4-8-03 - The Break-Up Column
4-7-03 - Hari's Column
4-5-03 - Me Thoughts
4-1-03 - Vegas Recap
1-16-03 - Some Questions
1-15-03 - 2002 Movie Review
1-14-03 - Thoughts for a New Year
ARCHIVES
This is more or less part 2 of my previous column...but this time, we are dealing with a much more engaging topic. The next girl. Who is she going to be? Well, there are approximately 1.3 billion girls out there, so it shouldn't be too hard, right. But I'm fairly realistic about this...I don't think I have a chance with all 1.3 billion. And I'm fairly picky, so not all 1.3 billion have a chance with me. Let's break this down, and look closely at the qualifications needed to date me (Ed. note: This is for serious dating only, all rules other than numbers 1 and 7 are flexible for hook-ups).
1) Gotta be a girl - Despite what Simos's mom believes, I'm arrow straight.
2) Have to live in the Houston area - I'm not about to do the long distance thing, especially to start a relationship. San Antonio and Austin are even too far...sometimes you need loving on a Tuesday.
3) Have to be between the ages of 21 and 24 - Dating someone who can't go out drinking with me doesn't seem too feasible, and I'm a little too immature to consider dating someone too much old.
4) Can't be married - I don't want to be a homewrecker.
5) Can't have a boyfriend - That is pretty wrong...I don't respect guys who do that, Jeff.
6) Can't be socially conservative - If you are, I would judge you,
1) "Flowers in the Window" - Travis
2) "Llama School" - Sifl & Olly
3) "Glendora"- Rilo Kiley
4) "Turn the Page" - The Streets
5) "A Time to Be Small" - Interpol
6) "In Da Club" - 50 Cent
7) "Sha Sha" - Ben Kweller
8) "Girl Like You" - Pete Yorn
9) "My United States of Whatever" - Liam Lynch
10) "Seven Nation Army" - The White Stripes
7) Absolutely, positively no one who liked My Big Fat Greek Wedding- I will not negotiate here.
8) Can't be too religious - I have nothing at all against religion, but our views wouldn't mesh well and their would be no long-term future.
9) No kids allowed - Do I look like I can support a family?
10) As Jeremy would say, "No fatties" - Yes, I do have a mirror. And, yes, I know I'm an incredible hypocrite. If it makes me look any better, my definition of fatty is about 6 sizes higher than Jeremy's and 12 sizes more than Chris's or Dave's.
11) Un PC-Comment Alert: Probably have to be white - I swear this isn't as bad as it sounds...I'm just really attracted to white girls.
12) Can't be stupid or narrow-minded - I need a girl who is open to new ideas and whose mind can occasionally be changed...and who can at least try to change mine.
13) Can't be too rich- Where would I honestly meet someone like that? Sad, but the way society is set up, it is pretty true.
14) Must be somewhat accepting of my sports obsession - Otherwise I'd drive her crazy.
14b) Cannot be a New York Yankees or St. Louis Cardinals fan - Totally self-explanatory.
15) Must like kids, animals, movies, music beyond what gets radio play, and even the occasional book.
Ok, so that's not so hard. Please refer all applications to [email protected]. Ok, I promise to stop writing about myself so damn much. Being this obsessive is hard work...I'll go back to poking fun at all of you instead.