| 30th May 2001 - KGA 'not touring for foreseeable future' Koala Gateaux Ambush have admitted that they will not be touring in the foreseeable future, because of a number of factors, including not having any transport or having enough songs. Rumours that KGA member Jonnyhead will be appearing at Chorlton's Horse And Jockey, doing acoustic covers of Rage Against The Machine cover with multi-talented PFA wizard M'n'M, could be true 'depending on how drunk we get'. KGA will be doing some secret gigs, however, in the run-up to the release of the bolt on the front door. Fans should note, however, that rumours that they are appearing in a large field in Oxford under the name 'Radiohead' are entirely unfounded. Music industry experts have assured us that 'Radiohead' are an 'actual band' who are not in any way linked to KGA. 27th May 2001 - Who's your favourite Panda voting for? Some of the members of Panda Flan Attack, inspired by Geri Halliwell's enlightened and informative critique of the relative merits and demerits of the major political parties, where she cleverly compared running a major power in the European economy with changing babies' shitty nappies, have revealed who they'll be voting for in the forthcoming General Election. Jonnyhead will be voting for Queens Of The Stone Age, whilst M'n'M will be supporting shock-haired warbler Leo Sayer's favoured party, whatever that is. Dark Mark will 'definitely not be voting for any fucking fascists', whilst DJ Manhood is not interested in any 'party' that doesn't involve glow sticks and bangin' 'dope beats'. Bad Pants Dan was struck off the electoral register for his 'strides-related' misdemeanours back in '96, and Damon Acejoy will be voting Green, because they are 'the only party who put the rights of Koi Carp ahead of trivial, time-wasting issues like education and health'. G_[wrd] cannot, vote, since he is standing in the general election himself as an independent. 22nd May 2001 - COMPETITION TIME!!! The KGA website is now proud to announce a brand new competition feature, where all sorts of prizes can be won, including the chance to meet Jonnyhead, and a number of less painful things, too! Go to the competition page on the main menu, or click here. 21st May 2001 - EXCLUSIVE! Acejoy in side-project tomfoolery! This site can now exclusively reveal that Damon Acejoy, Panda Flan Attack's Karel Poborsky-fixated wind instrumentalist and near-legendary film-maker, is planning a solo project under the name Koi Profiter Roll Khaos. Acejoy, who dismisses that idea that the name was partly inspired by seminal pop band Ultimate Kaos, has hinted that the music will sound like 'soundwaves travelling through the air', has long been a Koi Carp Rights campaigner, alongside other famous pro-Koi celebrities, such as Bill Oddie, Roland Rat and the bass player from Sigue Sigue Sputnik. The project is rumoured to feature his pet Koi, Ricardo Tot, on lead vocals and tambourine. Alcohol is rumoured to be involved. 15th May 2001 - Long-lost PFA cover version to surface? Yet more internet rumours, this time concerning the reappearance of a track PFA recorded back when they were shit entitled 'Hand In G_[Love]', a song previously thought to have been lost years ago. The song was eventually found in the place they had it last, which was ironically 'the last place they looked' (behind the sofa, being guarded by a cat with a pnuematic drill). The song's lyrics are somewhat controversial, including lines like 'Hand in G_[love]/The glove goes right up a behind/No, this is not like any other glove/This one is different, it's up his arse!'. The lyrics are apparently a reference to the 'freak-ass' sexual deviancy of PFA member G_[Love], aka G_[wrd], and the song has gained legendary status among the PFA hardcore fanbase since it appeared on Napster. The track is apparently going to feature a compilation entitled 'The Best Obscure And Potentially Libellous Indie Tunes In Manchester Ever! Volume 7', to be released on Psychotic Cushion's sister label, Deranged Pillow Records. A PFA spokespanda has said that any resemblance to The Smiths' classic song 'Hand In Glove' is purely coincedental, before adding 'SUCKERS! That last bit is off-the-record, right?' 10th May 2001 - Koala Gateaux Ambush and PFA to appear on Crazy Town tribute album? Sources close to a babbling brook have reported that both KGA and PFA are set to appear on the forthcoming Crazy Town tribute album, snappily entitled 'Butterfly - A Tribute To Crazy Town'. The reports suggest that KGA will be doing an interpretation of the band's classic song 'Butterfly', while PFA will be contributing a cover of 'Butterfly'. Damon Acejoy has also expressed an interest in making a solo appearance, possibly doing a cover of 'Butterfly'. To further increase the significance of the album, it will apparently be packaged with a bonus CD, featuring Dark Mark's remix of the song 'Butterfly'. 4th May 2001 - May the fourth be with you! Eh? See what I did there? Eh? Nostalgic film reference AND joke! See, it works on so many levels hahaha! And they say comedy is just all about timing! Was there a gherkin of truth in the burger of rumour served up by PFA's hush-hush wink-wink member? The insider, who in a recent interview hinted at some evil stuff going down in the PFA enclave, awoke the next day to find that his car had been 'minted', probably by PFA-affiliated mint terrorists. The word 'MIN' was also spelled out in shoes on his driveway. It is believed that the mystery ne'er-do-wells were trying to spell out the word 'MINCE', or possibly 'MINT', or maybe even 'MINGUS' (in a reference to jazz musician Charles Mingus), before being disturbed by angry squirrels. The informant, who wishes he'd 'kept his big fat mouth shut', is particularly fearful of being targeted by the most fanatical mint terrorists, so-called 'suicide minters', and added that he was so fearful for his safety, he was going to 'hiiiii-iiiii-IIIIIIDE!', a phrase he emphasised by singing it, then continuing in a different key. 2nd May 2001 - What are PFA hiding? Conspiracy theory shenanigans... Important national secuity issues are being reviewed after a member of Panda Flan Attack (who cannot be named for I've-forgotten-his-name reasons) spoke out about the 'weird shit' that regularly 'goes down' in the PFA Luxury Winnebago. Said the mystery informant; 'I know some stuff about PFA that would shit...your brain. Mmm. But I can't tell you. 'Cos they'll do it to me, too. Seriously. And I'm not winding you up, either'. PFA refused to be drawn on whether the man has a 'file' at PFA's secret underground/overground headquarters. Enigmatically, a PFA spokespanda said: 'Nice day for it, eh?'. |
| MAY 2001 NEWSMONKEY ARCHIVE |