Wow, it has seemed like forever since I have updated this section of my site. So much has happened in my life this month, a lot of changes have come about.
I got a new apartment, so I am back to living on my own, which I am enjoying right now. My cat is back from my parents house, which is a big thing for me. He means so much. He literally has kept me alive at times, when I realize that if I were to kill myself, no one would be able to feed him the next day. But I am living in a new town. Still in the same general area, but in a new town nonetheless, which means new streets, new grocery stores, new pharmacies and all of that wonderful stuff that comes along with moving.
Change is hard for me. It always has been. So I was wondering how this month was going to go. Whether or not I would fall back on old patterns. I have not. I have not hurt myself since I have been here. To last a month in a new unfamiliar place for me without SI is new for me. *cheers* And I have not restricted at all. In fact, having a full size kitchen has inspired me to actually start doing some real cooking. *shock* This is also new to me, as I have never liked to cook. But I am trying to experiment and eat healthy.
I realized in the middle of this month as I was looking through a book of mine called Journal to the Soul that I have maintained a healthy weight for six months. I had written in the 100 dreams section to maintain a healthy weight for 3, 6, 9 and 12 months. I had made three months two or three times, but always relapsed, or got physically ill. I had forgotten about my goal. I haven�t been monitoring my weight. I am not seeing a dietician anymore, and I don�t make an effort to eat. It is all just coming naturally. I never thought this would happen.
And then came yesterday. I went shopping with my mom, to buy some clothes to go interviewing in. I have never had to interview in real professional clothing because of my chosen career. Well, I haven�t bought pants in a long time. So I grabbed the size I always wear at JC Penny�s. Didn�t fit. Mom went and grabbed the next size. It buttoned, but they looked like they were spray painted over my but. She went and got the next size, and that one fit comfortably. I bit my tongue. I bit my mind�s tongue, if you can call it that. I did not let myself go down the "oh you are so fat" road, and "you take up so much space!" I wouldn�t accept that. Because if I hadn�t looked at the numbers, I would have felt perfectly fine. It�s all a psychological mindtrap. I used to care more about the number of the size of the jeans than how they felt. Forget about letting myself feel comfortable in clothes, I just needed to say to myself, "I fit in such and such a size today at the mall."
And no matter how small it was, it was never small enough. That is what I do not understand about this illness. How something with such physical symptoms steal any and all logical thoughts that you may have. EDs take away your self-confidence, correct self-perception, self-respect and self-love, among many other self-words. Why is it that so many people fall victim to this? This includes those not technically/clinically EDered as far as the DSM IV goes. I was taught at age four not to respect myself, or love myself. I was taught that I was worth nothing. And I believed it.
And yes, sometimes I still do. I will admit to those feelings. The inadequacy/not good enough feelings came back with a vengeance this past week for some situational reasons. But I didn�t feel the need to restrict. I am not sure when I made this transition. I know that last year at this time I would not have gone out to dinner with my friend like I did tonight. I would not have eaten dinner at all. I guess there wasn�t a specific date that I suddenly changed my thought processes, but it�s just a general question I ask myself. I did fight the urge to SI this week. Again, that is a behavior I learned much earlier than the restricting. And it was a hard battle last Monday. It was so nice to hear my therapist say today that she was proud of me for how I handled it. I took a marker and wrote on myself all the negative thoughts I had. And then I went to bed. The next day the markers washed off.
scars don�t