In the middle of a pacific ocean there is an oil rig. On this oil rig there were two evil brothers. They had formed the �Brotherhood of Brothers� � a clumsily named group in which the most evil men in history who had murdered their brother in their lives were allowed to join. There were only two members at the moment. They were the Caen brothers.
They stood at two glass tubes, both filled with bacta and containing the bodies of two dead people. Herb Caen flicked a switch. Suddenly the dead bodies� eyes opened. They were alive.
�Herb! We�ve done it!� shouted Ernie Caen. �We�ve brought back Romulus and Cain from the dead.� Romulus who had slain his brother Remus, and Cain who had slain Abel, were back. �Ernie � we need only one more person to join the Brotherhood to complete our evil hive mind!� �Yes Herb. And I think I know who that is. He just has to kill his twin brother.�
The Vault 52 Supermarket still plays host to our heroes. Phil and illgas are waiting for bounty hunter Azlar, his apprentice Rogue, Rat and Ray to arrive in one of the super-fast go-karts. They were currently examining age-old souvenirs of previous events. �Hey Phil look at this scarf!� �Oh yes! Humans 1 Sars 0. A great victory. Great day for mankind!� Phil browsed around and found a newspaper. �Hmm� look at this. Fallout 3 cancelled again, Scotty the Great�s vault to close in 2241.� �2241! But that was last year!� �How interesting!�
From down the huge aisle came the noise of the go-kart. The noise it gave off was not a good noise. �illgas, that go-kart is moving too fast � in twenty seconds, it won�t be able to stop in time! Activate automated traffic sign program. Sign Program � Emergency Halt. Variation Intensity � 5000.�
In the go-kart, our other four heroes are singing a collection of neo-seasonal songs.
�Hobbits got squished, and covered in beer,
eaten by Santa, and his strange weirdo deer.�
A sign flew up in front of the car saying �Stop you maggots!� The kart smashed through it. �What did that say? Did that say woman�s toilet?� asked Rat with a glint in his eye. �You are not going over to the Japanese toilet!� shouted Azlar. �But I left it flushing! Stockholm will have tsunami washing over it soon!� �NO! Ray, what did that sign say? You are driving the car remember!� �Stop Lou Jagger I think!�
Fifteen seconds later, illgas jumped out of the way. �Phil jump! JUMP!� The go-kart hit Phil and sent him flying into the air. In the car, Ray shouted �I stopped Lou Jagger!�
Phil lay unconscious and half-dead on an operating table. Azlar spoke first. �Here is what I will do. I will give Phil a cryogenic eye. This will regulate such things as body temperature and further cell degradation. However, there is a good side and a bad side. The good side is that Phil will be immortal.� Everyone shouted �Yeah!� or �Do it man!�. Ray even shouted �Do it to me!� �The bad side is that Phil, will, be� blind.� Ray suddenly regretted saying anything. There was a long, painful silence. �Ow!� shouted Rogue. �Do it� said Rad. Another silence followed. �Wait a second!� shouted Rat. �Rad! You got turned into a waxdroid!� �No. I used a mind-control technique to fake the test score called FALCHE. I was so good I�d killed Metzger three times! The story that culminates in my escape is a complicated one, so let�s have a nice flashback�
Rad, sat in an electric chair while Wax Flora paced about the room sexily. �Rad. You are to be set free.� �Why bitch?� �Rad! Stop it! Our co-creator has contacted us, and has given those orders.� �Who were the creators?� �Takroy, and your twin brother. My twin brother!� �He wants to kill you himself Rad so he can do whatever he wants to do.� �Oh well goodbye then!� �Goodbye. Goody two-shoes git!� �I cheated on that test you bitch! If you want the real test results have a look at this.� Rad showed her a piece of paper. �This is more evil than Luppens! And you didn�t even have the Children patch installed! You sexy, rogue, MAN!� Rad screamed and then ran away from the aroused Wax Flora.
The flashback disappeared and the operating room came back into focus. �And then, I left.� Rogue noticed something in Rad�s hand. A large box. �What�s in the box?� �TCR�s brain. Here�s another flashback�
Rad was on his way out when TCR�s dead body was being carried across to a room. Rad entered the room, and when he got there, they removed TCR�s brain. And then it was put in machine that looked like an air vent. There was quick bang and a sterilised brain was carried out. �Yum. Brains� said a waxdroid. �No!� shouted Rad and snapped it away. And then he dropped it. �Oh crap!� A bit flew off. �Oh shit crap!� Brain fluid leaked onto the floor and as Rad bent down to pick up the brain, he slipped and flew into it. �Oh damn it, crap, crappity crap!�
The flashback disappeared again. �But I stuck the brain back together again, I promise.� �So when did you escape?� asked Rat. �Ten minutes ago.� �Ten minutes ago!� �Here�s another flashback�� �Not again!�
Rad was singing. �My booty is so big, My nose is in the shape of a fig, My heart transplant was thanks to a pig!� Rad was dancing around the room naked and was drinking a liquid form of spam.
