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Movies by Brent K.
The time for blockbuster hits and great summer movies is upon us. But along with those great films come the awkward happenings of the movie theater.
This season is the perfect time to examine my theory of attraction. Next time you see a movie, go early and pick out a nice spot to sit. As people enter the movie theater, the odds are 10 to 1 that they will sit by you -- not necessarily in front of you or on the same row as you, but they will sit in your area. You could be the only one in the movie theater, but people are drawn to your presence.
Why do they feel compelled to sit so close? There are about 100 other seats in the theater. By this time, the seats around you have probably been taken up by the crowd. I guess people feel more secure around other people.
But terror strikes when a young couple ventures off to find seats apart from the crowd. The crowd cringes, fearing for the young couple. One person gets shaky and spills his drink, which runs all the way down the floor. You feel the Coke flowing around your shoe, making a slippery puddle on the floor.
The lights begin to dim, and just when you thought the ruckus was over, the unified theory of attraction comes into play. Before the movie started, you made sure to ward off everyone from sitting in the seat in front of you. But now, someone sits there, blocking your view with his big head.
With all the other empty seats, why does he have to sit there? Do not take it from him. You did not arrive early so some big-headed jerk could impede your view of the screen. Stand up and walk to the row in front of him. Then, plop yourself down. Sit straight up. Now your head will be like the moon eclipsing the sun.
After testing and proving my attraction theory, you still have to deal with the motormouth sitting a few rows behind you. Motormouth feels it necessary to comment on every detail of the movie. He cracks a corny joke and his little followers giggle like it is the funniest thing they have ever heard. After 10 seconds of this nonsense, you are about to burst. Your blood boils, the veins in your head and neck bulge with anger and you stand up screaming, "SHUT UP!" Honestly, we all know it takes almost the whole movie for us to finally yell.
This excitement is the real reason to pay for a $6 ticket. The price doesn't go toward the cost of making the movie, but the cost of mental health insurance for the audience. This gives you coverage in case you cannot take the noise and claustrophobia, and you decide to get hostile with every person in the theater. It might sound stupid now, but when that moment finally comes for you, you will be glad you invested in the insanity insurance.
But do not be discouraged by my theory of attraction, talking, or ticket prices, because deep down inside, all movies are truly great. |
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