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The above is not meant to limit relationships but to help ensure a total wonderful marriage in every respect. If the above order is violated, especially if the physical is entered into before marriage, one can expect the following conflicts:
an inability to share one's faith after marriage to the same degree that would otherwise have been possible
a struggle to keep the original emotional feelings intact as the "romance" wears off, and the real personality of the other remains unknown
a breakdown in communication and the feeling that the other is a stranger; self condemnation and roots of bitterness develop; a coldness develops as memories are reviewed; feelings of guilt bring frustration.
(These points are from the Basic Life Principles Seminar)
When it comes to the physical aspect, it is wise to remember the following: Sexy does not equal Beauty; Lust does not equal Love. In a world in which sex sells, this point can be very difficult to grasp or even want to believe. Jesus does not want us to be sexy. What we consider sexy is a perversion of physical beauty. Can you picture Jesus behaving in a 'sexy' fashion and wanting His wife to be "sexy"? What Jesus wants is beauty, a beauty which comes from the character of a person and thus gives them, their body and whole persona, a radiance which will never end. The essence of beauty is a gentle and quiet spirit (cf 1 Peter 3:4), which all men and women are to have (cf Ephesians 4:2). Beyond that, physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and cannot be denied! But it also cannot be the eternal focus, because beauty passes with age. It can be appreciated for a season, but over time the 'character beauty' mentioned earlier is what remains and continues to shine.
A great test as to whether you are actually walking in love or lust in a given situation is your ability to talk and relate freely with children at that time. If you are still able to relate with children openly, honestly, and purely, it is a good sign that you have not been walking in lust.
And in a world which seems to be so focused on sex, we do well to outline some truths concerning it:
a) Sex is not a product of the evolutionary process (the 'official line' in our world).
b) Sex is a creation of God.
c) Sex is God's artwork.
d) Sex is a physical application of the spiritual reality of God's intimacy within Himself as Trinity.
e) Sex is holy.
f) Sex is not ordinary.
g) Sex is powerful.
h) Sex has laws (not rules - laws describe the fabric of reality; when we break a law there is always a consequence).
i) Sex provides an opportunity for one human personality to impress itself on another human personality and leave an indelible mark on the soul and spirit.
j) Sexual immorality is unique. The abuse of sex is not ordinary.
k) Sexual immorality is not just about forgiveness. Since sex is powerful sexual immorality requires healing.
l) Sex was created as a bonding experience and it works. To try avoiding the bonding and just having the physical experience sears the ability to ever experience intimacy.
m) FLEE sexual immorality.
(Adapted from 'Search for Intimacy' by Allan Meyer)
A few words at this stage are also fitting regarding masturbation.
First of all, the Bible doesn't mention anything specifically about masturbation. In fact, it is silent on the issue.
Second, if a person is 'burning with passion', the directive is always to get married (cf 1 Corinthians 7:9) and let your sexual energy be expended with your partner. There is no hint of allowing personal sexual expression on your own.
Third, the fruit of walking in the Spirit is self-control. The Bible says that a person who has his/her mind set on things of the Spirit will not fulfill the desires of the body in an immoral way, and that those who practice immorality will not inherit the Kingdom of God (cf Galatians 5:16-25).
So the question is, is fulfilling your desire for sex via masturbation immoral?
To answer this, let us use another case in life for which we do find precedent in the Bible: the case of alcohol and drunkenness.
Drunkenness is clearly denounced in Scripture (Galatians 5:21; Ephesians 5:18), yet the drinking of alcohol to forget the misery you may be in is included in the Old Testament (Proverbs 31:6,7), but the craving of beer and wine by kings is frowned upon, lest they forget to rule well (Proverbs 31:4,5).
From this we may say that whilst drunkenness is wrong in and of itself, it can actually be the lesser of two evils, helping to avert sorrow. But the solution is not to continue offering alcohol but to begin to address the underlying issue so that alcohol is no longer needed to address the sorrows. The facts are that since we in the New Testament era have the Holy Spirit, our comforter and counselor, we no longer need alcohol to be that comforter. We need to be renewed in our minds as to the truth, and the rest of Christian community is also to come along and help bear the burden, also interceding and practically working to address the situation the person is in. This, of course, may take time, and reverting to having an excessive drink in the process is certainly not unforgivable. They need to be encouraged to keep on going and growing in the Holy Spirit, and realizing that they are now 'kings', seated with Christ at His right hand, and have great responsibility!! As Jesus said, the truth will set you free.
Having said this, I believe we can consider masturbation in the same light. Self-sexual expression is wrong, because the expression of our sexuality is supposed to be a 'community building exercise'. Yet its expression as a sign of relational immaturity, hurt, unwholeness, or deep longing to be in community and to be known intimately and to be totally accepted, is understandable by God, whilst still offensive in His sight. This person needs to grow in their understanding of who they are in Christ, and the rest of the Christian community needs to come along side and be supportive. Note well that the depersonalisation of sex - as expressed in masturbation, voyeurism, the perusing of pornography - which thereby turns people into objects, whilst being totally offensive to God, is often a symptom of people being unable to be personal (often through having experienced much hurt and rejection in life) and yet still deeply wanting to relate to people, and so the only way they can do that is 'at a distance', thus objectifying people in the process. People caught in this trap really need the loving acceptance of another person as part of the process of them being set free. As noted in Alpha, 'here is no conversion without there first being incarnation'.
