posted May 07, 2000 07:46 PM               

Without further ado:

THE SECRET ORIGIN AND POWERS OF LARDLAD

SECRET ORIGIN:
Young Anthony Taylor was working a part-time job at "Grocery Store Tesseract 69" when an accident befell him. The thin-as-bones bagger was pushing a dust mop on aisle 30,002 when lightening struck a lard display he was passing. The electrified lard splashed all over him! When he came to, Anthony was no longer a 90-pound weakling but a 300-pound, big-boned fat boy! Anthony had always wanted to put on a little weight, but this was too much. Distraught, he ran from the aisle crying. Two aisles down, he was exhausted. Boy, was he out of shape! Suddenly, he felt a hunger within reaching out to the food items on the shelf. The hunger absorbed all the fat from the items and restored his energy.

That night, not knowing what he should do, Anthony went home and raided the refrigerator. Answering a knock at the door, Anthony saw a man even more portly than himself! the man introduced himself as Dom Deluise XXVII, guru of Lard. He said he sensed a disturbance in the Lardforce and realized another had been chosen. The guru explained that the Lardforce is an energy field that controls all lard and offered to train the young man to use his powers. Anthony accepted and began training as a Lard Knight. Upon completion of his training Anthony was christened "Lardlad" by his master.

Later, Anthony and another pair, Michael Lash and Candace Ames, foiled an assassination attempt on R. Engine Joe Brande and decided to found the Legion of Message Board Posters as Lardlad, Lash Lad, and Shadowplay in Candlelight Lass. The LMB grew to become a powerful force for good and added many more members over time.

POWERS:
Lardlad wields the energy field known as the Lardforce. The most frequently used application of which is the ability to teleport through lardotropic inversion. All of Lardlad's powers feed off the lard in his body. When he teleports great distances, Lardlad must immediately replenish his lard or risk death. He does this by psychically absorbing the lard out of foods or persons nearby. He can do this or "lend" some of his own lard to others for various reasons. Psychically adding to his mass can also give him a degree of invulnerability. He's also been known to puff himself up to mimc Bouncing Boy powers.

Lardlad, according to his master, may very well be the most powerful Lard Knight in history. As he matures, new applications will emerge and existing ones strengthen.

------------------
--Leader of the Legion of Message Board Posters

posted May 07, 2000 08:34 PM               

While there, he met a young man named Tsarin, whose witty intellect he came to enjoy, and the two became friends. They became lab partners, as Des knew Tsarin was by far the smartest of all the students. During one such experiment, Tsarin seemingly unlocked a great anonamly is the Space/Time continium that inadvertantly sucked Des away, where he seemed lost to the world. His friends and family mourned his supposed death.

However, that night Desmond Bohan died, and Cobalt Kid arose to take his place. While in the rift, young Des found that there was another being inside of it as well, one so dark and evil, that Des had to flee for his life. Using his knowledge of quantum mechanics, he was able to trigger a way to teleport out of the rift to escape the nameless villain. Using the electro-magnetic field with super-pole conducters, Des was able to escape, and reappeared in the correct universe. However, he soon learned that he had inadvertingly gained the power of magnetism, a power which was dependent on his willpower. With his knowledge of magnetic fields and physics, young Des knew he was very powerful indeed. He took the name Cobalt Kid, and followed his inspiration, Engine Joe Boy to become a message board poster!

As Cobalt scoured the galaxy, he constantly remembered the nameless one who continued to haunt his dreams. This stress of course caused him to begin drinking heavily, whoring often and also losing his ability to spell while online.

Soon, word of the Legion of Message Board posters reached young Cobalt, as he heard of the incredible trio of young heroes who were forming a team. Thus, Cobalt Kid ventured to meet them, where he met his old ally Tsarin as well! It was then that Cobalt Kid and Tsarin Kid became the first new members of the LMB, and helped lay down the foundation for things to come.

