Two days later�
San Francisco was looking overpopulated as the Fellowship of the Soap arrived. �We must get to the tanker!� shouted Scotty. �No � Wait!� said Stapes. �I have to do something first.� And then he ran away. �Follow him Gauss!� shouted Scotty. �I thought you said you didn�t want to be leader!� said Phil. �I�m not.� �Yes you are. You�re loving it!� �Fine � I won�t dish out any more orders every again.� �That�ll be bloody right!� There was a strange noise of a projectile liquid hitting the ground a few metres away. Everyone turned round and saw Red, Rad�s twin, urinating on the wall. �I order you to stop that!� shouted Scotty. Phil laughed in victory. All this commotion had however attracted attention, and a henchman of a man called Lo Pan defended his building�s honour. �You defile the building of Lo Pan!�
Gauss had followed Stapes into the Shi temple. Then Stapes entered a room to the right. Five seconds later, he walked out with a bag full of cash. �Where did you get that Stapes?� �Shh! Okay, I�ll tell you� I gave them the Vertibird Plans.� �I didn�t know we had them.� �I stole them off the Chosen One�s body.� �No. You have to give all this money to his family.� �His family! You are a dipstick if ever there was one.� �Give me the money Stapes!� �No.� �Give me the money!� Then Gauss pulled out his gun.
Ten seconds later, Gauss and Stapes were chucked out of the Temple. They got up, dusted the dust off themselves. Then, all the other members of the Fellowship of the Soap ran past them. �I order you to run!� shouted Scotty. Stapes and Gauss turned round and saw that the entire town of San Francisco was chasing them. �RUN!� By mistake they ran back into the temple and suddenly all the Shi were chasing them as well.
Quickly Phil got on board the tanker and climbed the stairs to the control deck. He changed the automatic location and the tanker started to move.
Outside Stapes and Gauss had missed the tanker. �Oh bloody hell� they said together. But as the angry mob approached, Stapes saw something in the sky moving towards him very fast. �It�s Santa Claus!� There came Santa in a Ferrari attached to flying robotic reindeer but still he wore the same red costume all the same. The Ferrari came to a dead halt beside the side of the dock. �Jump in!� said Santa in a un-Santa like voice. Stapes and Gauss jumped in and waved their fingers in a vulgar display at the mob. �Thanks Santa!� they said. �No, not Santa. It�s me, illgas!�
The tanker moved faster than expected and after every vagrant had been thrown off the ship, a game of cards had to be cancelled. The only people left were Azlar, Scotty, Phil and the virtually silent Red. Phil laid out a bit of paper with two dots on it, one large and one quite small. �Ok, this is us� he said and pointed at the small dot. �And this, is the Oil Rig� and then he pointed at the large dot. �And�� said Scotty. �Sorry?� �You mean that�s it?� �Yes.� �Bloody hell. We are going to die!� Azlar stepped in. �Hey, speak for yourself. The only person that is going to die is Red� several times.� Red nodded. Scotty wasn�t convinced. �We need some kind of plan� look at Vietnam!� �Vietnam? What about it?� �It�s right outside our bloody window!� True enough, Phil had made a rather large miscalculation. �Oh shit!� Everyone except Red ran up the stairs to the control room. Phil took control. �Okay, here is where the Oil Rig should be. I�ve got it right this time.� Azlar pushed Phil gently away. �Gentleman, take off your hats� said Azlar. �Why must we take off our hats? Is it the feast day of the Holy Pink Ice Cream already?� asked Phil. �No! But according to your calculations the oil rig is in the middle of Westminster Abbey!� Red entered the room. �Is this ripped off from Tintin?� Azlar nodded mournfully.
The Ferrari flew over the Pacific Ocean at the same speed the tanker would have cruised along it. �So, I pretended to be Santa Claus to avoid the local mob� said illgas. �Tell us about this evil scientist - Takroy?� asked Stapes. �He told me about you guys, he told me what was going to happen� it�s all fated to be. There�s nothing we can do to stop it. And if we can blow up the damn Oil Rig in the process then cool!� �But what about Herb and Ernie?� �They are evil. They corrupt the most brilliant thing. I�ll give you an example: Say there�s a brilliant post-apocalyptic game series, and then Herb sees it, makes it a game where the timeline doesn�t matter, where the humble thong has an armour class of 55 and where there�s an invisible plastic surgeon increasing breast sizes for the wasteland population.� �Oh. But how did they ever have enough money to buy an oil rig?� �They had an evil corporation called Intraplay.� Stapes shuddered. �Never say such a word again!� �What?� asked illgas. Gauss decided to explain. �That corporation gave him a false view of women. If you and me used the panoramic camera, Stapes used the breast cam. He started feminism!� exclaimed Gauss. Stapes reluctantly agreed. �Yes it�s true. Because of me, the women stopped using the panoramic camera and started using the demonising camera.� �What is it with the camera�s?� �What is it with the post-apocalyptic game series?� replied Stapes and Gauss. Illgas shrugged and then saw the Oil Rig in the distance. �Here we go my friends � to save the day!�
The Ferrari was parked on the highest platform of the Oil Rig. Romulus and Cain then stepped out. �Romulus and Cain! Move away illgas � me and Gauss can handle this� said Stapes. Illgas ran away into the main building and straight into a swimming pool. Meanwhile, the tanker finally docked at the Oil Rig and in his cell, Rad was about to get a visit.