Further guidelines on the dating process
The first thing we need to remember is the truth that all people are made in the image of God and therefore are incredibly precious and valuable. A man is a person created in the image of God - not just a FACE and a PHYSIQUE. A woman is a person created in the image of God - not just a FACE and a FIGURE. This principle alone would set most relationship problems on the road to healing.
The second thing to remember is that God is a matchmaker - He knows your need for intimacy more than anyone else. How did Adam find Eve? - God brought her to him! Whilst the Scriptures say that we can marry anyone we wish, as long as they are fellow believers (cf 1 Corinthians 7:39), our 'search' is best combined with prayer, always being open to accept and follow God's will, for He knows what is best for us. (See 'How do I know?' later).
Thirdly, we do well to recover the concept of courtship over against today's defective practices in 'dating'. Today, 'dating' is often perceived as providing a partner to experiment with, reducing the search for intimacy to the level of an emotional toy. The motivation is too often lust. Courtship, on the other hand, should be seen as a careful reaching out to explore the possibility of marriage, during which the integrity and welfare of each precious life is guarded, each honourably growing in understanding of the other, laying the foundation of a life commitment. A good tip to remember is that in all we do with another person, if we end up being married to someone else, could we still look that original person in the eye and have peace?
Fourthly, as an aid to behaving honourably, let us have the spirit of a virgin - "I am separated to God's purposes. I am not on the market". Compare this with the attitude of a harlot - "I'm available, on the make, on the market". Modern behaviour trains people to abandon the concept of virginity and live as if they were harlots, moving from one romantic experiment to another. If a young man takes a young woman whom God never intended to be his wife, makes her his girlfriend, holds her hand, kisses her and deliberately acts to rouse her sexual passions, he is making a harlot of somebody else's future wife. He is taking the place of his brother in a manner that God has reserved for her husband alone. Even if they never actually fornicate, the attitude of "harlotry" is so destructive. He is defrauding both his own future wife and the future husband of the woman he is practicing his romantic techniques on.
Fifthly, have a mindset which understands that the will of God unfolds in your life, like the unrolling of a scroll as contrasted to the opening of a book. What we are called to do is be faithful and offer up ourselves to God as living sacrifices, and then we will be able to see and approve God's will (cf Romans 12:2). The will of God unfolds a little like the weaving of a tapestry. You have to work your way into the tapestry, with each moment of obedience and faith working like the passing back and forth of a shuttle. You have to work your way into the centre of the tapestry before the motif can be worked into the fabric!
How do I know?
The question then is: How do I know that this person is God's choice for me? Consider the following 'proofs':
a) The proof of the heart. God's plan for your life is a delight not a dirge. If you aren't thrilled with them, don't inflict your miserable self on them. "What if God wants me to marry someone I don't like?" - this is the response of the person who sees God's will as something imposed on a person's life rather than something which unfolds in a person's life.
b) The proof of the Spirit. As you honestly look heavenward your belly feels as if the spring is bubbling rather than a ship sinking. This twofold witness of heart and spirit has Scriptural precedent (cf Acts 15:28).
c) The proof of mathematics. We need to be 'equally yoked' (cf Deuteronomy 22:10; 1 Corinthians 9:9,10; 2 Corinthians 6:14). God will never, never, never plan for people to marry into an unequal yoking. A Christian must marry another Christian. But beyond that, there are other areas of life to be considered: Calling, Career, Potential for Unity, View of Family Life, Intelligence, Social Bearing, Emotions, Finances, Recreation, Friendships and Family Ties, Bearing and Raising of Children, Living Space, Sex. Compatibility is such an issue for a life-long marriage, and 3 out of 10 engagements will not proceed to marriage where good pre-marriage counseling takes place.
d) The proof of parents/pastoral leadership. If those who know us closely and well have serious doubts about your relationship, then consider these as significant warning bells. They love us and care for us, and only want the best for us. Each one of us needs to be under authority. So don't try and grow a romance like a mushroom - overnight and in the dark.
e) The proof of discipleship. What is happening to your relationship with Jesus as you begin to draw closer to each other? If you pursue a relationship that Jesus is not in the middle of, the signs will begin to show in a degeneration of your discipleship. If Jesus is the architect of the attraction, the more you grow together the more you want to love and serve God and be available for Him.
When all your proofs are saying the same thing, move on and prepare for your wedding day!
(The above material 'Further Guidelines on Dating' and 'How do I know?' is adapted from 'Search for Intimacy' by Allan Meyer)
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