Since then, Cobalt has held various positions, as Leader of the Espionage Squad, to Road Trip correspondent, to finally his greatest achievement, Deputy Leader. He often begins road trips to spread the word of peace that the LMB stands for, and at the same time, continues searching for the nameless one, "He who Moderates".

And Cobalt's drinking and whoring have only increased.

Powers: able to manipulate the magnetic field to his advantage, a power based solely on his willpower. With it, he attract and repel objects usings magnetic forces, he can fly, he can create a magnetic shield around him, and he can use his magnetic power to increase his stregth incredibly, by focusing on the forces he is hitting. His power works on most anything, but especially well around water and metal objects, the best conducters for it.

Current affiliations: After a rough split up with Space Tart, Cobalt is currently going out with his old flame Debauchery Damsel. However, rumors have been flying about his supposed one-night stand with Princess No-Protection, and there is evidence that Cobalt has a thing for the cousin of Dean Lee, Sure Lee.

posted May 08, 2000 07:07 AM               

The exact origin of Lucien Lad is lost in the mists of time but there are some hard facts that can be found from the mass of rumours that circulate him. Origionally showing up some time in the twentieth century, and at the time known as 'The Queen Of Diamonds', Lucien Lad displayed various mysterious powers that helped him warp time and space and also meant that no matter where he was he remained unutterably glamarous. He first rose to prominance as a member of the notorius LLB but after many trials and tribulations something drastic changed. after dissappearing from public for a considerable amount of time the Queen was reported to have died, or returned to the mysterious place from whence he came, but in his place there appeared another figure, going simply by the name of Lucien Lad, who displayed similar powers and just as much glamour.

At this point his histrot becomes more certain. Lucien lad kept a lower porfile than the Queen did and moved to WomderWomanWorld where he spent much of his time discussing Diana, glitter and men with a group of polly admirers. one day however the LMB crash landed on WonderWomanWorld and came face to face with Lucien Lad who was taken by Lash Lad's promise of whips and so joined the LMB on their tireless fight for justice and some kind of story that might actually make sense.

Powers: Lucien lad's powers are a little vague. They seem to be linked to his nostalgia but also have something to do with his glamour. It has been postulated that in fact he is somehow linked to the universal 'Glam-force' and can utilise this mysterious form of energy to bend reality. Also his time spent on paradise Island, floating outside time and space, have given him a strange relationship with the time/space continuum which he can distort, although he isn't always capable of controlling these actions.

posted May 08, 2000 08:12 AM               

It was eventually proven through countless batteries of tests why. His extradordinary eyesight and whipsmart reflexes were the result of alien embryo-experimetation. Michael's adoptive parents were shocked, but they proceeded to encourage their son to be the best he could be.

One day on a jaunt to the Dart Olympics on Xynthia, Michael met Anthony, who was training to be a Lard Knight, and Candace, who had uncanny empathic powers of a "feel-good" nature which made her lovely to be around. The 3 were involved in foiling an assassination attempt on R. Engine Joe Brande's life, and he inspired them to form the Legion of Message Board Posters.

Quickly joined by other frequent posters Cobalt Kid, Tsarin Kid, Lev Lad and Bellbookcandle Kid, the LMB has grown to become a force to be reckoned with.

posted May 08, 2000 12:28 PM               

One night, lying alone in his spacious 4X8 sleeping chamber, prayed to the stars above for someone to take him away from his life of filthy servitude. Suddenly, his bedroom filled with a bright light, and then a rather plump little woman appeared. Grunting in pain (since she appeared on top of him), Mykel asked, "Who are you?"

She smiled at him. "Honey, let's step outside. This bedroom fits me like a girdle." Pushing with all his might, Mykel managed to squeeze her out through the little doorway into the outer corridor. He followed her timidly.

Once outside, in the better light, Mykel realized that it wasn't a woman at all, but a man dressed in woman's clothes. It wasn't a pretty sight. "Girlfriend, I am the Good Fairy. I've come to help you fulfill your destiny."

"You're taking me away from all of this?"