Rad was sweating like Apollo at the end of Rocky II. Just as well he wasn�t sweating like Apollo half an hour into Rocky IV � in other words, at least he was still alive. The door to his cell opened and in stepped Takroy. �I require you to pick your nose Rad. If you refuse, I will shoot you.� �No you won�t! You need events to go a precise way!� �Then how do you know that precise series events doesn�t involve your death?� Rad shrugged. �What the hell.� And he picked his nose and disappeared.
In the swimming pool, illgas was not alone. On the other side of the pool was Zoe, in a bikini. �Wow! So, do you enjoy wearing scanty clothes on an oil rig full of evil, sadistic perverts or is it just the evil, sadistic perverts that enjoy it?� �I would ask you the same question.� Illgas suddenly found that his Santa suit had disappeared and he was now wearing a male thong. �Aargh!� �That thong has an armour class of 55. Aren�t you pleased?� �No! I will not play by Fallout:BOS rules! It should have an armour class of 0!� Zoe smiled. �Good! It seems you are on the nice guy side. I must know how you got here.� �I got here on a Santa sleigh.� �Good. I will inform your friends and escape with my beloved. I already know what is going to happen, but for a moment with my beloved before we both die in the most painful way possible, is not something I am prepared to miss. Goodbye!� �Huh?� �Do not worry � go quickly to the main deck, if anyone is injured, they will need your help.�
Rad reappeared in Vault 88, his home once, but now it seemed to be Takroy HQ. �Welcome Rad� said Takroy who had just appeared on a chair, �Do you have any questions?� �What happened to the Three R�s?� �Rat, Rogue and Ray all died. The two you knew well both died in the most painful way possible.� �What is the most painful way possible to die?� �The EVIL EYE!� �How did Rat and Ray die like that?� �Phil�s eyes were given that deadly trait by the obnoxious wax�s �healing� effect on his damaged retina. However, you managed to replace these, and for us both to get what we want, you must give the Evil Eye to your twin brother.� �I give him the evil eye so he can die in the most painful way possible? That would make me Judas the Poncy Pilate!� �Yeah. I see what you did there� said Takroy, unimpressed, �but you will soon see, that giving him the Evil Eye is the best thing to do.� �How?� �He will keep on dying and dying and dying. What�s the humane thing to do Rad?� Rad was silent, and allowed Takroy to continue. �And he will be able to kill Herb and Ernie, and wipe out those gits once and for all.� �It will not be my choice � it will be his.� �Pick your nose again Rad. Goodbye.� Rad picked his nose, and disappeared but did not return to his cell.
He reappeared outside, where Stapes and Gauss were now held at gunpoint by Cain. Romulus lay unconscious on the floor. �Hey! Cain! Over here!� shouted Rad. Cain turned round, and Stapes and Gauss grabbed him. But they could not prevent a shot being fired. Rad fell down. He had been hit directly in the belly button, which was a very, very soft area in which to be hit. �Ah!� he screamed. Herb and Ernie arrived. �You idiot Cain! There is no Brotherhood without him!� exclaimed Herb. �Really?� asked Stapes. Gauss and Stapes looked at each other, and Rad gave a weak nod. Then they chucked Cain off the railing, and he bounced off jagged metal outcroppings before he fell into the sea, dead. �NO!� shouted Herb. Rad crawled off as Herb and Ernie started to cry in each other�s arms. Stapes and Gauss just watched and laughed as it started to rain, then were shocked when Herb and Ernie disappeared.
Illgas was on the main deck. His intercom began to ring. �Hello?� �It�s me, Rad! I�m looking at you on a security camera, but I need medical help, or I�m dead.� �Take the lift down to this level and then we�ll go to a medical lab!� �Ok!�
Phil, Scotty and Azlar were also at gunpoint at the same time as Stapes and Gauss. But it was Zoe this time. �Who are you?� asked Phil. �Be quiet! I will relent from killing you if you do something for me! Something, since the prehistoric episodes of this Soap history, has only happened once!�
And so, Zoe made them all dance around naked and then ran into the tanker where Red still was. She then locked the door, and the tanker began to move off. �Damn you woman!� shouted Phil. Red appeared on the main deck. �Red! We haven�t fulfilled the quest!� �Zoe informs me the Brotherhood is destroyed, which was my quest. She also tells me you have more than one way of escape.� Azlar turned to Scotty. �We must blow this thing up. Quickly!� �But how will we escape?� �I don�t know...�
In the medical lab, Rad had been returned to full health, thanks to Illgas. �Thank you my friend. Just then, Takroy appeared and knocked illgas out. Rad began to laugh. �Your plan is foiled Takroy! I will not give my brother the Evil eye because I have no reason to � the Brotherhood is finished!� �No, not foiled, just a precise series of events being followed. Your twin brother is now beyond your help in a tanker sailing away from this point. The Evil Eye will be administered severely. There is only one thing you can do to stop me! You must pick your nose!� Rad then picked his nose and nothing happened. �Huh?� Takroy then laughed his ass off. �Haha! You just picked your nose for no reason!� Then the evil scientist disappeared.
