| Hey there, it's the newsmonkey here, ready with my secret news-wand to scour the globe for the latest exciting developments in the crazy rock'n'roll world of Koala Gateaux Ambush, PFA and all the other exciting bands involving members of the seminal PFA clan. So yank my toilet chain of news, and may news come flushing forth like a big flood of news.... AUGUST 2001 NEWSMONKEY ARCHIVE JULY 2001 NEWSMONKEY ARCHIVE JUNE 2001 NEWSMONKEY ARCHIVE MAY 2001 NEWSMONKEY ARCHIVE APRIL 2001 NEWSMONKEY ARCHIVE MARCH 2001 NEWSMONKEY ARCHIVE 24th March 2003 - KGA/Ja Rule Collaboration Called Off Due To Ja Rule Being Shit The long awaited KGA collaboration with rapper Ja Rule has been pulled from the recording schedules for KGA's debut album 'I Don't Go In For Those Duffel Shenanigans'. The song was to be an updated version of 'I Got Those Perineum Blues', entitled 'I Got Those Perineum Blues (Uh)'. Jonnyhead has cited 'Ja Rule being fucking rubbish' as the reason the duet was cancelled, adding 'I thought Ja Rule was that guy who did 'Liar', but it turns out I was thinking of the Rollins Band. Ja Rule is just some guy who sang on a bunch of crap pop-rap records', before commenting 'Ja Rule probably wouldn't even know what a perineum is'. 19th March 2003 - PFA Anti-War Single Inexplicably Fails To Stop War The new Panda Flan Attack protest single 'War Bad Pandas Good' has had 'no discernible effect' on US war plans, it was announced today. The single, which makes the point that war could be averted if everyone stopped fighting and went to the zoo to look at cute panda babies, was reportedly 'not a factor' in the war plans put forward by Rumsfeld and Powell. PFA member G_[wrd] blamed the UN for not acting quickly enough, saying 'You know, I was watching all these Security Council meetings on TV, and NOT ONCE did countries like France mention any of the points raised in the song'. PFA's recent tourmates, Marvin Likes Barmcakes, joined in by saying that it's 'probably about right' to blame the French for 'everything'. MLB were themselves disappointed when their penis-related anti-war song 'Coalition Of The Willy', was not playlisted by Radio 1. The song criticised Bush for 'attacking Saddam's palace' because George W has a 'teeny tiny phallus'. 13th March 2003 - Jonnyhead Joins Protestors In Condemning George W Bush's Foreign Policy And Beady Eyes KGA mainman and peace activist Jonnyhead yesterday joined the growing chorus of condemnation directed at US President George W Bush for his reckless foreign policy and beady eyes. Speaking at a one-man sit-down protest being conducted on his sofa, Jonnyhead described the Bush-led War On Saddam as 'stupid, but not as stupid as those little shifty-looking eyes'. Jonnyhead also criticised Bush for his 'crappy ties and strange taste in jogging outfits', as well as condemning Bush's office decor. 'Man,' he said, 'that office is soooo fuckin' late-80s/early-90s, it's like something you might expect out of the A-Team or Dallas or something'. In the interests of balance, Jonnyhead was quick to criticise Saddam Hussein for his 'horrific war crimes, arrogant refusal to back down in order to save his people, and his silly moustache'. Saddam Hussein was reportedly 'unavailable for comment'. 9th March 2003 - PFA Rock Music World With Damaging T.A.T.U Comments KGA's parent band, Panda Flan Attack, have shocked rock pundits and consumers alike with allegations that Russian lesbiancore pop sensations T.A.T.U are 'manufactured'. In a recent interview, band member Spaffmonkey said 'To be honest, I think the whole teenage lesbian thing is a bit of a gimmick', adding that it was 'probably the idea of like, some kind of manager or something'. Guitarist DMK backed him up, saying 'Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the music is bad, but I have a feeling the controversy generated by the video might possibly have boosted T.A.T.U's sales to some extent'. The comments represent the latest in a series of allegations from the PFA camp about other acts in the music industry, most notably that Popstars winners Girls Aloud 'probably had some help writing their songs' and that Mick Hucknall is 'a ginger'. 5rd March 2003 - New Book 'KGA - The Wilderness Years' To Be Serialised, Pulped Jonnyhead's exciting new book chronicling his thoughts, fears and bowel movements since KGA's disappearance from the New Marsupialcore scene in 2001 is to be serialised, with extracts published either on this site or somewhere else, or in a newspaper or something. It will also be pulped due to lack of interest. The paper used for the books will be converted back into trees which will be planted in safe areas to help the Koala Refugee Assistance Project (KRAP), whereby koalas who emigrated to areas such as Iraq, Afghanistan and Moss Side will be given help to find new homes, away from fear of persecution and war. Jonnyhead said in a recent interview, 'It's nice to give something back to the koalas, after their inspiration helped put me on the musical map'. He added 'Obviously, it's a bit disappointing that my house is about to be repossessed due to the losses I incurred writing a book no-one wants to even use to prop up their wonky table legs, let alone read, but hey, it's all for a good cause!' 2nd March 2003 - PFA, KGA Sweep Grammies! Local heroes Panda Flan Attack and sister band Koala Gateaux cleaned up at the 45th Annual Grammy Awards last month after failing to win or be nominated for any awards. Both bands were left to pick up their own empty crisp packets and oversized beverage cups after watching other acts pick up awards. PFA were particularly disappointed. Band meber BigChris said 'We really thought 'Panda In A Blender' should have been nominated in the Best Original Song By A Band From Manchester About Poignant Tragedies Involving Stuffed Toy Pandas And Kitchen Appliances category, but we were beaten to it by local rap band Tha Bamboo Krew and their song 'Potato Peelers And Pandas Don't Mix (Sad Panda Rap)' 1st March 2003 - KGA Make Dramatic Return After 19-Month Hiatus! Koala Gateaux Ambush have made a shock return to the small-time after spending the past year and a half being extraordinarily lazy. By a sheer quirk of fortune, nothing of any interest happened during this period of laziness, which has lasted since July 2001. And, by an even more astounding coincidence, this rush of news and consequent site update coincides EXACTLY with a message from Geocities warning that the KGA site is about to be deleted due to inactivity! Fancy that! |
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