15 years before�
Evil-Rad gazed out of the window of Vault 88 with a gun in his hand. In the wasteland, his brother approached the vault. �Just get it over with � he deserves it. His idea of humour is to talk about himself and then make up shit � he�s a liar, he broke a commandment for God�s sake � wait a second, I just swore and used the God�s name in vain � oh forget it, I�ll just covet something!� The lift doors opened and out stepped Our-Rad. Evil-Rad quickly hid his gun. �Ah! A good days coveting!� exclaimed Our-Rad. �What did you covet today brother?� �I coveted my neighbour�s wife again! What about you? Did you covet yourself AGAIN?� �No.� �Lying bastard!� �You are scum for god�s sake!� �I will steal your coveting goods!� �I will carve graven images of you!� �Really?� �Yes, but first I will kill you!� �You can�t kill me because I am going to kill myself first!� �Never!� Our-Rad then pulled out his gun and pointed it at this head. �Don�t go for your gun brother or I will shoot myself!� �Please no, you�ll ruin everything!� �Ruin what?� �I have to kill you so I can join the BB!� �The Boy�s Brigade?� �No!� �The Bed and Breakfast Club?� �No! What can I do to make you stop?� �You can still kill me, but you�ll have to do something for me first!�
14 years, 23 hours and 55 minutes before�
There was a loud flush from the bathroom. Our-Rad opened the door and Evil-Rad had been sucked away. �Computer, activate Pipe Cam please.� There on the pipe cam, Evil-Rad was blasted away, and would not be seen again by Our-Rad in real-time for another 14 years and 23 hours. Then Our-Rad entered his brother�s room and then pressed on a television. On it, his twin brother was dancing around naked. �My booty is so big, My nose is in the shape of a fig, My heart transplant was thanks to a pig!� Rad was not attracted to his brother as he had said � he was attracted to a woman in the corner. Who was she?
V52 SOAP time
Rad was on the Oil Rig but outside where the tanker would dock. A man came towards them. �I am Romulus. Welcome to the Oil Rig.� �Thanks.� From behind Rad, Cain hit him on the head with an electric prod. Rad fell unconscious.
Inside, Romulus and Cain threw Rad onto a chair. Herb Caen approached. �Put on the psychedelic light head thing!� A psychedelic light head thing was placed on Rad. In a flash, his thoughts from the last hour came up on a monitor. �Show me the seventeenth record, computer!� The memory came up on the screen. It read �Hey wait, he had a dodgy pig heart! I just have to frighten him!� Herb stroked his feminine chin. �Hmm� what was the corresponding action to that thought?� �The corresponding action was dialogue. He said �I had an affair with Zoe!� However, this was actually a lie, but still resulted in his brother�s heart attack and subsequent death.� �Well, he isn�t his brother, but he seems evil enough. Very well, he will be welcomed to the Brotherhood of Brothers. We must take him to see the Oracle.�
Back in Vault 52, Azlar ran down the stairs and came across Evil-Rad�s dead body. Of course, he did not know this was Evil-Rad. �Come on. The Oracle in a dream told me I would revive The One, so you have to come alive!� There was a long painful silence. Then beside Azlar, Evil-Rad who had been killed by his twin brother came alive.
Then Our-Rad regained consciousness on the Oil Rig. �Get up Rad� said a female voice from the corner. Rad got up and turned round. �Zoe!� �Why did you kill my husband?� �He was going to kill me!� �That�s the oldest excuse in the book!� �Not my book! He�s evil!� �WRONG! You were the evil one. He is the One.� �The One?� �He is destined to destroy this Oil Rig.� �What the hell is going on?� �I will tell you, but you might not believe it!� �Go on��
Azlar ran down the stairs with Evil-Rad and when he came to the fiftieth floor, a sound came from the speakers. �This is Phil! Do not come to the room with my chair or I will kill you!� �Huh?� �Shut the hell up and do as I say!� �Why?� �You blinded me!� �Would you shut up about that!� �NO!�
On the Oil Rig, Rad had just been told the truth. �Okay. So my brother needed to kill me to join the Brotherhood of Brothers and hence, get on the oil rig to rescue his wife, you. However he had to pretend to be evil and stupidly ended up being thought to be me. And so there were two Rad�s in Vault 52 that never met each other. That was why Ray and Rat�s interpretation of events made no sense. But why all this strange Matrix crap? Why are you being called the Oracle?� Zoe spoke. �Takroy, the co-creator of the waxdroids, wants revenge against your twin brother for not being allowed to join the Brotherhood because of his only-child status. Your twin brother said he didn�t care about him and that he would join the Brotherhood without him. He needs events to go a certain way so he can kill your twin brother who of course was the co-creator of the waxdroids, in the most painful way possible. So he keeps on bringing him back to life each time he dies and to explain this, has made him think that he is �The One�. Herb and Ernie are in on it and they are basically taking the piss. They need him dead so they can make you join, because you appear to be the actual evil one, what with your constant coveting and all. It doesn�t matter whether or not he came back to life or not � you killed him. And so now, you will become a member of the Brotherhood of Brothers and your twin brother will keep on dying in his quest to rescue me until he dies in the most painful way possible. These events are now set in motion. Only one thing could stop him I think.� �What Zoe?� �Herb and Ernie were once talking outside my cell about someone called the Chosen One. He is on a quest to save his people from an evil organization called the Enclave and he is said to have found parts to make a tanker be able to cross the ocean to their base. If we can just make him think that this is the Oil Rig then we could get him and his friends to blow up this one instead and we could escape and live happily ever after! But we need someone on land to change the location of the Oil Rig. Can you try and send a transmission to your vault?� �I�ll try Zoe. But I�ll need a diversion and in the tradition of the Vault 52 Soap� well��
As Zoe frolicked about naked diverting those perverts Herb and Ernie, Rad ran towards the communication terminal. He pressed the required buttons. �Phil? Are you there?�
In the Vault, Phil had his eyes glued shut and answered the call. �Of course I hear you � you think I�m deaf!� �Phil I need you to do something for me.� �Why should I � you blinded me!� �Leave off you big jessie!� �Huh?� �The translation does not matter! I need you to go to San Francisco and change the location of the oil rig on the Poseidon Oil Tanker, so me and a woman called Zoe may be saved, along with my twin brother and we can foil the evil plan of the Brotherhood of Brothers and evil scientist Takroy!� �Huh?� �Just do it! Change the location to a spot 22 miles directly south of the Enclave Oil Rig!� �Wait � is this Oil Rig, does it specialise in hi-tech stuff? Because I need an eye transplant!� �Okay... this will hurt!� Phil�s eyes suddenly disappeared from his eyes and five seconds later a pair of eyes returned. �AAAHHH!!!� �Right you are sorted.� �You piece of shit!� �Tell the computer to burn off the glue!�
While those two waited, those chaps from Scotty the Great�s had just re-appeared. �Right, Evil-Rad and Slurry have buggered off so we only need two votes to blast down this door. Okay I say YES. Stapes isn�t here at the moment so Gauss could you vote?� �Haha! I will be first this time! You can�t take the piss!� �Well no�� �Sorry, couldn�t hear you?!� laughed Gauss. �NO.� �Haha! The tables have turned!� �Yes, it seems they have.� �Hahahahahaha!� Gauss continued laughing when Stapes came over. �I vote YES� said Stapes. �Hahahahaha!� laughed Gauss unaware. �Right. Let�s blast down the door!� said Scotty. �What?� exclaimed Gauss. �I haven�t voted yet!� �You�re too late!� �That�s so unfair!� �I don�t care!� �Damn you!� �Deal with it!� They blasted down the door with a plasma gun and stepped into Vault 52.