"Actually, no," the Good Fairy replied. Mykel's face fell. "Hey, now, chin up, little buckaroo. You will leave here one day, but you have things to do first. There's a power inside you, screaming to get out. That will be the key to your salvation." With that, the Fairy flicked his wrists and snapped his fingers.

Suddenly, Mykel could feel something stir within him, an energy that started deep in his heart and grew until his entire body tingled with it. "What do I do?" he cried.

"Honey, let it all hang out!"

With that, Mykel let the power loose, and the energy burst forth, bathing the walls around him in its light. Amazingly, wherever the energy touched, the grime on the walls suddenly disappeared, leaving the surface clean and sparkling. He turned to the Good Fairy. "What was that?"

"Child, you have the Sani-Fresh Touch! It is your birthright!"

Mykel frowned. "That's it? My special power is the ability to clean? What a crock! Don't you have anything else? Telepathy? Super-strength?"

The Good Fairy smiled. "Don't feel cheated, honeybunch! The Universe is filled with Wonders! All things serve a purpose. Now take your powers, and set your people free!" And with that, the Good Fairy disappeared.

"Well," Mykel sighed, "At least he didn't sing."

Taking a deep breath, Mykel walked forward, sending out waves of freshness wherever he went. What was once filthy and disease-ridden was now happy, healthy and shiny. Within months, the entire Facility was functioning better than ever, and the workers were happy. Seeing that his job was truly done, he went to see Igo T. Trash. Much to Mykel's amazement, Igo was so thrilled by what the boy had done, he gave him some money and put him on the next freighter out of port. His Sani-Fresh Touch truly had set him free!

It wasn't long before word of the Fresh Princess got back to the Legion Outpost, and Mykel was offered membership in the Legion of Message Board Posters. He became Newcru King, and has done his best to use his powers to make things beautiful and smelling great. His powers aren't always helpful in a fight, but the LMBPers couldn't be more content in their clean home.

posted May 08, 2000 01:35 PM               

Every one of these stories has been highly entertaining! We need to form our own comics imprint!

posted May 08, 2000 02:11 PM            

He was taking his personal spacecraft out for a spin when he ran into a comet and was immersed in its strange gases. Joel had had little time to reflect on his new found powers before being swallowed by a space dragon. After being somewhat messily spewed from the nether regions of said space dragon, Joel's crippled vehicle landed on a strange planet. On this planet were several lightning beasts. Joel got the brilliant idea that he could get the lightning beasts to jump start his speeder. Unfortunately, the beasts instead turned on him and hopped him up full of juice.

Upon returning home, his dad shot him full of zuunium and died. Then the damn android told Joel HE was the android, which caused much pain. After wandering around for a period of time, Joel met the second of three other bodies he had at one point or another. This was fortunate because at this point Joel had died. He took over the new body and went on. Whoops, he died again and believed he was Superboy, but he was really sexing up a pirate captain. Then he got lead poisoning and was sent to the phantom zone, where he was manipulated by Glorith but rather enjoyed it.

The status quo changed again. Joel discovered he was actually from a pocket universe created by the Time Trapper, who was like Glorith but WAY more flat-chested. Then Joel found out that he had never really had adventures when he was a boy.

After all these exhausting adventures, Joel decided it was time to settle down. So he changed the universe and started all over again. Now he is known as Armsfalloff Boy and has the primary power of creating offspring with alarming frequency, adversely affecting his internet posting.

