imagine doing this countless times a day,

imagine thinking about it every other second.

The title of this page is Anorexia. I am not going to bore you with the clinical definition of this illness, with all of it's symptoms and criteria. There are plenty of sites out there that will do that. Something-Fishy is one of the best sites out there that concerns eating disorders. The website will give you the definitions of all three eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia and compulsive overeating), as well as online support and feedback, a treatment finder, and various ways of helping yourself get better. Something-Fishy was a big source of support for me, and I have met and made some wonderful friends that way, and even met with twenty some other "fishies" in NYC on spring day.

One thing I will not do here is tell you how much I weigh now or how much I weighed when I was at my worst state. If there is one thing that you can take away from here, I hope it is the knowledge that eating disorders are not about weight. The real issues lie beneath the weight. The real issues are what need to be dealt with in order for you to get better. I used to weigh myself countless times a day. Before and after a shower, before and after going to the bathroom, before and after a meal, or even a cookie, before and after just about every activity I did. The weight was how I measured how close I was getting to my goal. I did not care about how I looked, or what size I wore.

This is what I wanted to do: I wanted to disappear. that's just another way of saying you want to lose weight you are probably thinking. Nope. In my totally illogical mind, I just wanted to disappear. Because I thought that if no one could see me, then no one could touch me, namely being men. I did not want to look good. I did not want to be more attractive to men. I didn't even want to be seen by men at all. My whole life I felt like I took up too much space in the world, like I didn't have a right to be here.

This is why: I was ually abused and d from the time I was four to the time I was eight. I write that small because it is still hard for me to say, even though you don't know who I am. I grew up thinking that I did not deserve anything, that I was just inherently wrong just for being alive. I always felt out of place, like I didn't have a home. Like I never would.

So I turned first to over-exercising. I won't say how much. I won't tell you what I did. We'll just say that it was just way too much. It did allow me to succeed tremendously in my sports, but later I would pay a price. When I got to college, that is when the full-blown anorexia began. It wasn't a conscious decision to "be anorexic," rather, I just didn't think I should be taking up too much space, and hence decided to not take up any space at all. In the end, I wrecked the illustrious track and field career by tearing my hip tendons. You'd think that I would learn, huh? Naw. It would take four more years until I would even admit that I was anorexic. And even after I admitted the fact, I still didn't get better. I guess I was a slow learner. That and the fact that old habbits and feelings and fears just don't go away in a day.

Yeah, I lost weight. Yeah, I threw up. (I haven't thrown up in almost two years, though!!! I celebrated on the year anniversary, too.) Yeah, I was hospitalized, more than once. Yeah, I was in partials. Yeah, I had a nutritionist and was weighed in every week with that magic "low number" that I wasn't allowed to drop below. Yeah, the ER docs were my friends since I went there for dehydration on several occassions. Yeah, I almost had a heart attack once.

All of the above doesn't mean . I have met people who didn't struggle as much as I did and were never hospitalized. I have met people who have struggled far more than I did, and are still struggling. I have met people who would later go on to die. It doesn't matter how "bad" your story is. If you struggle with an ED, you experience pain. Pain cannot be measured, and is felt differently by each individual.

What isimportant is that you seek help and deal with your pain. No one deserves to live like this. No one. The day you pick up the phone and make the decision to get help may very well be the hardest decision you have made in your life. Don't let anyone fool you: getting better is hard work, and hurts like hell. But you know what? If you don't get help, there is a possibility you can die. And you don't have to look like a holocaust victim for that to happen. The day the paramedics came and stuck a needle in my chest to save my life I didn't think it would ever happen to me. Too bad it did.

Like I said, there will be no numbers here. But as with any site regarding eating disorders, enter here with full knowledge that what I may write could be upsetting. I'll give you no tips, and I will never encourage someone to continue living with an eating disorder. Because it isn't really living, and it can and will lead to . I may tell parts of my story at some point. Right now the only thing up is a poem. I guess you could say my site is under construction. As is my life most of the time!

wasting away        Poem about slowly dying to an illness that I helped create.

July, 2002     An update about my feelings during this month

August, 2002    continuing update on my feelings

September, 2002    and we go on and on

October, 2002    the story continue

January, 2003    finally getting in here and updating a little bit. explanation "inside"

Something-Fishy Website on Eating Disorders         An excellent, non-triggering website that is devoted to recovery and will delete any post that remotely resembles anything pro-ED.

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders      Nonprofit organization for helping ED victims and their families. Offers a lot of relevant information and also other links.

Remuda Ranch     Remuda Ranch is a residential treatment facility for ED clients. It is completely voluntary. It has a very unique program, but it is Christian based. They will try and find financial support for you, and they work closely with the families.

lori henry's story     Lori Henry emailed me and asked me to include a link to her site. She has struggled with bulimia--and she has won the battle. This is a pro-RECOVERY site, so do not go there and expect to find any tips. For some reason, this is not linking into her site. The address is http://www.lorihenry.freehomepage.com and when I type that in my address bar, it does in fact work. (go figure)

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