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ewa:
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY
TO THE (POLITICAL) FORUM
(The scene opens up backstage at a recent NEW/RWW live event. We see Scott "The Boy" Hellings standing around in his locker room. He has obviously just competed, as he is still in his wrestling gear. He has an ice pack on his neck. He is standing in front of a television set when Nurse Laurier walks in.)
NURSE LAURIER-
"You wanted to see me?"
HELLINGS-
"Yeah, thanks for coming."
NURSE LAURIER-
"What is it? Is your neck acting up?"
HELLINGS-
"No, nothing like that. Well, it is sore, but that's not why I needed to see you. I wanted your opinion on something."
NURSE LAURIER-
"I don't like the sound of this already."
HELLINGS-
"Well you know how I declared that I am running for Prime Minister in the next Canadian federal election?"
NURSE LAURIER-
"Well I was hoping it was just a bad dream, but yes I do remember."
HELLINGS-
"Well I decided that I need to prove to the people that I can handle myself not just in the squared circle, but also in the world of politics. So...I very carefully edited myself into the debate the leaders of the current election
recently participated in."
NURSE LAURIER-
"This is gonna be painful."
HELLINGS-
"Shut up and watch it. I need to know how good it is."
(Nurse Laurier sighs as The Boy pushes the tape into the VCR and presses play. Instantly the screen changes to show a graphic that says "Canada Votes 2006." Then the scene switches to a stage with a large Canadian maple leaf on the middle of the floor. Each of the leaders is standing behind a podium at one end of the stage, while at the other end is a desk where the moderator sits. The debate then begins as it normally would, with the opening spiel from the moderator.)
TRINA MCQUEEN-
"Good evening from Vancouver. I'm Trina McQueen, and welcome to the first English language debate among the major party leaders in this election campaign, and this is your debate. The party leaders were given a list of the themes but not the specific questions. They will see and hear the questions for the very first time tonight. There are time limits on the leaders' answers. One minute for the first round, 30 seconds and then 15 seconds for the follow-ups, and the leaders have promised not to interrupt each other. The party leaders, in fact, know all the rules and they have agreed that I should enforce them. Before we get to the first questions, each leader will have one minute for an opening statement, and the order was determined by a draw. Paul Martin of the Liberal party will go first. Mr. Martin?"
(What follows is a very badly edited version of the Prime Minister's opening comments. It was obviously edited by Scott himself, in order to twist the words of his "opponents.")
PAUL MARTIN-
"Well, thank you very much. Some...one...will...have...to keep us in line. I...have...no...responsibility. That?s why I?m cutting...child-care...and...I?m...taking away people?s rights. I...want to take away those rights. There...is...a...time...to take anything for granted. That...time...is...now. Also...I want to...give...children...handguns. Thank you."
TRINA MCQUEEN-
"Mr. Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Quebecois."
GILLES DUCEPPE-
"Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. I don?t...have the moral authority to govern. I...try...to fool the people. I...will...try...to...buy...votes...with taxpayers? money...and...undemocratic behaviour. Scandal is at the centre of...every...thing...I...do. On January 23rd, it will be up to you to sanction...me. Thank you."
TRINA MCQUEEN-
Mr. Jack Layton of the New Democratic Party.
JACK LAYTON-
"Good evening. The NDP is about...political games and...vote-buying. I passionately want to...see...the misuse of tax dollars. I want to...take steps backwards. It?s very different...but...I think it?s time. We?ve got to...be so unfair. We?ve got to fix...seniors. Let?s adopt young people...because...they?re...so...firm. I...like...your daughter. I feel...your daughter. Your daughter...is...so...firm. Thank you."
TRINA MCQUEEN-
"Mr. Stephen Harper from the Conservative party."
STEPHEN HARPER-
"Tonight I want to spend my time talking to you about...crack. I...like...crack. I don?t think...we...should...cut taxes...crack down on crime...support parents directly with the costs of child care, assist students. We...should...get...me...crack. I...have...my...priorities,...I would ask...what...are...your priorities? My...priorities...are...crack...crack...and...crack. If...the law...wants...me...say...I...have...a clean image. Get...me...crack...and rebuild our armed forces...with...the...workers...and...seniors. But...to...get...me...crack...is...obviously...most...important. That...is...how...I...take real action. Thank you."
(An image of the moderator, Trina McQueen, is then shown on screen. Her lips are moving, but it has obviously been badly dubbed over with The Boy doing a bad impression of McQueen, simply so that he can announce himself.)