------------------
"I've defeated you, Legionnaires! You know the penalty! Rip off your emblems!"

posted May 08, 2000 08:24 PM               

Those attempting to sling crap the Kid's way soon found out his emerging powers. A natural judge of character and startingly funny, the Kid's slings and arrows would go straight through the most rhinoceros-like hide, wounding the transgressors to the quick.
"I like this" thought the Kid, "I think i'll dress up funny and fight boredom!" So here he is.

posted May 08, 2000 08:51 PM               

quote:

---

Originally posted by TheMightyFanBoyMan:
And now for the oroigin of
TheMightyFanBoyMan Lad!(v. 2.0)
Alex Fletcher was born an ordinary, skiny-ass blonde kid.
One day, while working at BeacheadPlanet Comicplex, an accident occured.
Some weird-ass bastich asking a bout movies, began harrassing him and his boss. Later, the fruity bastch returned, and picked a fight with the boy. In the ensuing battle, an accident occured with the SuperMega Fire extinguisher....thus embuing him with all in the store. He adopted his name, and learned that his boss was the foemer fanboy guy XCCVII, and he gave him...the belt with ever-so-many pockets!! also...for some odd reason at various points in time, our blonde companion is always being tied up in duct tape?!? How or why or even who did it, remains to be seen(or does it?-MLOL).
He had heard rumors of the LMB on the Impulse planet, and tracked them down to the starman boards, where he was inducted by Lash Lad
POWERS: Has complete and all knowledge of any comic book that was in Beacheadplanet Comicplex(and thats a damn big amount o funny books),The belt with ever-so-many pockets also contains things such as: new coke, the universal remote (stop, pause,rewind and fastforweard really work(an i mean really..ever see that 1800 collect comercial?)), the universal garage door opener, He can also pull any comic book out of his pockets.
There are rumors of other powers he has gained form the so called "Nerd-Force" (don't ask....I didn;t make it up, my predecesor did) That may have imbued his crappy plastic gl ring with an active charge, as well as random, rotating super powers.The rotatong super powers occur every moday, and last untill he forgets about them(yes, that means he might have multuple powers at once...considering the fcat that he's blonde)

---

posted May 08, 2000 09:14 PM               

Zal Renar patiently waited his turn to try out for the still-new, but already legendary Legion of SuperHeroes. He was trying to will away the butterflies in his stomach, when he was he was hit by a giant glob of gunk. As the world melted away, he heard the words "Oops- there goes another one." Who was the girl who had been demonstrating her powers before him? Continuum Queen-mistress of time and space, he recalled. "I hope she gets in," he thought generously as his mind slipped away...

Zal saw bits of his life flash before his mental eye, as he vaguely felt the sensations of transport. He saw his homeworld, Trom, destroyed. He saw Trom's sole survivor transmuting the remains of his dead into tsarin crystal. He felt again the mute horror of being locked in a death-like coma as Jan Arrah waved his glowing hand over Zal's still body. He remembers the effort of changing the block of tsarin into a human, but still crystal form. And he remembers the confusion of finding his transformative power itself transformed into the ability to change any substance to crystal. He sees the moment when he learned to 'soften' his form into a flesh-like state- and to harden it past the natural strength of tsarin crystal. He flashes to the day he learned that he had similar control of anything he transmuted.

Zal awoke to see a circle of concerned faces peering down at him. He later placed the names Lardlad, Lash Lad and Shadowplay in Candlelight Lass with those faces, whose concern proved to be genuine when they helped I.D.less Zal get into the school where he met his favorite lab partner, Cobalt Kid. Concentrating on learning every science he could, Zal hoped to find a way to return home. But as he learned to love his new world, he settled on creating a viewer that allowed him to watch the adventures of the Legionnaires he once hoped to join. Taking the name Tsarin Kid, Zal joined the LMB, and occasionally allows some of them to watch those adventures. A few of them know of his real connection to that continuity, but most think it a hard-to-tune-in soap opera. They find Zal's addiction to that soap humorous.

Zal, feeling caught between two worlds and unable to fully commit to either, has remained resolutely single- though he does feel an attraction to a hero who looks remarkably like his home-reality's Invisible Kid.

posted May 09, 2000 12:35 AM               

So anyway, young Oscar, as he was known then, went out into the cruel world as a teenager, and began to attempt to earn his way in the world. He secured a job at the local stake mill, endlessly making stakes to be used for a variety of puposes, not the least of was the killing of vampires. While working at the mill, alongside the simple village folk, Oscar was witness to one of the universes more bizzare rituals, the annual turtle freeze/burn.

