jokes

     A MAN WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIS SECRETARY. ONE DAY, WHEN THEY CUDNT RESIST EACH OTHER ANYMORE, THEY DROVE OFF TO HER HOUSE. THEY MADE LOVE AND WERE SO TIRED AFTERWARDS THAT THEY FELL ASLEEP UNTIL ABOUT 8 'O CLOCK. WHEN THE MAN WOKE UP, HE TOLD THE SECRETARY TO WIPE HIS SHOES ON THE LAWN OUTSIDE.
      WHEN HE GOT HOME, HIS WIFE ASKED, "WHERE HAVE U BEEN TONIGHT??"
      THE MAN SAID, "DARLING, IM NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU, IVE BEEN HAVING SEX WITH MY SECRETARY UNTIL 8 'O CLOCK."
      HIS WIFE LOOKED AT HIS SHOES AND SAID, "NO YOU HAVNT U LYING BASTARD, UVE BEEN PLAYING GOLF!!!"

A MAN WALKS IN TO A PUB/BAR, AND WALKS UP TO A WOMAN AND ASKS, "CAN I SMELL UR PUSSY?" THE WOMAN SAYS NO AND GIVES HIM A SLAP FOR GOOD MEASURE.
" OH RIGHT, MUST BE UR FEET THEN."

     A GROUP OF 15 YEAR-OLDS HAVE JUST ARRIVED AT HELL'S KITCHEN COMPREHENSIVE AND THE HEADMASTER IS EXPLAINING THE RULES OF THE SCHOOL.
      "THE BOYS AND GIRLS ARE TO STAY IN THEIR OWN TOILETS, IF ANY BOY IS CAUGHT GOING INTO THE GIRLS LOO, THEY WILL BE FINED, THE FIRST TIME WILL BE $30, THE SECOND TIME WILL BE $60, AND THE THIRD TIME WILL BE $120.
      JUST THEN A BOY PUTS HIS HAND UP AND ASKS,"HOW MUCH FOR A SEASON PASS?"

A MAN WALKS INTO A PUB, THE BARMAN SAYS HE CAN HAVE A FREE DRINK IF HE GUESSES THE NAME OF THE PUB,
MAN: THE QUEEN'S HEAD
BARMAN: NOPE.
MAN: THE QUEENS'S NECK?
BARMAN: CLOSE!!
MAN: THE QUEEN'S LEGS!
BARMAN: SPOT ON!!! FREE DRINK 2MORROW MORNING MATE!
THE NEXT MORNING THE MAN COMES TO THE PUB BUT IT HASNT OPENED YET, SO HE WAITS. SUDDENLY PRINCE CHARLES TURNS UP,
CHARLES: WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO EARLY MATE?
MAN: OH HI PRINCE CHARLES, IM WAITING FOR THE QUEEN'S LEGS TO OPEN SO I CAN HAVE A DRINK.