�Aargh!� shouted Rad as the flashback faded away. �Wrong flashback! Here we go again��
�My booty is so -� and the flashback faded away again. �Rad, just tell us what happened!� �Sorry, I felt strangely attracted to myself there!� Everyone exchanged worried glances. �Wait! I�ve found the flashback��
Rad was walking along to freedom when he stopped at a sign saying �Single Wax Woman Pad�. He opened the door, but when he did, a tidal wave of water flew out. He was sure he could see a Japanese toilet before a waxdroid version of Vergilius flew out and hit him. �Wax Vergilius!� �I must feed my Japanese toilet addiction!� And then he committed wax suicide. This a bit like picking your nose. Rad then shaped Vergilius wax body into the shape of a surfboard, and then he was gliding upon the bosom of the flowing water�
The flashback stopped as Ray laughed at the word �bosom�. �Wait a second Ray!� exclaimed Rad. �That was just pictures in your head, not letters.� �Oh yes� said Ray. �How silly of me.� There was a painful silence as everyone waited for Ray�s sniggering to stop and for him to do what he obviously wanted to do. �*cough* BOSOM! *cough*� �Well done Ray� said Azlar sarcastically. �So, what happened to the Waxdroids when all the levels drowned?� asked Rogue. �Shut up my idiotic and inferior apprentice!� �I�ll get Darth Vader on your ass old man!� �I am the master.� �Just you wait twenty or so years, and then I�ll kick your ass!� �Please be quiet both of you,� said Rad. �As to your question Rogue, that�s why I need to talk to Phil. How does wax react with water?� Azlar smirked at Rad�s incompetence. �What part of wax-DROID do you not understand?� �Mechanics. So they are all dead.� �No. Just unconscious. The droids have a shut down mechanism, which is often automatically activated. Indeed, until this latest model came out, the best tactic to use on waxdroids was to urinate on them!� Rat chirped in. �Chirp! I mean � we have to try and find the humans that are still alive! The three R�s � plus me, em� Rat, yes, should do a bit of scuba diving, while you do the operation and do what you came to do.�
And so, they did. The Four R�s dived down into the water. �So, tell me,� said Rad. �Tell me of this other Japanese toilet. Did it have a dual flush mechanism?� �A dual-flush mechanism? They were taken off the market when some guy got flushed down!� �Do you know who that guy was?� Everyone shaked their heads. �That was my twin brother. He must have been flushed out into some parallel universe. He created the waxdroids along with that evil, only-child, scientist Takroy. I knew he had been about for some time � I was always getting blamed for things I had never done. And that flashback - it wasn�t me dancing to a song naked, it was him.� �YOU FOUND YOUR OWN TWIN BROTHER ATTRACTIVE!� �NO! Well yeah he�s me yeah? Yeah?� The only way you could tell when Rad was nervous was when he kept saying yeah. He had envied his evil twin brother�s ability to not show his nervousness. �Yeah, anyway, yeah. That was a half-excuse for my line of thought about my brother�s dealings in all this.� �YOU FOUND YOUR TWIN BROTHER ATTRACTIVE!� �STOP IT!.. YEAH?�
The cryo-eye operation had been a success. Ten minutes later, Phil woke up. He opened his eyes. Then he closed his eyes. Then he opened his eyes. �Bastards� he said. Azlar was in the room. �Phil. We had to take away your sight to save your life.� �Bugger.� �Yep.� �Oh well, shit happens.� �Huh?� �Shit happens.� �Is that all you�ve got to say!?� �No. What�s happened while I�ve been away?� �The lower levels have all been drowned, so the Waxdroids are all unconscious.� �Although I need to you to help me build a race of scented candle warriors, I crave another favour.� �How do you deserve one?� �Well, you blinded me!� �I also saved your life� and made you immortal by the way!� �So if I got shot in the head I wouldn�t die� ah ha, thought not! I would die eventually thanks to the infinite chances in infinite time and space.� �Fine! What is this favour?� �I need you to scout the wasteland for a man named Scotty the Great.�
The divers trooped back dejectedly when they saw everyone else had drowned. For purposes of privacy and the fact the next conversation is sick, no names of the speakers will be told. Though it�s bloody obvious. �Why, yeah, couldn�t we undress Sken yeah?� �That�s necrophilia! *cough* sick shit! *cough*.� There was a long, painful silence. �Ow! That really hurt!� �I think I em� Rat, yes� I think you should be worrying about the guy with the harpoon standing in front of us!� And there in front of them was Rad�s twin brother in a diving suit with a harpoon gun in his hand. Suddenly Our-Rad chucked the gun out of his hand and the other three R�s jumped on Evil-Rad.