The simple villagers, one day out of each year, and the specific day is a closely guarded village secret, forge into the surrounding woodlands, and capture the vicious killer attack terrapins, that frequent the area. The capture terrapin is then brought to the village and placed inaside a huge freezer, and well....frozen.

The unfortunate creature, rendered mighty docile by the freezing, is then removed from the cold, doused with the villagers native fuel source, and set afire. This results in the terrapin getting really really hot.

Oscar watched this process in horror and then found the spirit of the turtle crawling into his body. This being a particularly unpleasant feeling, young Oscar ran screaming through the village, whereupon, the villagers realized he had witnessed their sacred ceremony.

The villagers chose that exact moment to attack oscar. In fear of his life, and his pants...you see the villagers had often admired his pants.....Oscar, for the first time anywhere, unleashed the power of the turtle, and slowed to a crawl, allowing the angry natives to catch him. Oscar, never the brightest bulb in the lamp, had his one moment of brilliance and turned his hands to point at the villager, unleashing the power of the turtle, on sopmeone other than himself, and escaped.

Travelling to the coast, Oscar collected the discarded shell of turtles murdered in the past, and used the shells to construct a boat and leave his island paradise home. Once on the mainland, he used the turtle shells to construct his uniform, and swore to fight the forces of evil pants snatchers everywhere.

POWERS: The ability to slow the movemants and thought processes of himself, and occasionally others, thereby turning them into large couch potatoes.

posted May 09, 2000 04:33 AM               

Hours later he woke up. Then he woke up again...and again. His three bodies looked at each other. One held a bell, the second held a book and the third held a candle. "Don't panic," said his father. "You've inherited your mother's ability to split into three. Unfortunately you've inherited something from me as well. Each of your bodies has a facet of your identity. Unfortunately they appear to be Happy, Grumpy and Dopey. I'm sorry, son."

"That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard. You moron." "Hey, it's fantastic. This will be fun." "What?" chorused his three bodies. Over time Bri learned to control his abilities and became a superhero, naming himself Bellbookcandle Kid after the three objects that helped him control his change. It could have been worse...he could have been Pillowtoothbrushpopcorn Kid.

posted May 09, 2000 04:41 AM               

Mighty FanBoy Man Lad,

I thought the infalateable thing was kinda fun. Please re-retcon it back into your origin. Mucho thank-yous, Lash Lad.

************end interlude*******

------------------

YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME NOW

AND YOU"RE NOT SO BIG!

posted May 09, 2000 07:40 AM            

Chaos was wracking it's way all over the planet of J-5, a planet stuck eternally in the 70's disco era. The planet's orbit had changed and due to this natural disaster J-5 was slowly entering the EIGHTIES! People were getting rid of their medallions and sticking safety pins in their ears! They were getting rid of their flares and replacing them with studded leather jackets and everyone was reshaping their hair from afros to mohawks!

To save their son from this natural disaster GnoRp! and GnoRf! sent him to earth in a rocket ship. Upon arrival on Earth, GnoRf! discovered that by mistake he had landed at an airport. Unfortunately, waiting at the airport were six million screaming twelve year old girls who were awaiting the arrival of the plane containing the backstreet boys. GnoRf! left his spaceship only to be swamped by the six million screaming teeny-boppers.

During his six month stay in the hospital, GnoRf! came to the conclusion that earths yellow sun had granted his alien body, the power of SUPER CHARISMA! Deciding to use his powers for good GnoRf! joined the LMB.

posted May 09, 2000 06:10 PM               

quote:

---

Originally posted by TheMightyFanBoyMan:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by TheMightyFanBoyMan:
[b]And now for the oroigin of
TheMightyFanBoyMan Lad!(v. 3.0)
Alex Fletcher was born an ordinary, skiny-ass blonde kid.
One day, while working at BeacheadPlanet Comicplex, an accident occured.
Some weird-ass bastich asking a bout movies, began harrassing him and his boss. Later, the fruity bastch returned, and picked a fight with the boy. In the ensuing battle, an accident occured with the SuperMega Fire extinguisher....thus embuing him with all in the store. He adopted his name, and learned that his boss was the foemer fanboy guy XCCVII, and he gave him...the belt with ever-so-many pockets!! also...for some odd reason at various points in time, our blonde companion is always being tied up in duct tape?!? How or why or even who did it, remains to be seen(or does it?-MLOL).
He had heard rumors of the LMB on the Impulse planet, and tracked them down to the starman boards, where he was inducted by Lash Lad
POWERS: Has complete and all knowledge of any comic book that was in Beacheadplanet Comicplex(and thats a damn big amount o funny books),The belt with ever-so-many pockets also contains things such as: new coke, the universal remote (stop, pause,rewind and fastforweard really work(an i mean really..ever see that 1800 collect comercial?)), the universal garage door opener, He can also pull any comic book out of his pockets.
There are rumors of other powers he has gained form the so called "Nerd-Force" (don't ask....I didn;t make it up, my predecesor did) That may have imbued his crappy plastic gl ring with an active charge, the ability to turn into a giant inflatable doll of himself(gained from coliding with an inflattable spider man doll during the "accident" that transformed him),as well as random, rotating super powers.The rotatong super powers occur every moday, and last untill he forgets about them(yes, that means he might have multuple powers at once...considering the fact that he's blonde)

---

posted May 09, 2000 11:04 PM            

Seizing his earliest opportunity, young James thrust himself into the weightroom and slowly sculpted his pudgy frame into a slightly less pudgy frame but with huge muscles.

One day while doing squats, three figures appeared to him as the trio of Earthly guardians against evil. They were: Hank Williams, the Rock, and...The Ladies Man.

They had selected him to be the new champion of all that was good in the world. Hank bestowed on him a suit of armour that molded football and country music into raw power. the Rock infused him with badassedness. And the Ladies Man gave him the holy power of the player.

Powered by infusions of Jack Daniels, JWB boy continues to fight the good fight.

posted May 10, 2000 12:19 AM               

"An interview with Greybird [... er, Grey Birdboy]" is at: http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/jsreed/DAgreybird.html

(Dean, if you read this again, the wings it describes are a bit different yet. Try whatever suits you for the portrait.)

And for anyone who didn't read how this LMB reservist fake-varied his already fake name: I was enraptured at the tender age of 8 by the adventures of "Birdman and Galaxy Trio," in their ludicrous minimal-animation glory. Said hero plucked a kid from a watery fate in a shipwreck, made him a sidekick with cheesy steel wings, and took him along to stomp on the Bad Guys. Thus "Birdboy," the height of 1967 Saturday mornings.

(Anyone in the LMB who doesn't at all remember Birdman, even in his guesting on "Space Ghost Coast to Coast," has to clean up after Piddlin' Pup for a week!)

posted May 10, 2000 05:04 AM               

He first came to the galaxy's attention as a member of the Secret Society of Comedy Based Super Heroes. He was a founder member of this group which included such mighty warriors as the Carggite champion Stooge Lad, the Daxamite nun Laurelandhardy Gand and the Crown Prince of Orando, Python Boy.

This group flourished for a while before the strange being known as TPTB retconned them out of existence. Python Boy was turned into a girl with white hair and sent back to her castle, Laurelandhardy Gand was transported back in time 1,000 years and called Super Lass and Stooge Boy died when one of his bodies was killed by the computer virus called "I Love You". Attempts to replace the dead body with another were doomed and the great comedy powers were never to return.

Goon Boy was the only survivor of the SSCBSH and for a while wandered the universe in an amnesic daze until he stumbled across the LMB. He immediately felt at home amongst this intelligent and humourous group and was proud to be inducted as their 8th member.

He has since been on many missions with the group and has even acted as manager for the successful VOTE LARD campaign which elected current LMB leader Lard Lad.

Super Powers: