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Noodles by Brent K.
Upon finishing dinner you come across one of the most difficult
situations known to mankind: contemplating The Noodle.
It represents that one morsel of food left on a plate, and no
matter how hard you try, you can never get it in your mouth.
You may spend 30 minutes eating an entire meal, and almost an
hour trying to get The Noodle.
Scooping the fork down to capture it, you only end up pushing the noodle
to the edge of the plate. If it falls off, all hope is lost, for the table is a flat
wasteland where noodles cannot survive. You can get away with a fallen
potato chip; blowing on solid, dry food makes it edible again.
On the other hand, moist food, such as The Noodle, must be discarded as
soon as it hits the table. A piece of wet food on a table is just completely
repulsing.
But, getting back to capturing that noodle, you must conjure up all the
power in your body for delicate hand-to-eye fork work.
Push The Noodle back to the center of the plate before applying different
techniques. This time, place the fork right up against the noodle. Take a
deep breath and count to three.
On the third count, force the fork forward in an attempt to get underneath
the noodle. If at first you don�t succeed, try again and again.
(It never works, of course, though your
plate looks like Mr. Noodle�s Wild Ride.) After
relentless pursuit, you realize you are
getting nowhere and switch tactics again.
You try to sandwich The Noodle between
the bottom of the fork and the plate. This is a very delicate maneuver. It
takes great skill to get it to stick to the bottom of the fork.
Slowly, you lower the fork, in what will be the final standoff between good
and evil. Pumping harder and harder, your blood pulses through your
arteries. You make contact! Slowly... Slowly...
OH MY GOD! You just split The Noodle in half! It�s breeding!
Now there are two Godforsaken noodles loafing about on your plate. If you
could not even get one, how are you going to manage to get two?
Your body heats up with rage. You cannot take it anymore. With feline
reflexes, you drop the fork and grope at it with your bare hands.
It scuttles away.
Snatching up a noodle with your bare hands is about as likely as catching a
greased pig with your toes. Harder and harder your fingers press against
the plate.
Deep inside, it is obvious that defeating The Noodle is a hopeless cause,
but why stop now?
The Noodle Twins mock you. It�s not about giving your stomach one more
tiny bit of food anymore; it is about being a winner, staying in the fight
until the bitter end.
There can be only one victor: you or the noodle.
Punch, claw � o what it takes to destroy that insufferable pasta. Smash it
into oblivion, and make it suffer! Yet, realize The Noodle was destined not
to go down your throat.
Only one option remains: Throw it away. Everything, throw everything
away: the noodle, the fork, even the plate. Now you are the victor. You
probably did not even want that last noodle anyway.
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