�What have you done?� shouted Phil to Rad over the intercom. �I gave you TCR�s eyes! YOU DID WHAT! What�s happened to TCR?� �He died.� �Oh NO! You sick piece of crap!� �Now I need a favour.� �How do you deserve a favour?� �Because I restored your sight! You have to do as I have said. You must save the day!�
Phil came out onto the stairway. At the same time, Azlar and Evil Rad came to the same spot as Phil. And then the guys from Scotty the Great�s turned up as well. It all made sense to Azlar. However Phil and Scotty couldn�t understand this. �What the hell are you doing HERE Rad?� they asked in unison. �I am the One. I must go to the Oil Rig.� �Rad?� said Phil confusedly. �No. My name is Red� he said. �We always called him Evil-Rad� said Scotty. �Your Rad is Red�s twin, Phil, I�m guessing.� Phil nodded and took a while to respond. �We have to save the world my friends. We must all go to San Francisco.� �What the hell is going on?� asked the confused Azlar. �Azlar my friend� said Phil. �We may never know. But our quest does not require us too.� And they left the vault, and set off to San Francisco.
Back on the Oil Rig, Rad had run away from the communications terminal when he was confronted by Herb and Ernie. �Well done Rad. Your naked Zoe show was the greatest experience of our lives. Did she fill you in at all?� �Yes.� �Good. You have 7 days until you join our Brotherhood.� �NO!�
But that is where we leave him, because in the wasteland, the Chosen One is walking with his friends. There was Cassidy - a crusty old geezer with a bad heart, Vic � a fifty year old repair man, Sadik � a tribal weirdo with a bone through his nose and there was also Myron � a bastard. Oh yes, and Marcus a smelly mutant and a dog called well� Dogmeat. �Sulik, can you consult the spirits for me?� �They don�t want to talk right now.� �Can you tell me about our chances?� �They don�t want to talk right now.� �Is that all you can do? Oh� forget it. I hate you! Now remove your armour. And move further away from me. And be berserk in battle. And stop talking to me!� �Wait, no friend � the Spirits want to talk now. They say we are going to be smashed into and killed by an automobile.� �When?� �Em� in about five seconds.� �Yeah, that�ll be bloody right!� And then they all were fatally wounded and started a quick process of dying.
In the car, Phil shouted �Oh No! It�s all over now!� The Chosen One had fallen. Bugger. Azlar ran over to the Chosen One just before he died. �You must destroy the Oil Rig� the CO managed to say. �Sure, we�ll kill the brotherhood for you.� �The Brotherhood? No!� And then the CO died. Before Vic died he said �This is the worst random encounter ever!� And he was right too. At least you had a choice on the Bridge of Death�
But then Scotty came round to the other side of the caravan and recognised someone. �My goodness. The Chosen One IS Slurry! That�s where he buggered away all the time.� �He told me to destroy the Oil Rig� said Azlar. �And we shall destroy THE Oil Rig. Just not his Oil Rig. Besides, I contacted the Enclave just after I got the call from Rad, and they told me they would rendezvous with me at Vault 52 in three weeks with something called Frank Horrigan armour. They said that I should be able to plug TCR�s brain in and make him a robot� said the unenlightened Phil. �YOU DID WHAT! YOU STUPID SHIT!� said Myron the bastard. Then everyone shot him. Bastard.
And so now, the plot was set up and Takroy sat in Vault 88, the vault Rad and Red had once lived in with illgas as his prisoner. Illgas had learned the plot now and was still confused. �Wait � who did Herb and Ernie kill?� �They killed each other�s clones.� �Oh. Why do you want me here?� �I haven�t a clue. Hmm� this is rather been a waste of your time hasn�t it?� �What? I could have helped them!� �No. A precise series of events have to be followed for Red to experience the most painful death possible. Now you must go to your home in Lithuania. It seems you left a gas cooker on before the war and the costs of leaving on this gas all this time is around 3 billion pounds.� �3 Billion Pounds!� �I will give you the money. Do not worry. Getting back to Vault 52 will be a problem however. Goodbye.� Yet, illgas got NO money and was preparing to get severely beaten up by disgruntled tax men.
TO BE CONTINUED
Vault 52 is copyright in Phillip Luppens.
The Fallout Universe is copyright of Interplay. V52 Soap is set within the universe of their critically acclaimed (but commercially hilarious!) game Fallout 2.
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Altrawave7
�I agree with Altra, everything makes sense, but the fact it makes sense doesn�t. Great work keep it up!�
Azlar
�Great work, as usual.�
PIPBoy2000
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