| 25th March 2001 - PFA reputation tarnished in drug controversy Panda Flan Attack have become embroiled in contoversy yet again, after three members of the band were caught in Manchester's Piccadilly Gardens with no drugs of any kind on their person. The band's rock'n'roll reputation has been shattered by the revelations that Damon Acejoy, M'n'M and Bad Pants Dan are not drug-guzzling rockpigs. Bad Pants Dan was even spotted enjoying a healthy protein milkshake and a NutriGrain Bar and talking articulately about important 'world issues'. In a press conference, M'n'M apologised to fans, saying 'We were really stupid and we apologise unreservedly. We realise we have a duty to our fans to be role models, it was just a moment of stupidity'. Damon Acejoy added 'I had three paracetemol this morning, if it helps...', but by then the damage was done. 23rd March 2001 - G_[wrd] and BigChris kiss and make up! The PFA crisis is over after G_[wrd] and BigChris resolved their differences over 20 McNuggets. G said 'I never really thought of fighting him anyway, I feel a bit embarrassed about it, to be honest'. BigChris said nothing of interest. 22nd March 2001 - Is a PFA fight on the cards? Recent tensions in the PFA camp could result in a gory confronatation between BigChris and G_[wrd], with literally pounds at stake. BigC was asked in a recent interview how he was getting on with G_[wrd], when he replied 'I was never mates with him, he was just a fat dancer from Panda Flan Attack'. Later, G_[wrd], picking up an award for Best Toenail Painting at the prestigious Jif Lemon Music Awards, responded by saying 'BigChris is just a pussy. I challenge him to a game of paper-scissors-stone, on local radio. �10 of my money, �10 of his money...come on, ya bastard!'. BigChris was in hiding when we tried to interview him. 20th March 2001 - Parliament rejects call for duffel ban There is widespread anger in the KGA camp after a government minister rejected KGA-spearheaded motions to have duffel coats outlawed in the UK, calling the move 'faintly ridiculous...a waste of valuable ministerial time....pointless buffoonery'. KGA spokesperson Harry Manback responded 'This just proves how out of touch with the people this Labour government is. People aren't gonna stand by and let duffel shenanigans become widespread in Britain. Write to your MP! Viva la revolution!'. Anti-duffel campaigners point to the problems facing Russia as justification. John Nicely, of the General Organisation for Northerners Against Duffel Shenanigans' (GONADS), said 'Russia's economy is fucked. They all wear duffel coats. You don't have to be Einstein to spot the link there'. 19th March 2001 - Jonnyhead spotted 'indulging in duffel shenanigans' Controversy has beset the KGA camp after a mystery informant told how he recently saw Jonnyhead wearing a duffel coat in his house. The man said 'I was performing a series of burglaries in Jonnyhead's vicinity when I chanced upon his luxury rock-star abode. Peering through a small gap in his decadent rouched velvet curtains, I was flabbergasted to see him reclining on a luxury chaise longue, bedecked in an expensive duffel coat, smoking a Cuban cigar. It was a black and white duffel coat, doubtless pilfered surreptitiously from the Panda Flan Attack communal wardrobe. It made him look somewhat like a panda, albeit a panda listening to Queens Of the Stone Age and eating Mint Munchies as opposed to bamboo'. The allegations are especially serious when you consider Jonnyhead's vitriolic anti-duffel stance. He once remarked in an interview that duffel coats were 'a form of fascism...the fashion equivalent of having a swastika tattoed on your forehead' and blamed them for a number of recent crises, including BSE, petrol, foot and mouth and the continuing existence of Gay Dad. A KGA spokesperson dismissed the allegations as 'spurious claptrap and blatant publicity-seeking'. So there! 14th March 2001 - Plans for giant outdoor KGAFest put 'on hold' Jonnyhead has revealed that the prospect of a giant KGAFest at Milton Keynes Bowl is looking 'unlikely'. It seems that KGA will not be following the trend of putting on giant outdoor stage shows with camping and candyfloss and suchlike, as demonstrated by the likes of AC/DC, Limp Bizkit, Bon Jovi, Stereophonics and Cornershop. Jonnyhead denied that this was because KGA simply aren't as popular as those bands. he explains: 'We were gonna do a big show, but the support acts fell through and we didn't wanna fob people off with shit bands, so we called the whole thing off. Also, the council wouldn't let me do my big entrance, in a hot air ballon shaped like a giant breast'. 13th March 2001 - Is PFA Big Brother on the way? Internet-based rumours suggest that a Panda Flan Attack version of hit Channel 4 show Big Brother may be on the way. If the rumours are to be believed, the show will consist of the members of PFA being locked in a big house and filmed 24 hours a day. The general public will then decide which Panda is 'the most lame'. The evicted Panda will then be given a damn good kicking by the rest of the band before being sent on their way. Trumpet player Damon Acejoy is not keen on the idea, however, as he will miss numerous episodes of Buffy while inside. Meanwhile, Bad Pants Dan will not be allowed to take part, as his loud slacks will cause horrible strobing effects on the TV and could induce epileptic fits in viewers. 