WaxFlora got out a pocket calculator and started to calculate if Phil should be killed or be turned into wax. The problem was that it wasn�t cost-effective to turn a particularly nice person into a waxdroid, as their blood would not be cleansed of good will if it was the dominant party. �Well let�s see � Karma = 79, well there you go, you�re a fairly nice chap. Lets see, you are idolized in Arroyo (on the scoreboard above, the score changes to 1-0 in favour of killing Phil), vilified in Gecko (1-1) and oh-my! Idolized in Vault City! (scoreboard explodes) Well, well, well. You are a baaaad boy aren�t you! I find that sexy.� Phil looked at the �creature� before him, and couldn�t help but think this was the end. As WaxFlora moved closer, his life flashed before his eyes. It was unbearably short. �Villainous hoar!� he screamed and punched Wax Flora, which as Phil had sadly expected, made her smile. �Yes. Yes you are a very baaaad boy. You rogue!� �I�m leaving now! Whether you like it or not!� Then WaxFlora did something Phil did not expect. �Fine. But we all know you won�t last five minutes without me. I�ll just set the old stopwatch up here, and by the time this ticks down from 5 to 0, you�ll be in my bachelor �single wax woman pad.�
Phil turned and ran. Wax people walked around with the face of Flora and the vault�s lower floors no longer meant anything to him. The walls were covered in ooey, gooey wax, and as he passed the door saying �single wax woman pad� he could only be reminded of the place where he and Altra spent a night in Stockholm, and while looking for their room inadvertently walked in on a policeman called Vergilius, experimenting on one of those Japanese toilets that sprayed water up your ass. �Oooo.� VG had said. The reason he was reminded of this place was because it was WaxVG sitting on the same Japanese toilet seat, and repeating �Oooo. It�s getting cold! Ohoohoo! Turn it down!� Phil didn�t blame VG � he loved those toilets the same, that�s why all Vault suits were waterproof.
Our heroes, Raymondo, TCR, Rat Keeng and illgas, have sadly come to the conclusion that when Ray had mistakenly blown up Vault 89, he also blew up the entire army of the United Vaults coming to save them, and had now elected to play the suicide version of Spin the Bottle. �Right Ray,� said Rat. �Spin it!� Ray was annoyed. �Just because I killed an entire army of nice people, just because I made the computer so angry that it opened up every single Vault door and gave the waxdroids complete access to the remaining safe levels! Just because I..� He was cut off. �Listen mate!� shouted illgas. �You are going to be killed by means of murder, long before suicide!� Ray shut up and span the bottle. Round and round it went. And round. And round. And round. �Em..� began TCR but the others told him to be quiet. Still it went round, unaffected by the possibly frictionless floor. �Bloody hell!� shouted Ray. �I can�t even kill myself right! I�m a loser.� Then unexpectedly, TCR�s mobile began to vibrate, and it�s tones played the tune of �It�s Raining Men!� Suddenly everyone apart from illgas was dancing. �Absolutely soaking wet!� shouted Rat, Ray and TCR in unison. �It�s Raining Men!� �Shouldn�t you answer that?� But they didn�t hear him. �Halleluiah!� ��Mother Nature! She�s a single woman too! She came from the heavens, and she did what she had to do!� illgas grabbed the mobile phone and initiated the phone call, stopping the tune. �Hello?� he asked into the phone. He heard Phil on the other side. �So that each and every woman, could find the perfect guyyy! Yeah dig it sister!� �PHIL! Shut the hell up!� Phil stopped singing and talking. He was obviously very embarrassed. The next time he talked, he did so in a different voice. �Now for my next impression, I will be Lydia.� He cleared his voice. �I hate the V52 Soap! It belongs in hell! I hate it!� �Shut it Phil, I know it�s you!� �Fine. I need pick-up. I�ve got 3 and a half minutes until WaxFlora comes looking for me. You�ve got to get a car, but the garage is being guarded by waxdroids.� �Hmmm�� thought illgas aloud. Then he had an idea. �It�s okay. It�s all sorted out.� �Good. I�ll change the stairs to slopes so you can use your vehicle. Bye.� The others were still dancing. �Right guys, we need to rescue Phil!� The others came to their senses and slowly returned from the abyss of catchy music. �It was horrible!� exclaimed Rat. �I knew it was awful, crap, polluting the sound waves! But I couldn�t help himself!� He saw illgas holding the phone. �Give it to me thief!� Ray and TCR held him back. Illgas took out his gun and fired straight into the screen. Rat stopped struggling, but he along with Ray now had to hold back TCR. �That�s my phone, you idiot!� Something unexpected then happened. The vault door opened. In stepped a fairly pretty woman. �I�m Lydia.� Something else unexpected happened. The bottle stopped spinning. And it stopped spinning directly at Lydia. �I suddenly feel the strong urge to kill myself!� And suddenly she was running out the Vault door and jumping into a strangely convenient, bottomless canyon. Rat, TCR, Ray and illgas burst into applause. �Well done real-Rad! That was brilliance! That�s what you get when you say anything bad about the Soap!�
1 Minute later�.
The four sped along on a golf buggy, with Rat driving, illgas sitting beside him, and TCR and Raymondo in the passenger�s seats. �Right lads, equip yourselves with clubs. Give me the iron� said Rat as he quickly swerved to avoid a dustbin. �Here you go� said Ray as he handed it over. �I prefer something slightly more natural. A wood.� TCR glared at him. �What�s so unnatural about iron?� he asked. Ray looked blankly at him. �Em�shut up! That�s why!� TCR was about to aim a putter at Ray�s head when he spotted something in the distance. �Oh no! A wax blockade!� Up ahead, the waxdroids had formed one huge wall of wax. �I�ve got bad news. We have to go left� said illgas. The others screamed. �Into the waste disposal!� illgas nodded. �You know it has to be done.� Rat nodded and went left into the corridor which smelt worse than that �Down the John� place in Modoc.
I minute later�.
A golf buggy that smelt worse than the �Down the John� place in Modoc, four equally smelly people and a large amount of banana peels exploded out an air vent on the floor Phil was on, and sped down the corridor.
Meanwhile, Wax Flora�s stopwatch ran out of time. �Aargh!� As soon as she screamed, every waxdroid became aware of our heroes presence, apart from VG, who still sat on a Japanese toilet seat saying �Oooo!�
The golf buggy screeched to a halt beside Phil, who quickly jumped onto the roof. �What happened here then?� �You don�t want to know� said illgas, who removed a unopened packet of dry roasted peanuts from his forehead. �Can I have the peanuts?� illgas looked around at his fellow passengers, and as they grinned, realised that they were furious with Phil for not performing maintenance on the Waste Disposal�s flush mechanism. Let�s just say when it flushed all the waste down, it sprayed like a Japanese toilet over the edge. �Sure Phil, knock yourself out.� Phil gobbled in to the contents. �Hmm.. interesting taste. Can�t quite put my finger on it�� Suddenly, Wax Flora was running towards them as fast as 10 Flora�s and accelerating to the speed of 12. �Accelerate Rat!� shouted Ray. �It�s no good!� cried Rat. But then one of them did something incredibly heroic. TCR jumped out with golf clubs in hand and hit Wax Flora on the head.
TCR bashed her again, and hit her with a sand wedge, and her arm flew off. �The fight is mine, worthy adversary.� Wax Flora looked down at her arm. �Tis but a scratch.� TCR couldn�t believe it. �A scratch! Your bloody arm�s off!� �No it isn�t!� �Then what�s that then!� said TCR pointing to the disembodied arm lying before him. �I�ve had worse!� �You liar!� �C�mon you pansy!� shouted Flora, who began to attack with only one arm. She hoisted her golf club in the air and they began to fight. They twirled round, moving their clubs in powerful spirals, until WaxFlora�s other arm flew off. �Victory is mine!� He got down on his knee and began to thank a God he didn�t believe in. Suddenly, Flora kicked him and he tumbled to the floor. �C�mon you pansy!� TCR got to his feet. �You are indeed brave but the fight is mine.� Flora took this as nervousness. �O, had enough, eh?!� TCR shook his head in annoyance. �Look you stupid bastard you�ve got no arms left!� �Tis but a flesh wound� she said and began to kick him again. �Chicken!� she cried. �Now stop that!� shouted TCR. �Chicken!� screamed Flora. TCR became so frustrated, that he cut Flora�s right leg off. �Right!� shouted Flora. �I�ll do you for that!� TCR couldn�t believe it. �What are you going to do � bleed on me!� �I�m invincible!� �You�re a Looney!� �The waxdroid always triumphs!� She began to push into him, totally unharming any part of him. TCR realised he might as well finish the job. He cut off her remaining leg off and what little was left of the once might waxdroid fell to the floor �Alright, we�ll call it a draw� she said before dying of wax leakage. Next thing he knew he was surrounded by hundreds of wax Flora�s. Then there was darkness.
The golf buggy sped along and the four looked behind at TCR being imprisoned. �A worthy sacrifice� said Phil solemnly, who then took his seat gleefully. �But we must turn our attention to the destruction of the waxdroids. And that means breaking into a very strange place � the Vault 52 Supermarket.� All three people looked at him. �I don�t think anyone expected him to say that!� said illgas.
The Vault 52 Supermarket was huge. Finding the item you wanted would have been unlikely if it wasn�t for the super go-kart-like trolleys that enable two people to drive around. They abandoned the golf buggy and took off in pairs. Illgas driving with Phil and Ray driving with Rat.
