Friendship levels

When God created humans, He said that it was not good for the human to be alone, and that he needed a helper (cf Genesis 2:18). And so God created for Adam a friend, who also became his spouse. Ultimately we are all designed to be someone's spouse (even Jesus is described as the bridegroom, and we who are born again are collectively and individually his 'bride'), and yet we live much of our lives in the unmarried state, so first and foremost we need friends to conquer our aloneness (note that God Himself admitted that He Himself was not enough for Adam).

Note also the definition of friend here: a helper. That is, if I may paraphrase, 'a walking together in fulfilling a certain task or goal', over against purely a focus on each other. Friendship begins with a common destination in view.

However many people fail to achieve meaningful friendships, even though they are surrounded with people! The greatest cause of this is our sinfulness, our selfishness, which desires to have no common destination in view. As one person has put it: "sin is anything that lowers the relational harmony in the universe". That's why it is so important for a person to be born again, have their sins dealt with, and have their minds renewed so that they can be free again to explore wholesome relationships with people through the taking of their eyes off themselves (see Alpha, Beta).

But there will always be sin in the world until Christ comes back, because we are still living in fleshly bodies which always desire to tempt us away to selfish ends (cf Galatians 5:17; James 1:14,15), and thus cause rifts and barriers in relationships. Therefore the greatest first quality any person needs to have a handle on is that of forgiveness.

Forgiveness
Jesus taught us to pray: "Our Father in heaven ... forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us .." and even went so far as to additionally comment "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, you Father will not forgive your sins." (cf Matthew 6:9-15). He also to taught us to make right with others as soon as it comes to your attention - whether it was you or they at fault (cf Matthew 5:23,24; 18:15).

I don't think the gravity or the freeing power of this concept need be emphasized any more. But allow me to impart some tips on how to forgive from the heart [from the work of Neil Anderson, The Bondage Breaker, and Bruce and Petranella Litchfield, Christian Counselling]:

First, we must admit the hurt and hatred we feel, instead of burying them deep inside. If forgiveness doesn't include your emotions, it will be incomplete.

Second, don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving. You will never get there. Feelings take time to heal; this will happen after the choice to forgive is made.

Third, you can know when forgiveness is from the heart when you:

• expect nothing in return
  
• do not insist on them changing
  
• act our forgiveness
  
• bless them, and pray for their prosperity
  
• release the person from saying "I'm sorry"
  
• overcome evil with good
  

(Adapted from Basic Life Principles Seminar notes)



Note that from the above table it becomes obvious that Close and Intimate friendships cannot be sustained in the long run with people who have not yet accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour, because they will not ultimately have the same vision, mission, and values that you have as part of the Kingdom of God. Thus we are able to come up with some basic commitments we should make when it comes to establishing friendships:

1. Purpose that those who reject Jesus Christ must also reject you (for close or intimate friendships), and those who love Jesus Christ should also love you.

2. Purpose to verbally explain your relationship to Jesus Christ whenever you are asked to compromise your standards.

3. Purpose to let God choose your friends; remember, God knows both your needs and the needs of others intimately, and is able to bring you together with others at the right times.

And when it comes to the choosing of friends, we must be very careful to not reject those whom God really may be wanting us to meet! Consider the twelve disciples of Jesus. Whilst the first four were all fishermen, probably having many things in common and able to relate to each other freely, pretty soon thereafter Jesus called Matthew the tax-collector to join them. Now Jew working as tax-collectors for the Romans were considered scum-sucking pigs, and yet Jesus wanted to redeem this man as well. Jesus challenged his fishermen followers to look beyond surface level issues and get to the heart of a person. Matthew became an outcast from his own fellow countrymen - of course, it seems, by his own choice (but you never know - it may have been a desperate financial situation that drove him to this job in the first place) - and Jesus was wanting to restore him to fellowship, to restore him to becoming an insider again. Don't be surprised if the people whom Jesus actually wants you to start to get to know are those who are the oppressed, outcast, and ones on the sidelines in society. In fact, I suggest that the Spirit of God within you will actually draw you to them in compassion, for He is the Spirit of justice and righteousness toward the poor and oppressed.

This being said, a final word can be said about the quantity of friends we should have. Perhaps the best thing to do is just ponder life of Jesus. He had many hangers-on, twelve close ministry friends, three of whom were intimate, and he also had three 'non-ministry' close friends in Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. A dispersed model like this also seems to be a viable healthy option for us to pray for today.