TRINA MCQUEEN-(Dubbed)
"Indepedant candidate Scott Hellings."
HELLINGS-
"Thank you. Unlike my opponents I need no introduction. Wherever I go, whatever I do, it is a big, big deal. Heck, I'm The Nielsen's Favourite Son and I'm sure that, because of that, this debate will garner huge ratings simply due to my presence. Where do I stand on the issues? Does it matter, really? Clearly no other candidate deserves your vote. But when it comes to me, we all know by now that I am The Boy and that means I am The Best! So, in reality, these other jokers aren't even in my league. Sure, I may lack (making quotation marks with his fingers) 'political experience,' but that doesn't matter because I succeed at everything I do and this will be no different.
Why vote for me? Because I do whatever it takes to get things done and to get what I want. I won't hide it, nor will I deny it. Unlike my opponents, I'm not trying to pretend I'm something that I'm not. But no matter how I go about things, all my fans and all my political supporters, The Boy Scouts, can tell you that I get results. Let me put it another way: I tell my wrestling opponents all the time that there is no point dwelling on the past or worrying too much about the future. I live for today, I live in the now and THE NOW belongs to The Boy! Well if you vote for me, Canada will once again belong to the people! I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!"
TRINA MCQUEEN-
"Thank you all for your opening statements, and our first question tonight comes from Pat White from Ottawa on the theme of social policy, and we're going to ask Mr. Harper to respond to that first."
(The question is then shown. A woman stands on a street in Ottawa, Ontario with a microphone in her hand.)
WOMAN-
"My name is Pat White in Ottawa, Ontario. My daughter Beth is in law school at Queen's University. She's planning on practising law and raising her family in Canada. Do you think she and her partner Susy should have the same rights as heterosexual couples? If not, how would your party justify discriminating against a Canadian for an aspect of their identity that is comparable to race, sex, or religion, and even consider using the notwithstanding clause?"
STEPHEN HARPER-
"Well, thank you very much. Obviously the issue of marriage, the definition of marriage, is an emotional and contentious issue. I...have...no...answer...on same-sex marriage...because...this is a controversial and difficult issue. I believe...dozens...of...marriages are...not...legal. This is...simply...because...I believe...same-sex marriage...should...not...be...legal. Even...if...I want...real...same-sex...action. If...you...know...what...I...mean."
TRINA MCQUEEN-
"Thank you. Mr. Martin?"
PAUL MARTIN-
"Let me just say one thing...I...know...134...sex...positions. And...I...will...violate...your...children. It is the responsibility of the prime minister."
TRINA MCQUEEN-
"Mr. Layton."
JACK LAYTON-
"Well, Pat, first of all...let's not play anymore...your daughter...is...a...lesbian. There?s one thing you can do...send...her...to...me. I...like...lesbians. They're...so...firm."
TRINA MCQUEEN-
"Mr. Duceppe."
GILLES DUCEPPE-
"We should not revisit this question...because...I...have...no...decision. I think.
We have to understand that...some people don't have the same kind of rights than other people. Those...people...should...be...gays and lesbians. They...are...not...normal. They...are...a...failure...in...our society."
(Once again, an image of the moderator, Trina McQueen, is shown. Like before, she is badly dubbed with the horrendous impression so that The Boy can once again introduce himself.)
TRINA MCQUEEN-(Dubbed)
"Mr. Hellings."
HELLINGS-
"Well, first of all, let me just say that I am shocked by the words of my opponents. I cannot believe they would say such awful things. It is reprehensible and simply not true. They should truly be ashamed. Well now, the issue of same-sex marriage is a difficult one indeed. It's a topic for which there are no easy answers, no matter how hard you look for them. Some say it should be allowed, others counter that it goes against Christian beliefs. Whether that is true or not, I don't know because I've never seen that in the Bible, nor have I looked for it. It seems to me though that the Bible says a lot of things, some of which we have to take with a grain of salt. It is, after all, an ancient text written in an ancient language and something might have been lost in the translation as time marches on. On the other hand, some of it is worthwhile. The Ten Commandments, for example, is perfectly acceptable. 'Thou shalt not kill' are definitely words to live by. But it's all a little stuffy, isn't it? No one wants to be preached at. There is a better way of looking at it. Me, I've always preferred looking towards the Seven Deadly Sins, in terms of what is moral or immoral. Greed is one of the seven sins. Now greed motivates many people, including my political opponents..."