�So what are we looking for Phil?� asked illgas as they quickly flew past the pizza aisle. �We�re looking for a scented candle.� Illgas was slightly surprised. �Em�a scented candle?� Phil nodded. �Right. Waxdroids are made from wax. Ok?� Illgas nodded. �And candles are made from wax.� Illgas nodded once more. �And they don�t smell of raspberries. So if I was to breed a race of scented candles, they would be superior, right?� �I suppose�� �Good.� Illgas simply stared into space. �Yeah. Good.�
Meanwhile, Ray and Rat�s kart sped along the aisles, but nor Ray, the driver, or Rat were paying attention. �Did you know Rat, that the Vault 52 supermarket offers a wide range of shoe cleaning services?� �Really? Wow. It says in �Luppens Lug-enhancer Weekly� (possible Glasgow/Scottish slang: lugs = ears) that they can now register themselves as a charity, because one of their customers who could no longer wiggle his ears in a car accident was cured by them free of charge.� �Cool. Anyway, lets get the pizza and pink ice cream.� Rat then spotted a sign saying �Observe all signs� flying towards them. �Ray! Watch out for the sign!� They smashed straight through it. �Aargh! What did that sign say Rat?� �Observe all signs.� �Oops.�
The dynamic duo, Illgas and Phil, have now located the scented candles. �Ok Illgas stop the car.� He did so. �What kind of scented candle do you want � Bertie Bott�s Every Flavour Candle or maybe Azlar�s Finest?� Phil stopped dead. �Azlar�s Finest? I never thought he�d use them for commercial purposes.� �Them?� �Azlar is a warrior who would use waxdroids created from candles for shooting practice. Maybe we should give him a call.�
The slightly less dynamic duo, and less annoyingly smart duo, Rat and Ray are destroying a number of signs. �This has been a pleasant ride� said Ray. �Except for the BLOODY signs!� shouted Rat. �Watch out again Ray!� They hit the men�s toilet arrow sign and it now pointed the women�s toilet. �Wait! What did that say? Did that say men�s toilet?� asked Rat. Ray nodded. �Good. I�m dying for a piss!�
They turned round, parked the go-kart and enter the woman�s bathroom. Illgas heard the alarm go off. A sexy computerised voice emanated from the speakers. �Men in ladies toilets! Men in ladies toilets!� Phil who was going to call Azlar, heard it as well. �Those sick two! It�s the death penalty for that!� �No it isn�t Phil! Let�s overlook the sentence during these stressful times. Anyway, no woman has ever set foot in there.� �That�s the point. It isn�t a bathroom. It�s a wormhole that opens onto Stockholm.� Illgas finally realised the truth. �So that�s where you go! We thought you were a reclusive scientist!� �Oh, that�s the death penalty for you as well now.� �By means of natural death?� asked illgas. �Yes� said Phil, leaving illgas staring again. �Yeah. Good.�
Rat and Ray now found themselves walking around a Stockholm hotel. �Well that was unexpected. Look there�s a toilet there� said Ray and pointed to a door. �Thanks Ray. Give us a sec.� Time passed. Then Rat said �Ray, it�s one of those Japanese toilets that spray water up your ass!� Ray�s eyes opened wide. �Cool! Flush it! I dare you!� �OK! Here it goes!� shouted Rat. Then it flushed, and then the human noises began. �Oooo, that�s so good! Ah it�s cold! Oooo, Oooo, Oooo, Oooo!�
Phil called Azlar on his phone. Another tune played on the phone. Illgas and Phil started singing a song by David Bowie. �Ch-ch-changes! Time to make the change! Ch-ch-changes!� Azlar shouted on the other side of the phone. �Shut up! Hello Phil. It�s been a while.� �Yes it has. Now you still owe me a favour, if you remember correctly.� �So you want me to come through the wormhole?� �Yes, and bring two of my friends. They�ll be on a Japanese toilet.� �Will do. I�ll bring my apprentice Rogue Hex as well.�
TO BE CONTINUED
Vault 52 is copyright in Phillip Luppens.
The Fallout Universe is copyright of Interplay. V52 Soap is set within the universe of their critically acclaimed (but commercially hilarious!) game Fallout 2.
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Fantastic Rad, blindingly stunning. Superb Rad, a brilliant read. Groovy Rad, you sexy beast.�
Skenvoy
�Well...its interesting...odd...strange...
funny...dumb...and well just great! Hum...that sums it up I think...�
AltraWave7
�He-he, I liked... and err, every thing Altra said, I guess I�m just too lazy to write it out my self..�
RoGuE HeX
�Great!! hilarious! Awesome - keep on writing, lol, I didn�t stop laughing!!
"Best soap of the time" - New York times�
Azlar
�Thanks Azlar. This was the quirkiest episode yet.�
Rad
(In response to Rad�s above comment) �Yes, I think it was, but they are all great! I can�t wait for more! Ah but you probably shouldn�t of told them about my wax eh? Ah we should start the RPG up again, I think it would encourage activity in V52 and more people would read this.. although I doubt they would get parts of it.�
Azlar
This was the 1st Ep to have a title, a '>' number and the first feature-length episode.
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