On the main deck, Takroy reappeared at a terminal where he transported the evil eye on TCR�s body onto his. He laughed and disappeared again.
Then Takroy appeared on the tanker and zapped Red with the evil eye, killing him. On the Oil Rig, Phil, Scotty and Azlar ran before Takroy saw them. �Ouch!� said Phil, �I�m calling Rad!�
However, Rad was busy at that moment. He dialled on his intercom. �Hello Takroy!� he said into the intercom. �Ah Rad! Your brother is temporarily dead.� �Oh well, you won�t mind if I transplant your brain then will you!� �You can�t do that! That�s too easy a death!� �I don�t care! I was going to allow you to use the Evil Eye on yourself in a mirror by mistake, but you are way too slow! Goodbye Mr. Takroy.�
Takroy was then of course dead, but Red came back to life. Zoe came out onto the main deck. �So the Evil Eye isn�t the most painful way to die?� �No, my darling wife � it seems all the time Takroy was killing me, some technological advances were made��
Rad�s intercom buzzed. �Hello?� �Rad, this is Phil! Where is this other transport?� �illgas told me it was on the upper deck� call Gauss and Stapes, and we�ll meet up there! I�ve activated the self-destruct.�
The Ferrari sleigh was ready to go as Stapes, Gauss, Phil, Scotty and Azlar waited for Rad and illgas to arrive. From out of the lift, Rad came carrying illgas, who was returning to consciousness. �Get it ready!� shouted Rad. They jumped onto the sleigh and Phil accelerated into the sky. The oil rig exploded into flames and then a white nuclear pulse.
They were flying in the clouds when the Enclave Oil Rig had a space shuttle exploding into the sky like a giant controlled firework. �It�s like some kind of evacuation shuttle � Phil keep this altitude till we get to San Fransisco.� �We did it Rad!� �Indeed. We accomplished the quest! The waxdroids shall be locked up just in case they should ever regain consciousness and we shall live happily with the people of the wasteland!� In the distance though, the rocket had entered space. �What was that?� Azlar stroked his chin. �It was a rocket!� �DUH!� �Who was in it?�
When they came to San Fransisco, none of them were prepared for the shock that awaited them. �Everyone�s dead� said Phil. And it was true. Around them, were the corpses of hundreds of San Fransisco citizens. �Phil, what do you think happened here?� �Looking at this dude�s open mouth, it seems he died of a mix of suffocation, but all his flesh inside was black.� Scotty then slapped himself in the face. �Aargh!� �What is it Scotty?� �Anyone else starting to see? This is why the Chosen One wanted us to destroy the Enclave Oil Rig � the Enclave did this!� �Oh well, shit happens� said Phil. Azlar went mental. �Is that all you have to say? I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!� �You can�t kill me! You just couldn�t!� �Why won�t I kill you?� �Well, you blinded me!� �AARGH!� Rad intervened. �Be quiet! Please. The Enclave have left in that shuttle. Let�s go home.� Scotty shook his head while saying � �We need revenge. But they have fled. Bastards. One day we shall have revenge.� �Is tomorrow good for you!� laughed Rad, thinking about his continuing adventures. Suddenly Gauss, realised something, and then pointed it out to Rad and Stapes. There stood Phil, Scotty and Azlar all naked. �Guys, why are you all naked? And illgas, why are you only wearing a male thong?� Phil looked at Rad only, for Stapes and Gauss were not well known to him. �Your time will come Rad.� �Yeah right you naked buffoon!� �Right that�s it! Get this smartass� clothes off NOW!� Rad ran away and then naked dudes and illgas chased after him except Scotty who quickly got dressed. �What idiots!� exclaimed Stapes. �I�m glad I�m only a guest star in this Soap. Wait � what the hell is a male thong! How bloody impractical!�
END OF SERIES ONE
Vault 52 is copyright in Phillip Luppens.
The Fallout Universe is copyright of Interplay. V52 Soap is set within the universe of their critically acclaimed (but commercially hilarious!) game Fallout 2.
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Azlar
As you can see, forum activity had by this point dipped somewhat. 1 Critical Response!
Admittedly, this isn't the best episode, but since there were 6 month gaps between >V, >IV and the preceding episode, it seems I do need time to get new ideas.
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