Wasting away.
S l o w l y.
I hide in what's left.
I hide in my shadows.
Shadows I created
to entrap my pain.
To contain my shame.
If you see,
you will hate.
You will fear me.
For I am unknown.
I choose to leave.
Only a shadow remains.
A hard, brittle shadow,
hiding my sins.
copyright 2002 by theOthers
this woman cannot possibly be happy
at least, not if she is honest
I used to think that if I just reached the perfect weight, I would be happy. But you know what? When I was at my lowest weight with an NG tube up my nose, I was at my most miserable mindset. It wasn't neccessarily depression, but rather it was self-hatred, self-deprecation, and a gigantic sense of failure. The thing is is that I wasn't failing anyone by not reaching the perfect weight. When you lose enough body weight, your brain stops getting the nutrients it needs to function properly. You lose cognitive ability, you lose your ability to reason. I had to find this out the hard way, which perhaps I will someday post here. I created my own shadows to live in. Here is what is most important though: to get out of the shadows, you will need help God forbid someone who seeks perfection accept help, but if you truly want to heal, then you will need to reach out. Before it is too late. Because there will come a time when it will be too late. And if you happen to check out some diaries at Free Open Diary under the Eating Disorder circle, you will find some of the most depressed, angry girls out there. Please don't tell me that being thin creates happiness.