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| RWW | NSW | NEW | EWA | NEWEST | LOST | COMMENTARIES | QUOTES |
lost:
SINGLE WHITE MALE
(The scene opens up inside a small production room. The room is set up to film one of those cheezy dating videos.
A lone camera is set up in front of a plain, blank, white screen. In
front of the screen is a single stool. Suddenly, we see Scott "The Boy" Hellings walk into the shot and sit down on the
stool, so that the upper half of his body is now on screen. He is wearing a black "Canadian Legend" shirt. The Boy
gives a big, phony smile.)
HELLINGS-
"Hi. My name is Scott. I'm a Leo, 22 years old. I'm originally from Canada. I like long walks along the beach, romantic,
candelit dinners and talking about me and how great I am. And believe me ladies, they may call me The Boy, but there is no
doubt that I am The Man! I'm looking for a girl who is more than willing to lie down for me, for at least a count of three."
(The Boy stops and laughs)
HELLINGS-
"Before the rumours start going, don't get ahead of yourself. The Boy does not need to rely on of these pathetic dating
service videos. Trust me, I have to beat the ladies off with a stick night after night, town after town. No, I'm here for
a specific reason. I'm here to get Cassandra Bergeron's attention. It seems to me anytime TWC audiences see Cassandra, she's
involved in something smutty. Oh, I've seen her backstage. I've seen the way she flirts her way through any situation. And
I've heard stories. The kind of stories that I can't repeat here. The kind of stories that usually start with "Dear
Penthouse." Now listen, I wanted to send Cassandra a message, a warning, and I knew that because she's got a one track
mind, this was the only way I could do it. See girls like Cassandra are always on the lookout for a guy they haven't been
with yet. That's her problem. Because you can only ever think about one thing, Cassandra, don't bother showing up this Sunday. There's no need for you to even come to the arena because with that
one-dimensional mind of yours, there is no way you can possibly beat me. I am your intellectual superior. Do you have your
own book out, Cassandra?"
(Holds up a copy of his book for the camera to see.)
HELLINGS-
"No you don't But you can purchase my book right now. Only $19.95, available at all major retailers. Hey, don't feel so bad
though Cassandra because you are not alone. Most people, especially those in TWC, are nowhere near as great as I. While I'm capable of putting together phrases, sentences, heck
whole chapters, Cassandra only understands two letters: T and A. You see I'm not a mindless security guard that you can
manipulate into doing your bidding Cassandra. Without that, you've got nothing. Me? I, literally, wrote the book on
wrestling. I know more holds, moves, and strategies than anyone else! It's not that you don't have skills Cassandra. In fact,
I'm pretty confident that in some circles, you might be considered quite talented. Heck, you won your match last week, didn't
you? Well I'm sorry to tell you, I'm not the pushover those other hacks were. In fact, you don't even match up to 1/27 of my ability! So you can give me those (making
quotation marks with his fingers) 'come hither' looks all night long and it won't make a difference! Oh, it's not that
you aren't attractive. But the fact remains that when I'm in that ring, I'm all about business."
(He pauses for a moment and starts casually flipping through the pages of his book before looking back at the camera)
HELLINGS-
"You see, I came to TWC to teach
all the pathetic losers like yourself how to actually wrestle. I'm here to make TWC a success. Because you can't have a
successful wrestling organization without The Boy. Last week I showed both LT and Jamie Johnson that I was better than
them. And this week I'm gonna take you to school too. You see the only way you're ever gonna learn is by taking your
licks. And I'm not talking about the kind of licking you're normally used to either. I'm talking about getting beat, about
learning that there is always someone better than you out there. Everyone in TWC is going to eventually need to learn that I am every bit
as good as I say am. It's only a matter of time before I've totally dominated this entire place. And you, dear Cassandra, are
just another rung on the ladder to my success. I'm not worried about the likes of you. I know better than to allow your
good looks to get in my way. Heck, I've got a whole chapter devoted to that very subject. Chapter 17: 'Don't Let Your
Emotions Get the Better of You.' It's all there in my new book..."
(Holds up a copy of his book again)
HELLINGS-
"Only $19.95, now available at all major retailers. Aside from your looks you are subpar, at best. And me? I'm the one and
the ONLY UBERstar! Now let me clear the air here before I get a whole wave of hate mail. Because as much as I love to read letters about me, I'm far more accustomed to reading
stories about people wanting to be me, and not hating me. Now, it's not that I think a woman
can't compete. Oh no, I'm not a chauvanist, I'm not that sexist. No, I'm a fervent supporter of equal opportunities. I truly
believe that every person, man or woman, has the right to lose to me in the middle of the ring. Which is exactly what is going to happen if you show up
this Sunday. See, I'm a wrestling encyclopedia
and all you've got is your femininity. Heck, if anything it will be you
who will be completely enamored with me this Sunday, and not the other way around. I can't blame you either. Heck, if I were you, I'd want me to. Just look at this
chiseled physique!"
(The Boy gets up, turns around, a flexes a bit, and strikes a few poses that looks like they belong in a Sears catalogue,
before finally sitting back down.)
HELLINGS-
"Now before I go, there is someone else I need to address. A certain Jon Robinson. Jon, I heard you talking the other day. And you were both exactly right and completely wrong at the same time. You basically said that the
TWC was filled with a bunch of nobodies, a bunch of pathetic losers. And you were exactly right. But then you went ahead and said that you were the best, that you were the top guy in this company. Oh no, no, no, no! Lasso yourself back in there cowboy! Jon, my fellow Canadian, I would have thought that you would have known better.
Surely you know just as well as everyone else here that I am THE Canadian Legend! I guess you were too damn busy listening to the sound of your voice you didn't realize what you were saying. But keeping running that mouth of yours Jon and I might have to teach you a very valuable lesson. That lesson? Never think you're better than The Boy.
Heck, by your own admission, your match last week was pathetic. It was too, I saw the footage. And you seem to think you're some big shot here in TWC? A guy who admits he gives out second-rate performances? Jonny, The Boy is always on top of his game! I always give all my fans, all The Boy Scouts, everything I have in the ring! There is no one better than me.
All these little monkeys we call wrestlers are no match for The Boy. So if you and I happen to cross paths some day, I might just have to shut that big mouth of yours. But you know what? I'm not worried about it. Because you and I will never cross paths. While you'll be stuck in pathetic opening matches each and every night, I'll be the one in the main event spot. The spot I truly belong to be in I might add. I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!
Who knows though? Maybe you'll get real lucky and you'll be the one I decide to take under my wing. The one that I will mentor and make into a huge superstar...though not as big as me, of course. Heck, I can't mentor someone like Cassandra Bergeron, because I really don't want to risk catching whatever sorts of venerial diseases she might have. Regardless though, learn to keep your mouth shut and we'll get on just fine. That's a friendly warning, so take it."
(The Boy gets up to leave, but stops. He sits back down and once again stares at the camera)
HELLINGS-
"And Cassandra? Remember, if you show up this Sunday, you will not be the one moving on to receive the big mystery prize. I have no idea what it is, but it belongs to me. Fame? I've already got that. Fortune? I've got that too, especially with my new best-selling book. A title shot perhaps? Maybe. It doesn't matter really, because I'll get one sooner rather than later anyway. Regardless, if you do decide to show up this Sunday, well that's fine with me. But just don't lose sleep over missing out on the big prize. I guess if you do show up this Sunday you'll end up in a familiar position: flat on your back with a superior man on top of you. Only difference is this won't be another one of your smutty affairs. No, this is business and there is no way you can possibly beat me. Why? Because I am The Boy and that means I am The Best!"
(The Boy gets up and walks off, as the scene fades to black)
  
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