| JULY 2001 NEWSMONKEY ARCHIVE |
| 30th July 2001 - Outrage at 'unspeakably sick' KGA stunt KGA's label Psychotic Cushion Records have been roundly condemned over a stunt which saw them convince a number of celebrities to endorse the band on camera. A camera crew pretended they were making an educational film about endangered koalas and asked them to endorse KGA, which, they assured the celebrities, stood for Koala Generosity Appeal. In the short film, former(?) GMTV fitness guru Mr Motivator can be seen to say, 'Now listen up, kids. KGA is the most important thing you'll hear about EVER!', while Robert Kilroy-Silk was duped into warning kids away from 'duffel shenanigans', which he was assured was just hip kid-speak. A government spokesman, Lord Steve-Dave McFez, said, 'This is gonna make celebrities think again about endorsing charitable causes. I think it's disgusting. If you find attacking koalas with gateaux funny I'm sure you'll laugh, you sick bastards', while charity campaigner Steve-Dave Stevens added, 'I've never heard of KGA or seen the video, but I heard they were all right bastards who boil koalas live onstage on shit on the postman'. Psychotic Cushion Records were 'unavailable for comment'. 23rd July 2001 - Dark Mark backwards album suffers cock-up Foreign-bound PFA anti-fascist DMK has expressed his embarrassment after hearing that the first pressings of his solo project, a backwards album called 'Mubla' we mentioned last month, were recorded backwards, meaning they were actually forwards. DMK's label, Crazy Fuckin' Beaver Records, soon rectified the mistake, but not before 52 copies had been leaked. The 52 forwards albums are now expected to become collector's items, fetching 'up to pounds' in record stores, while bootlegs are already available on various music websites, including musicmyass.com, kissmyface.com and britneyspears.com. The incident echoes a previous solo album mishap, when the first 11 copies of DJ Manhood's 'Frac' album contained thousands of deadly swarming ants instead of a CD. A spokesman for Crazy Fuckin' Beaver said 'Oops!'. 19th July 2001 - PFA foreign tour 'a success' PFA have reported on the success of their recent 'World Tour Of Magalluf', where members of the band incluing Jonnyhead, Damon Acejoy, Bad Pants Dan, M'n'M and DJ Manhood visited numerous venues in the resort. The missing PFA members were replaced by the likes of Mr Bean, El Foth, The Ginge and Stevie 'Cash Money' B. The band received a warm reception at the reception of their hotel, and didn't even have to play in most venues to go down a storm, despite the dropping-out of their scheduled support acts for the tour, Scottish indie band Constant Nipple Pain and American punks Marvin Likes Barmcakes. 17th July 2001 - M'n'M: 'My Maoam Hell' M'n'M has finally spoken for the first time about his addiction to a brand of chewy sweets known as Maoam. 'It started with Blackjacks and Refreshers, and I could deal with that,' he told interviewer Steve-Dave Meringue of The Sun, 'but after a few months it wasn't enough. I wanted more. Then I was in Spain and someone sold me Maoam, and I was just hooked. It got to the point where I would wake up every morning, naked and cold, and head straight to my local Supermeerkat for another fix of Maoam. It was pretty heavy shit...it nearly cost me my place in the band. I even sold some of my My Vitriol rarities to get more Maoam. Then one day, I saw a small kid enjoying Maoam and I thought about stealing it. That's when it hit me that I had problem. I managed to wean myself off Maoam, first of all with Chewits, and then I finally went cold turkey, and i haven't craved Maoam since'. 12th July 2001 - KGA to dabble with fame? Following Paul McCartney's guest appearance chewing vegetables on the new Super Furry Animals album, and New Order's recruitment of alleged megalomaniac Billy Corgan as an expendable extra member, KGA and PFA are set to jump on the bandwagon of getting famous people to do their menial crap for them. PFA are hoping to get Bono in to 'gnash his teeth quietly and spin Weebles' on an as-yet-untitled new song. PFA sausage-roll fetishist G_[wrd] said yesterday, 'We're sure Bono'll be up for it, cos the song is right up his street: it's about voles living in bowls who chase moles and foals and quite like Andy Cole. And the rock band Hole. And we're hoping he'll be able to persuade the Pope to join him on the record. We'd really like to have the sound of the Pope stroking a small gerbil really low in the mix'. Meanwhile, KGA are trying to recruit Madonna as a minimum-wage roadie 'basically just carrying all our shit around and making tea and stuff'. Jonnyhead was careful to stress that it is not official yet, adding 'My people are talking to her people'. 7th July 2001 - Panda Pops court case gets underway BigChris arrived in court today dressed in a black-and-white non-duffel coat and pimp hat to attend the opening of the Panda Flan Attack court case. PFA are suing a company calling themselves 'Panda Pops' (who make reasonably-priced fizzy beverages), alleging that they are trading off the back of the band's huge critical and commercial acclaim 'like leeches sucking on a panda's face'. Steve-Dave Nobjoy, a spokespanda for Panda Pops, which is priced at eight litres for 40p, commented; 'What a load of bollocks!', claiming that Panda Pops have been trading for 'fucking ages'. He added, somewhat dubiously, that he had 'never even heard' of PFA, asking, 'Are they, like, a folk group or something?'. However, PFA remain unrepentant. Multi-instru-mentalist Bad Pants Dan said, 'We're claiming 'intellectual copyright' over the use of the word 'panda'. I mean, pandas were out of fashion for years. Then we come along, and almost straight away you see the 'panda' drinks everywhere. It takes the piss! We're just worried that fans might be buying these drinks thinking they're official PFA merchandise, when in fact, we don't endorse them at all. Capitalist scum!'. The case continues. Note: for legal reasons, we have been asked to remind you to insert the word 'allegedly' at the end of every sentence in the above article. 2nd July 2001 - Billy Corgan 'not losing sleep' over M'n'M remarks Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan was reportedly 'not particularly bothered' about PFA kazoo guru M'n'M's comments regarding his band. M'n'M, known to some as 'Spaffmonkey', has repeatedly described multi-million selling rock legends the Pumpkins as 'shit'. In response, Corgan pointed to his millions of record sales, his widespread artistic respect, his celebrity mates, piles of cash and collaborations with the likes of Deftones and New Order as factors which cushioned the blow of receiving such harsh criticism from a fellow musician, and added 'Bye!'. In a not-very-well prepared statement, M'n'M responded 'Billy Corgan = Joka!'. |