| AUGUST 2001 NEWSMONKEY ARCHIVE |
| 29th August 2001 - Outrage As Leeds PFA-Fest End In Rioting And People Shouting 'Timmay!' Really Quite Loud Pitchfork-wielding Northern types have been expressing their anger by raising their voices and gesturing wildly after scenes of 'complete debauchery' at the inaugural PFA-Fest in Leeds Village. People have criticised the incendiary nature of PFA's set, which included a version of new song 'Who Fixed It For Jimmy Saville To Fall Off A Gondola?'. A policeman (with a hat and everything) said 'PFA's supposedly 'secret' gig contained what we would consider an incitement to riot, what with the wanton destruction of chocolate digestives and, in particular, a couple of songs, the Jimmy Saville one, and the song 'We Encourage All Of You To Push Toilets Over, Shout 'Timmay!' Really Loud, Start Fires And, If Possible, Kick A Policeman In The Testicles, Motherfuckers!'. The gig also gave guitar-botherer G_[wrd] the chance to show off his new guitar style, involving his patented 'Strumming With Biscuits' technique instead of plectrums. G_[wrd] offered this sage advice: 'First of all, it's copywritten so...don't copy me. Butif you do wanna try it, use a strong biscuit such as a chocolate digestive or a stale Rich Tea. Malted Milks are too soft, and custard creams will damage your flange if you leave them lying near you kit. 23rd August 2001 - 'Thousands' To Descend On Leeds To Celebrate PFA Anniversary Reports are that the newly-named Leeds PFAstival is to be a big success, with tens of thousands of people on their way to Temple Newsam Park to celebrate the first anniversary of PFA's being. However, PFA's own performance has been moved to a secret location on the site in order to avoid the possibility of a potential crush as everyone tries to avoid hearing Gene, who go on at the same time in the Indie Losers Tent. PFA guitar-fondler G_[wrd] has promised 'interesting surprised, possibly involving substituting traditional guitar paraphernalia with tasty chocolate covered foodstuffs'. PFA's supporting acts at PFA-Fest include Manic Street Preachers, Eminem, Travis and, hopefully, Marvin Like Barmcakes. 18th August 2001 - P.Linnid Cleared Of 'Licquorice-Whipping' Incident PFA gangsta rap cohort P.Linnid (formerly Podgy Leonard) has been cleared of licquorice-whipping a man outside a nightclub, in time to possibly join PFA at this year's Leeds Folk Festival as a 'special guest'. Linnid had allegedly launched the attack on the nameless man after he caught the stranger stroking his dog affectionately. It had been alleged that Linnid snapped, pulled out his pick'n'mix from a secret pocket and use a licquorice lace to whip the man 'upside the head' while yelling 'Get your hands off my bitch!'. 17th August 2001 - PFA Anniversary To Be Ignored By NME? This coming Bank Holiday weekend will be the first anniversary of PFA's birth. PFA were formed at last year's Leeds Pets At Home Festival in a blaze of glory and 'Bollocks!'-shouting, making this year's Leeds fest a significant date in the calendar of any self-disrespecting music fan. And yet NME is set to ignore the event, instead choosing to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the release of cult American country band Nirvana's second album 'Nevermind'. A PFA spokesperson said, 'It just goes to show that NME wouldn't know a good band if it took the form of an enormous bear and climbed into it's bed and attempted to rut it's wife while singing 'Hot Legs' by ZZ Top really loud and out of key'. 15th August 2001 - New KGA Single To Be Chart-Ineligible, Rules Man In Suit Disappointment was felt by legions of KGA fans after the band's new single 'It Takes All Kinds Of Bear Meat Shenanigans To Make A Good Stew (Is What I'm Talking About)' was ruled to be chart-ineligible because of it's unwieldy title. This situation was also recently experienced by Mogwai, whose new single 'My Father, My King' is twelve seconds too long. A chart spokesmuppet said 'The KGA single will not be chart eligible for two reasons: the first is because we really can't be arsed writing that title out. The second is because only one copy has been made, and we can't really see that troubling, say, OPM's sales'. Jonnyhead said 'Yeah, right. Bollocks. Whatever' and questioned whether these were the real reasons for the ban. Mogwai frontman Stuart Braithwaite said 'Is it fuck!'. N.B. for legal reasons we have been asked to make it clear that Stuart Braithwaite may well have been talking about something else. 10th August 2001 - Strokes Frontman In PFA Tribute, Spaffmonkey 'Well Chuffed' The hip stylings of PFA's fashion range, or 'PFAshion' as people might call it if it were easy to say, have reached New York City, as Strokes frontman Julian Casablancas was clearly seen 'wishing he was in Panda Flan Attack' by wearing a panda suit. To see pictorial evidence, click HERE. The Strokes are reportedly big fans of both PFA and KGA, according to a source who prefers not to be named in case people take the piss out of his name, and even though Casablancas' tribute was lost on Q magazine, members of PFA were quick to spot the link. Spaffmonkey was reportedly 'well chuffed', saying 'as tributes go, this is right up there with the time the drummer out of Gene said something that sounded a bit like 'PFA' to Steve Lamacq'. 4th August 2001 - BigChris, Laide, DJ Manhood in PFA Gangsta Rap Offshoot More exciting news from the PFA camp, as it was announced that PFA members BigChris, Laide and DJ Scally Sam are forming a gangsta hip-hop collective known as the Lil' Bo! Peeps. Under their bitch-dissin' new gangsta pseudonymns of MC eZbigC, MC 3DollarQuiche and DJ Bitchslap, the trio have recorded a single entitled 'Let's Hunt And Kill Members Of Starsailor For Fun', to be released on Now Where's My Fuckin' Gun, Bitch? Records. MC eZbigC said, 'Yeah, we be vibin' it, homedawg, for real. You wanna challenge my street flows? Step up, you crazy mo'fukka!'. The tune is described as 'somewhere between Wu-Tang Clan, M.O.P and Belle And Sebastian' by someone who really looked like he knew what he was talking about. Recognise! what he was talking about. Recognise! |