Final Fantasy VII

• "Blame Jenova"
  -- History
• "How to Write an Aeris Resurrection Fic"
       -Steps 1-3
       -Steps 4-6
       -Steps 7-8
       -Step 9
       -Steps 10-11
       -Steps 11-12
       -Step 13
       -Step 14
       -Step 15
       -Steps 16-18
       -Step 19
       -Steps 20-21
       -Step 22
       -Steps 23-25
  -- History
  -- Acknowledgements
  

• "Stealing Our Thunder"
  -- History

All right, it's the moment you've all been waiting for. Yes, that's right: awkward, stilted descriptions of you and Sephiroth holding hands! (Hey, didn't you say that love was a deeply spiritual connection, beyond physicality and hormones? Oh, I'm sorry, that's only when someone else's hormones are involved, you say? You wouldn't have gone to the trouble of resurrecting a boyfriend if you couldn't reward yourself with lots of naughty escapades involving leather and whipped cream? See if I care.)

Seriously, think about your fic for a moment. It may have taken the resurrection of two characters and an army of plot holes, but you're finally at the place that you wanted to be in your story. Your favourite couples are together. Your syllable-to-word ratio is sky-high. And best of all, now that you've had so much experience writing emotional and poignant love scenes, you can write the next chunk of this fic on autopilot.

Do you really want to ruin a good thing by changing the formula? No, it is in your best interest to stall writing an actual plot, and pad your fic with as much filler as possible.

Some writers think of their work as their children. But children involve actual effort to make them develop into fully-grown human beings, not to mention changing diapers and listening to Barney tapes and other icky stuff. This fic doesn't have any real plot development; it's just an exercise in narcissism and wish fulfillment. No, your epic Aeris Resurrection Fic is more like that boyfriend you might have in high school--you know, the captain of the football team whom you think is sort of cute and date for a long time to show off to all your friends, but are never really serious about. The object of your relationship is not to make it grow into something more, but to get him to buy you as many flowers as possible before you get sick of each other.

Likewise, the art of writing filler chapters is to make the least happen in the greatest number of words. And how do we do this? Stick with what is tried, tested, and true. When you go to the movies with your hypothetical boyfriend on a date, and you both enjoy it, you'll want to go again, next time, right? It's a safer bet than trying something new--and besides, it also saves you the trouble of thinking up creative things to do. Sure, you may have a fountain of inspiration with a direct pipeline to the muses, but you should reserve it for important things, like thinking of synonyms for the word "said".

Remember when I said that certain steps of the guide could be repeated ad infinitum? Here's where everything you've already learnt will come in handy. Now that you've become comfortable with writing the same scenario over and over again, we can think of these filler chapters as dates with your fic. Step 9? The romantic dinner. Change the couple, and you change the restaurant. Step 12? The makeout session in the boiler room. Step 16? The boring and perfunctory visit to his parents' house. Just alternate between couples and steps, and insert a few random vignettes; before you know it, you will have a novel-length story on your hands, by which time Sephiroth will be pregnant with twins, Barret will have had a sex-change operation, and Jycellaemynthia will have crossed over into seventeen different fandoms! (What can I say? Your story gets around.)

"But Mina," you may ask. "What about the readers? I thought the point of this was to write a good fanfic that people would enjoy reading, not to waste as much bandwidth as possible."

Well, your one reviewer only reads chapters as they come out, doesn't she? Why would she care if your plot stagnates for thirty chapters, as long as she gets her monthly dose of fluff? Besides, everybody else is doing it. If you don't believe me, pick a bad romance fic that is over ten chapters long at random. Chances are that if the couple gets together within the first three chapters, the next ten will consist of romantic interludes and vignettes which are just excuses for the author to see Person A and Person B in the same room together.

Let me give you an example, before I subject you to more awful dating metaphors:

Step 9 (Writing Romantic Cut-scenes):

"What a beautiful day," cried Cloud ecstatically, wrapping a powerful arm around Aeris's soft waist. "So perfect for a lovely walk along the beach."

They stared at the golden sun, as golden as flowing honey, whose rays painted the cerulean sky, as cerulean as the tranquil ocean, a vibrant cerulean-with-golden-streaks, as cerulean and golden as a pot of flowing honey that had been dropped into the tranquil ocean, and sighed at the lovely sight.

