Anorexia sucks ass. That is all I am going to write for today. July 22, 2002
Well, it is July 29, 2002 now, and I really don't have much more to say to the previous sentence. I will expand on it, however, to shed some light on why I am feeling this way.
"God, you're not going to eat that are you?"
"Of COURSE I am. Why wouldn't I?"
"Well, uh, DUH! All it is is useless carbs and it isn't going to get used by anything since all you do is sit on your ass all day in that dumb ass partial program of yours."
"That dumb-ass partial program is helping me get out of the stinking depression."
"If you followed ME I could get you out of that depression a whole lot quicker, and you wouldn't have to listen to anyone else bitch about their problems."
This has been the conversation that has been raging in my head for the past month. Every single time I sit down to eat anything, and I mean anything this voice comes out of nowhere and tries hard as hell to put the fork down and walk away from the food. Sort of like those action movies, "Put the gun down, and no one will get hurt!" Except that if I put the fork down, someone will get hurt, and that person is me. And in my rational moments, I know that, and I can make myself pick up that fork and eat whatever it was that I fixed for that particular meal.
I know what "triggered" this thinking again. I am currently "homeless," living in a shelter, because the person I was living with before basically ed up a lot of things and I could not deal with the emotional instability of the house. It wouldn't have been safe for me there. But being at the shelter brings up a whole lot of PTSD issues and has my anxiety racing at an all time high level, and I have never ever handled change well. Change is always when the voices of the anorexia kick in. AND I WANT IT TO STOP!!!!
I have had enough of this ing illness. Six years of it ruling my every day was enough. I don't want it to revisit me whenever things in my life change. It just doesn't seem fair, does it? No, not really. But life, was never fair for me to begin with, so why should it start now.
What I have to do is cope. I have to fight the monster in my head that wants to turn me into one of those shrinking little skeleton things with this huge head that looks so totally wrong. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK THAT WAY!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE A LOLLIPOP !!!
Does this sound like fun to any of you? Have you read what I have gone through up until this point? I am not sure how anyone, knowing what lies ahead, would go down this road. s, and women out there, while obesity is not healthy in a physical sense, your size does not determine your self-worth or identity. There are so many things that make me me, and none of them are my size. Some people will give me for saying this because I am at a healthy weight. But when I was thinnest, I D myself. I have grown to like myself, as a PERSON, not as a BODY, as I have gained weight and then learned to see myself for who I really am.
I am not saying that it is easy. As you can see from the above conversation in my head, every meal time right now is a pain in the ass....or stomach to be more literal.
If any of you are caught up in this, please seek help. I am trying to update my list of links as I go, but while I am living in a shelter, it gets pretty difficult. I am not perfect.