August 10, 2002   I guess this is sort of going to be my online recovery journal, or something of the sort. I also keep an online diary at Free Open Diary but that is about everything that goes on in my life, and this is a bit more specific.

I was warned that recovery was going to be hell. And it is. I am hoping for the day when it isn't, but that hasn't come yet, and realistically, it has only been a short time since I have considered myself recoverED.

So, I said in the beginning of the anorexia section that I was not going to give weights, sizes, calories or anything like that. I do not want this to be a competitive/comparison site. But I am going to break that rule. Before I was anorexic, I was a size 34B. I was that size for all of my high school years. I never got smaller, I never got larger. It just is my size. Then I went full fledged anorexic. When you lose weight, you lose your chest, which I actually rather liked. But through the recovering and the relapsing and the recovering and the relapsing and so on, and now the final recovery stage, I went from nothing to the 32A, then the 32B, and I have just recently reluctantly admitted that I do indeed need to go back to the 34B.

"good" and "healthy" are words people tell me. Yet we all know what those two words translate into: "fat." I have found myself doing the reality checking thinking these past few days. "No, you are NOT going to go on getting bigger and bigger and bigger. You were stable in HS, and maintain a healthy diet and a healthy lifestyle, nothing is going to change." UGH I hate battling that monster in my head!!!!!

But I did it. Yesterday, I went out to Walmart and bought myself four new bras. And yes, they fit better. But I am still scared. Scared of being noticed. Scared of being seen. Because I know that it isn't only my chest size that went up, it was all of me. I am healthy now. Realistically, I am a small, petite person, and I always have been. But there is still that fear of being noticed. That fear was what drove me to the anorexia in the first place--if I could disappear, then no one could see me, and no one could touch me, and then I would be safe. Yes, that is irrational, I do admit that. But that was my belief at the time. And it still creeps in there everyonce in awhile.

Oddly enough, my T (therapist) called me while I was at walmart. She understood immediately what was running through my mind. It was nice to not have to explain it to anyone.

I am hoping that some of you out there will understand as well. Please know that you are not alone in this. If you need further prove go to Something Fishy and you will find a network of people like you. And they will support you in your road to recovery. They will NOT tolerate anything pro-ED, however, so if that is your intent, do not waste your time by going there.

signing off for now.

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