(The camera cuts to show obviously edited-in footage, taken out of context that depicts each candidate looking uneasy. It then cuts back to The Boy, looking intense.)
HELLINGS-
"...as well as my wrestling opponent this week at BloodZone, Nick Kelly. Kelly has not one, but TWO titles to his name. But me, THE Canadian Legend and the one and ONLY UBERstar has ZERO. Hardly fair, is it? But see what all this boils down to, whether you're talking about same-sex marriage or title opportunities, is choices. The beautiful thing about all this is that we can CHOOSE to sin if we want to. If a politician wants to accept a kickback, the only thing to stop him is a guilty a conscience. But he or she can still CHOOSE to do what is wrong. So if homosexuality is a sin - and I have no idea if it is or not - the bottom line is that that the general sentiment is you CHOOSE to live that lifestyle. And you'd better be prepared to face the consequences - if any - when the time comes.
Likewise, the suits in NEW/RWW can CHOOSE to give Nick Kelly title match after title match. They can also CHOOSE to not give me any, and instead pit me against washed-up, bottom-feeders like Mercy week in and week out. They can also CHOOSE to not put Nick Kelly's title on the line, just as they did for my match this week. That's fine, I'll live with it. Because, title match or not, I'm going to defeat Nick Kelly. If there is one thing I do know, it is that there is about to be a changing of the guard. And I don't just mean politically, I also mean in the hierarchy of wrestling. See, Nick Kelly and his partner, Jess Gaytes, are on top of the world right now. But that won't last and I am going to personally see to that. The winds of change are blowing, I can feel it. Nick Kelly is about to feel it too. Along with pain and humiliation as I expose him for the fraud he truly is. The best part? There is nothing he can CHOOSE to do about it because I am The Marquee Player, The Franchise Saviour, and The Number One Money Maker! And I always come out on top, no matter if it's in a political or a wrestling ring."
(The camera cuts to show Prime Minister Paul Martin).
PAUL MARTIN-
"Let me tell you that...was...deep."
(The camera cuts back to The Boy.)
HELLINGS-
"You want to overlook me? That's fine by me Kelly. After all, they say ignorance is bliss...but that's only until reality slaps the taste out of your mouth and makes you come to your senses. See I'm not just going to beat you, I'm also going to send a message to your little friend Jess Gaytes. And I sincerely hope, for his own benefit and well-being, that he will sit up and take notice. But you know what?"
(The Boy rips off his lapel microphone).
HELLINGS-
"Talk is cheap. The time for debating is over. I live by the phrase 'res ipsa loquitur,' which means 'the thing speaks for itself.' And you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm gonna do just that. Actions speak louder than words they say...well my actions are gonna speak so loudly they're gonna send the cops after me for disturbing the peace! I can squabble with you all day and you won't listen to me. Guys like you never do. I should know because you and I aren't so different Nick Kelly. You have a high opinion of yourself and I certainly like to believe that I'm every bit as good as I say I am. Well I guess we're about to find out who is the better man. I may not have a title yet, but I will soon enough. It's inevitable, just like you losing to me. I'm going to head to BloodZone and I'm going to take Nick Kelly out and then I'm coming for Jess Gaytes. That's just the way it is and the way it has to be. And the two of you can CHOOSE to do something about it...but it won't matter. I'm about to open everyone's eyes and reveal that the great Kelly and Gaytes aren't as great as we all thought they were. Why? Because I want to, because I can!"
(The Boy storms off as the "debate" wraps up and the tape comes to an end. The camera cuts back to the locker room with The Boy and Nurse Laurier.)
HELLINGS-
"Well what do you think?"
NURSE LAURIER-
"I think someone should have got you video editing software for Christmas."
HELLINGS-
"Laugh if you want, but I will beat Nick Kelly. Just like I'll beat Jess Gaytes. And just like I'll become Prime Minister."
NURSE LAURIER-
"I'd be careful if I were you."
(The Boy tosses aside the ice pack that he was holding up to his neck earlier).
HELLINGS-
"My neck will be fine."
NURSE LAURIER-
"No, not that. I meant that Kelly and Gaytes have been on quite a roll lately. They may be too much for you to handle."
HELLINGS-
"They can't win for forever; eventually they'll have to lose. I might as well be the one to put an end to it all right now. (The Boy turns to leave, but stops and turns around.) If I were them, I'd be careful. If they're like you and they want to overlook me, that will be the first - and last - big mistake."
(The Boy storms out of the room, leaving Nurse Laurier behind as the scene fades to black.)
  
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