12th March 2001 - PFA deny 'manufactured' allegations KGA's parent band, Panda Flan Attack, have defended themselves over allegations that they were manufactured, Hear'Say style, by music industry moguls. The accusations were made by mystery rival band Marmoset Meringue Massacre in a recent altercation in a pub. PFA maintain that they were formed at the Leeds festival 2000, inspired by Pets At Home and a certain amount of alcohol. They have dismissed the accusations as 'blatant publicity-seeking' by MMM, adding weight to the suspicion that MMM may be a pseudonym for one of 'The PFA Three', three musicians who claim they were cruelly 'Pete Bested' out of the band before they achieved fame. The only person we can rule out is reggae dancehall artist Shaggy, who says: 'It wasn't me'. 10th March 2001 - Is Bad Pants Dan the mystery cheeky monkey? Speculation has been mounting in the KGA camp that the band's mystery hatemailer may be none other than Panda Flan Attack's veteran illegal-slacksmeister Bad Pants Dan. He was seen in the band's local drinking den looking 'decidedly shifty', according to an anonymous informant. He was attempting to go incognito by wearing slightly less dubious pants, but gave himself away by using his inimitable, trademark mating call. 9th March 2001 - Jonnyhead 'shellshocked' after hate mail campaign The peaceful aura of calm which surrounds the KGA castle has been royally buggered by a mystery detractor who sent hatemail to KGA via the Panda Flan Attack website. The man's psychotic ramblings have ruffled the feathers of all involved with KGA. The man is believed to be involved with a band/organisation calling themselves 'Emu Eclair Emancipation' (EEE). The email looked like this: Instrumentals with eucalyptus: It's a plant that's hard to spell. Lead toxic, isn't it? Marvellous. Simpson, eh? Free CD............ta very much. First 7 to reply Like the 7 deadly sins Gluttony, isn't it? I am he, the one who will campaign for chips and spaghetti to rain down upon the ruffled wool of koalas.... 'Wool!' I hear you say. Yes, sheep, koala, mooooooooo hahahahah If you are pondering to my name, you must not know. I will torment you until KGA is dissolved. Long live EEE Emu Eclair Emancipation. KGA are unsure whether the threat is serious, but those afilliated with KGA are advised to watch their backs and carry a big stick. There is a possibilty that members of PFA may have been responsible, but we're not saying who we suspect just yet. 7th March 2001 - Tension mounts over punch-spiking incident Relations between KGA and parent band Panda Flan Attack have come under strain after KGA frontman Jonnyhead was accused of sabotage by cack-handed bassmeister BigChris. Panda Flan Attack's 'mobilisation' attempts were scuppered after BigChris forgot his shoes in a bout of punch-drinking amnesia and was left standing alone, naked from the turn-ups down, at Altrincham train station, his dreams shattered by his own apparent stupidity. However, BigC has speculated that the KGA may have been involved in spiking the punch in a fit of jealousy. Jonnyhead denies this, instead pointing the finger at failed 'Popstar' Darius Danesh, adding 'That is one suspicious-looking dude!'. 5th March 2001 - KGA in 'empty-handed' Brits shocker! KGA mainman Jonnyhead has confessed that he is still 'in shock' over not winning anything at the Brits this year. 'You know, I thought this was gonna be my year, but no, even PFA didn't win anything! I don't go in for these Brits shenanigans anyhow'. Good news, however, was provided by the fact that professional Lionel Richie tribute act 'Craig David' also failed to win any awards, despite the success of his educational songs designed to teach kids about the number of days in a week and the ease with which one can pick up dirty slappers in bars. 1st March 2001 - Jonnyhead fights back in 'Shortist' controversy Jonnyhead has defended himself over the controversy surrounding his song 'Short People Are Satan's Minions And Must Be Killed'. Shortarse activists have been getting in somewhat of a lather over the song, which suggests a link between 'vertically challenged' people and the Dark Prince of Heck, Beelzebub. Jonnyhead said 'The song is meant to be ironic, it's not me singing, it's my alter-ego. People aren't gonna take it seriously, they know where I'm coming from and they know that I have a lot of love for short people. I'm even hoping to perform a duet with Muse's midget lead singer Matt Bellamy at the Brits'. However, a spokesperson for activist group The Vertically Challenged People's Rights Movementl (VCPRM) said: 'This is an outrage. I thought when Danny De Vito and Joe Pesci made it big it would signal the end of all this short-arse bashing, but it seems some people are still living in the Dark Ages with their caveman attitudes'. KGA's record label, Psychotic Cushion Records, were 'unavailable for comment'. |
| NEWSMONKEY- MARCH 2001 |