I was thinking the other day and I realized that I hadn't worked on this site in a very long time and hadn't updated my ongoing story at all since before my friend's wedding back in October. The beginning of October.

So here I am. Please, have a celebration on my account.

Let's get one thing clear: I hate winter with a passion. I hate cold. I hate the short days, although technically the days are getting (slowly) longer now. I don't feel it. Winter is a very hard time of year for me, hence not updating my site in a long time. I get depressed, more so than I was, and then I get motionless for the most part. Sleep becomes my best friend, and I am being totally honest when I say that I could sleep 23 out of 24 hours a day.

SO: Let's back up a bit, shall we?

November, 2002: Um, so I remember what went on this month? Not really at this point. It was an "okay" month as far as winter months go. In October I got a job teaching yoga at a fitness studio in our area. I am loving it. I have increased to three classes a week, and for the most part, am working with beginners. The students are wonderful and give me such positive feedback about my teaching style and ability to work with them. This is slowly allowing me to get back on my feet job wise after not working since last January.

December, 2002: Definitely better than the last couple have been in some respects. Christmas 1999: hospitalized for the ED over the holidays. Wonderful way to spend your Christmas break of your senior year in college. (*ahem* please note sarcasm. Heavy sarcasm.) Christmas 2000: Still very much so anorexic and would have that heart attack scare five days later. I did not eat Christmas dinner. Christmas 2001: I was actually *gasp* healthy ED wise. However, I was experiencing these fiece headaches that had landed me in the ER for dehydration and CT scans and MRI's and stuff. I was on narcotics and very tired, and very depressed. In January of last year, I would be hospitalized for depression. That was my most recent hospitalization!!!! I am within a couple days of making it a year since my admission date from that trip. Then three weeks until my discharge date. One full year hospital free. It is a wonderful wonderful feeling.

That being said, December still had it's setbacks, mainly being the fact that I was still depressed as h@ll because of the season. Unfortunately, I did have a relapse regarding cutting.

January, 2003: At least we are up to date with the month now. I am "working on the floor" at the fitness studio and teaching three classes a week. I am still loving the teaching part. However, I am struggling with the regular work part. I am trying to figure out if I am supposed to be learning humility or if my boss b!tching me out every other day for very small stuff is over the top. I know that because of the abuse and subsequent family experience, I have a hard time with male authority figures. So I haven't reacted and yelled back at my boss. I just smile and nod and "take it." It's hard to tell if it is a normal thing to experience becuase to be quite honest, my previous jobs were great as far as supervisors went. So my last job blew chuncks in the end regarding coworkers. The supervisors were wonderful about everything.

I almost forgot to mention anything about the ED. Sort of slipped my mind. It's a nice thing to have slip my mind. It's not something I generally think about anymore, unless someone asks me (like yesterday) what my medic alert tag is for. (I have a hard time lying.) I am still recoverED. I honestly, for the first time ever, have semi-good thoughts about my physical body. Before, in the early stages of recovery, I was indifferent. Yeah, so there are moments when I see my reflection and think, "That body part could be slimmer," but doesn't everyone have those moments? The important thing is that I don't act on those thoughts anymore. I have thrown out the clothes that no longer fit. Regardless of my reflection, I eat. I don't follow a meal plan, I follow my stomach and what it tells me it wants. Within that, I try to make healthy choices, but I don't limit myself to all fat free, cholesterol free, sugar free...foods anymore. That was too boring. As far as weight goes, it is actually the highest it's been since I started college seven and a half years ago. Back when I was healthy physically.

I think I am up to date now. There are some things I have thought about adding here. Most especially, graphics. But, getting on this site and doing this much is a start.