Often in this column, I have talked about my fondness of reality television. There is no better guilty pleasure than watching the Bachelor tell a girl how much he cares about her to get her into bed moments before refusing to give her a rose! Or watching cast after cast of The Real World top each other's record for one-night stands (if you name your daughters Buffy and TRASHelle, what do you really expect). Seriously, if my girlfriend, sister, or daughter ever ends up on The Real World, I think I'd have to permanently leave the country. Now, MTV is taking the genre to the next level with the first reality movie, The Real Cancun. With no end in sight to this reality craze, I figure that it is about time for me to cash in. So producers, pay attention. Here are my four ideas that are sure to hit big with the American public:
Suburban Gangstas - There are few things in life more annoying than poseurs who pretend to be something that they are not. One group that seems to be growing every year is suburban white kids who dress and speak as if they grew up in the hood instead of on the cul-du-sac. So let's give them a taste of what they are after...an all-expense paid trip to Watts. To make sure that we have enough applicants to choose from, we will run a fictitious contest called "Keepin' it Real wit ODB (aka Big Baby Jesus). The contest will require contestants to submit a video of themselves "keepin' it real" with the winner receiving a chance to be in ODB's next music video. Once we have selected our eighteen contestants, they will be be divided into groups of nine with
4-22-03 - Theme Column
4-20-03 - NBA Preview/Review
4-15-03 - One Saturday Night
4-10-03 - Thinking Can Be Dangerous
4-9-03 - The Next One
4-8-03 - The Break-Up Column
4-7-03 - Hari's Column
4-5-03 - Me Thoughts
4-1-03 - Vegas Recap
ARCHIVES
1) "Not Dead Yet" - The Bad Examples
2) "Meet Me in the Bathroom" - The Strokes
3) "Mr. E's Beautiful Blues"- The Eels
4) "Butterfly" - Weezer
5) "We've Been Had" - The Walkmen
6) "Touch You, Touch You" - Hot Hot Heat
7) "If It Were Up To Me" - Rooney
8) "Just For You" - Solomon Burke
9) "Just Like California" - Old 97's
10) "Its True That We Love..."-The White Stripes
How the Other Half Lives - The average American loves nothing better than to see the rich and powerful brought down a peg or two...how else do you explain the popularity of The Surreal World and Celebrity Boxing. This is what this show is all about. Producers will select one extremely wealthy family and relocate them to the ghetto, with only food stamps and a $164 a month welfare check to live on. Multi-millionaires will trade in their Bruno Magli's for Payless Selects, their Lexus for a Cutlass hooptie, their Beverly Hills mansion for public housing. The kids will go from the dorms of the prep school to the hallways of the public school. Why would any family subject themselves to this, you may ask? Two reason: the fame and the challenge. We will do anything for our piece of the spotlight...that's the American way! The rich aren't immune to that craving. Also, people will subject themselves to amazing things just for the challenge...how else do you explain mountain climbers or triathletes?
Real Sports - Yes, I'm aware that there is already an HBO show of the same title. But mine will be better. We all love sports movies, but I always leave the theatre with one question..."Can these guys really play?" On this show, we'll find out. Taking from where MTV's critically-acclaimed Rock -n-Jock series left off, Real Sports will provide a twist. Instead of just grouping random celebrities onto teams, we will have teams from celebrity movies compete. For example, wouldn't you love to see Jamie Foxx and LL Cool J lead the Any Given Sunday crew against Keanu Reeves and The Replacements. Or James Van Der Beek quarterback his Varsity Blues boys against Scott Bakula and the lads from Necessary Roughness? Kathy Ireland really trying to kick extra points...who wouldn't watch that? And that's just football! What about a pitching duel between Nuke Laloosh (Tim Robbins) and Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn (Charlie Sheen). Or a low talent basketball round robin between Michael J. Fox's Teen Wolf squad, Leonardo DiCaprio's Basketball Diaries junkies, Edward Norton's American History X skinhead's, and the Mekhi Pfeifer's murderous 'O' team. How good would that be? The Unintentional Comedy Level would be off ot the charts.
The Women - Is there anything funnier than a man in a dress? How about multiple men in dresses trying to see who can the most phone numbers from guys? Whichever guy gets the most phone numbers by honestly convincing others that he's a woman, wins 50,000. I know I'd tune in. If you think this idea wouldn't attract viewers, just picture Rob, Blake, Jeff, Kevin, and I competing on an episode. See? Sometimes, the simple ideas are the best ones.