But just to suspend your excitement, let�s switch locations. At the Vault 52�s blast door, Azlar could hear something outside.
Outside in the wasteland, stood a group of people from Scotty the Great�s Vault. Scotty, the leader, was a strange man who enjoyed playing with himself �furiously�. Stapes was the cynic and had a friendly way about him, but you didn�t want to turn your back on him if he was less than a friend � luckily, everyone was Stapes� friend. Slurry is an Australian and due to his home country creating this writer�s favourite soap, Neighbours, he will be portrayed as an incredible, muscular hero. Gauss, is neutral in all things, though sometimes not out of his own choice. �I say we call a vote!� said Scotty. �NO!� shouted Stapes. �I haven�t even said what it�s about yet?� �YES, then!� �What?� �I say, we have a vote not to call our vote!� �Anyway� said Scotty ignoring him. �I say we call a vote to see whether or not we should blast the door into oblivion!� �NO!� shouted Stapes again. �Good. Slurry could you vote please?� �Where the hell is Slurry?� asked Stapes. �He�s buggered off! Have you seen him Gauss? And could you vote?� �No, I haven�t seen Slurry.� �And could you vote?� asked Scotty. �Vote?� said Gauss confusedly. �Yes! Vote!� �I didn�t know there was one.� �VOTE!� �Do I have to?� �VOTE!� �YES then.� �Thank you Gauss. I vote NO. Evil Rad? Oh I better use the intercom. Evil Rad?� �Yes, here I am. I vote YES.�
Now I know what you are thinking� how could Evil Rad respond. Surely he was in a fight!
Down in the water-clogged levels of Vault 52, a Rad lay dead, and a Rad stood up. On the intercom, Scotty spoke. �Are you ok Rad?� �Oh, I was in a fight. Then this guy dropped dead after a terribly painful silence, two guys buggered off and then I shot and killed my twin!� �Oh, so you are off to join the Brotherhood of Brothers then?� �The what?� �You know, the place you said you wanted to join!� �Oh yeah I better tell them.� �Nah, just use the transference beam by picking your nose eh?� �Oh yeah right yeah, enjoy the voting yeah!� Rad picked his nose and disappeared off to that Oil Rig in the middle of the pacific ocean. That is where we leave him for this episode.
Azlar was outside and decided to do something incredibly smart. �It�s me Slurry!� �Slurry? Where are you?� �Behind this blast door!� �How did you get there?� asked Scotty. �I� don�t know!� �What the hell happened to your voice?� asked Stapes. �Em� I don�t know that either!� �What do you know?� �I know what I want to vote for. NO. And I believe that means we are not in favour of blasting down the door! Goodbye.� And Azlar ran away. �He�s buggered off again!� And that is where we leave those characters for that episode. For Rat and Ray have just returned to Phil.
�Phil. How are you doing?� asked Ray. �I need you to do something for me� said Phil. �I need you to put scented candle mix into my cryo-eyes.� �Why?� �Just do it.� �Why?� �It should make me blind no more.� �Any side-effects?� �You don�t want to know!� �What?� �Just do it!� Rat brought over a packet of Azlar�s Finest and emptied it into a hollow on the top of the rim of Phil�s cryo-eyes. Then Ray and Rat dropped dead. And Phil could see again. �Oh shit! I�ve got the Evil Eye!�
TO BE CONTINUED
Vault 52 is copyright in Phillip Luppens.
The Fallout Universe is copyright of Interplay. V52 Soap is set within the universe of their critically acclaimed (but commercially hilarious!) game Fallout 2.
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Scotty
�I love the work you�ve put into this one - nothing like a V52 soap! I just hope I live, lol. That�s all i got to say, other than 3 days of school left! W00t!�
Azlar
�...as has been done in the past the latest V52 Soap has received great praise and has been nominated for Soap of the year... in other news.
Well that was damn funny...I'm gonna have to re-read the previous soaps.
"The Vault 52 Soap (Not the cleaning kind)."
Altra
Phil and Rad Conversation below:
�Thank you... a female user is being added to the soap cast next week...�
Rad
�This is the best example of ESP I have ever seen!"
Phil
ESP?
Rad
�Extra-sensual-perception (or something like that - basically; just the ability to receive signals without senses as we know them (speech, vision, taste, etc ..).
Still err .. ? - Mind reading
And yes, Flora, Zoe & Skenvoy: I can read your mind. And yes, you should be ashamed!�
Phil
This was the first episode to include the Proconsul from Scotty the Great's. Although, it must be noted that Scotty played a cafe owner in one of the old episodes.
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