| 18th April 2001 - Mystery source leaks PFA film revamp details! A mystery web-goblin has revealed that PFA have recorded an alternative Tarantino/Scorsese-style version of their film 'Who Shot Jonnyhead?' for a special edition DVD bonus section. Here is part of the screenplay for the film, entitled 'Who Shot This Motherfucker?': (Jonnyhead is reclining in a stylish penthouse apartment, when M'n'M bursts in....) M'n'M: 'I have a little quote I got memorised; 'The path of the righteous panda is beset on all sides by the shenanigans of monks like you''. Jonnyhead: 'What?' M'n'M: ''What?' 'What?' Is that some kind of monk language? Do they speak English in 'What'? I dare you to say 'What' one more time....' Jonnyhead: 'What?' M'n'M: 'Are you fucking with me? You fuck with me, you fuck with my whole panda clan. Are you fucking with me? Are you fucking with me? You wanna fuck with me, is that what you wanna do?' (Shoots Jonnyhead in the face) (3 hours later, Dark Mark and BigChris enter the apartment to find Jonnyhead shot) Dark Mark: 'Who shot this motherfucker?' (Fade to black) 14th April 2001 - Acejoy to sign multi-pound fizzy drinks deal? Unconfirmed reports coming through the 'grapevine' have claimed that, in the wake of Britney Spears' massive Pepsi sponsorship deal, and Christina Aguilera's Coca Cola contract, competitors Rola Cola are set to offer PFA's booty-shakin', big pimpin' brassmaster Damon Acejoy a deal which could run into 'literally pounds'. The deal, which would not compromise PFA's anti-capitalist stance because of a 'loophole', will reportedly involve Acejoy starring in a TV advert in which he lures around 100 people to a deserted heath with his sweet trumpet playing, Pied Piper-style, before persuading them to take the Rola Cola taste test. The other members of PFA are reputedly holding out for a Panda Pops deal. 12th April 2001 - PFA to embrace G_[nu]-ska? Rumours circulating over there suggest that PFA's music is about to take a new G_[nu]-ska direction, which will undoubtedly start a G_[nu]-ska explosion. Breakdancing may also be involved. The G_[nu]-ska movment has been variously described as 'the hottest musical movement since Transylvanian death-folk', 'a breath of fresh air', 'a bunch of morons pissing about' and 'shit'. Whatever direction PFA take, rest assured that their anti-duffel attitude will remain. 9th April 2001 - Original KGA lineup in 'reforming' shenanigans! The long-awaited return of Koala Gateaux Ambush was confirmed today after Jonnyhead resolved his musical differences and rejoined the band. The reformed group's first public appearance took place yesterday in Manchester, where Jonnyhead was seen in Vinyl Exchange looking for Husker Du records. Jonnyhead confirmed that he is working on Dark Mark's rap-skiffle project, but that has been put 'on hold' for the time being. 6th April 2001 - Sensation as Jonnyhead quits KGA!!! The rock world was shaken today by news that KGA's sole official member and founder, Jonnyhead, has quit the band, citing 'musical and spiritual differences' as the cause. The future of the band is now in serious doubt, as there are currently no members, though Jonnyhead tells fans not to worry: 'The band has always been bigger than its individual members, and KGA will continue to make music regardless of minor line-up changes'. Rumours that Jonnyhead is working on a rap-skiffle project with PFA's skiffle expert Dark Mark are as yet unconfirmed. Members of PFA expressed their surprise at the decision in various ways. BigChris made the following statement: 'This is all kinds of not fair to Chris. This is NOT what I'm talking about, I don't go in for these prepared statement shenanigans'. M'n'M responded to the news by remaining in bed. 5th April 2001 - It's BPD Mania! PFA's nuff-respect DJ, Scally Sam (aka DJ Manhood), has confessed to being 'flummoxed' by the increasing popularity of squirrel-worrying Bad Pants Dan. BPD's role in the band as a vibemaster, philospher and art terrorist has earned him a cult following amongst PFA fans, and the first Bad Pants Dan fansite is now online. Part of his popularity is down to his reputation for spouting forth words of wisdom using his unique insight into the complexities of modern life, such as 'Post Office queues, eh? What's that all about? Eh?'. However, BPD is worried that his increasingly outrageous trouser choices may be overshadowing his undoubted talent. He says: 'I don't want to be remembered for my controversial pants, I want to be remembered for my musical genius'. Wise words indeed. 2nd April 2001 - April Fools get around! Did you spot our April Fools story? In our 1st April story, we revealed that G_[wrd], PFA's erotic dancing expert, hadn't left his house for two days. Of course, this was not true, as G_[wrd] went to the local supermarket to get more Ready Brek, break in his new sports-casual suede moccasins with panda motif, and, of course, check out his gravel pit. The rest of the story was true. 1st April 2001- G-[wrd] doesn't get around! Fears have been growing for the health of globetrotting PFA axebastard G_[wrd] after it became clear that he hasn't left his house for two days. This is highly irregular, as G_[wrd] has become famous for 'getting around', and spreading G-shaped love across Britain in his special 'G-mobile' decorated in pictures of Smiths bassist Andy Rourke, solving mysteries wherever the opportunity arises. G_[wrd]'s extraordinary ability to get around is a direct result of his special diet of frozen Ready Brek bars, which he claims, when taken with a healthy dose of Ocean Spray cranberry juice, imbues his legs with special 'walking power'. |
| NEWSMONKEY - APRIL 2001 |