for me in a Bar not far from where I stepped onto the plane for the second and longest journey away from you.. and for a short while I let her life obscure my pain. All too soon the hours passed and I was on my way.. breaking, broken...