"Cloud?" asked Aeris inquiringly, inquisitively, and redundantly.
"Mmph?" Cloud blinked his cerulean eyes--which were as cerulean as a tranquil ocean that did not have a pot of honey dropped into it--as if he had been snapped out of a trance. "Sorry, I was just distracted by how beautiful you are."
"Cloud," she continued, her jade eyes sparkling like champagne, "do you think we were fated to fall in love?"
"Absolutely! All those Cloti shippers have it dead wrong."

He went back to staring rapturously at Aeris's tender, radiant, beauteous, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious face. But Aeris seemed perturbed by something.

"I can't understand it," Aeris whispered.
"What do you mean?" Cloud gasped incredulously. "Are you saying you don't believe in love at first sight? Are you saying you don't believe that we were meant to be?" His eyes began to mist up, his lower lip quivered, and he scrunched up his face. "Oh, Aeris. I...I thought you loved me!"
"No, NO, Cloud, I didn't mean it like that," she said immediately, patting the now bawling Cloud on the back. "It's just that...what do you see in me? Why am I so special to you?" Aeris looked away and blushed, her soft pink cheeks turning the colour of a glass of Kool-Aid that has not been dropped into the ocean and has not been anywhere near honey.
Cloud grabbed her hand fervently. "Don't be silly, Aeris," he ejaculated profusely, climactically, and moistly. "You're the most wonderful woman in the world to me! My life was a waking nightmare when you were gone."

But for some reason, Aeris seemed unconvinced.

"My beloved angel," Cloud intoned. "Do you not remember how I came to place a flower upon your fair grave? Why would I have gone all the way to the lake to mourn you if I did not care about you?"
For a second, it looked as if Aeris would protest, but she said nothing. Then she smiled weakly. "I...I guess you're right," she said finally. "It's just...sometimes it's hard to understand how you can love me so much, out of all the women in the world."
"Ah, but that is love for you," Cloud whispered sagely. He leaned over and kissed Aeris gently on the forehead. They walked the rest of the way along the sandy beach in silence.

Step 9:

"Oh, Sephy-chan, my beautiful one-winged angel," laughed Jycellaemynthia, running her delicate fingers through her beloved's shimmering, silky hair. "Now is our chance to spend some time alone!"

It had been a long day for both of them; they had volunteered at the local orphanage together, and although it had warmed their hearts to see the joy that they'd brought to the lives of those underprivileged youth, they were worn out from their exertion. Neither of them had any chores to do, for Chip-Chip the chipmunk and Fuzzykins the rabbit had offered to cook dinner in Jycei's stead and give her a rare day off. So now Sephiroth and Jycellaemynthia sat together.

Alone.

On Jycellaemynthia's bed.

"Boy, after such a rough day, it'll be nice to unwind for a bit, won't it?" said Jycellaemynthia. She reached toward the CD player nearby, in which an album of popular romantic songs had been coincidentally placed, brushing Sephiroth's arm in the process, and turned it on.

"Absolutely!" cried Sephiroth. "Time spent with my beloved is always rejuvenating to my spirit."

"Mmm-hmm." Jycei had stood up and walked over to the dresser, upon which she was placing rows of candles. Striking a match, she lit them one by one. "So, are you up to some...rejuvenation?" The last of the candles burning, she winked at Sephiroth, and took off her billowing crimson cloak (which complemented her blood-red eyes so nicely), revealing a silky negligee underneath.

"Sure! Why don't we do some yoga," Sephiroth suggested. "I haven't practiced in ages!"

Jycei walked over to the side of the bed and leaned in until she was inches away from Sephiroth's face, staring into his emerald pools with her magenta orbs. "Actually," she began, "I thought we could do something a little more...intimate."

"Oh," said Sephiroth, as it dawned on him. He grinned. "I get it!"

Smiling, Jycellaemynthia lowered her hand, and ever so slowly reached for Sephiroth's...

"What a great idea!" squealed Sephiroth, grabbing Jycellaemynthia's outstretched hand in his own firm one. "We can hold hands. Oh, this is so romantic!"

The smile faded from Jycei's face, and she sheepishly put her cloak back on. "Very romantic," she muttered, as she glared in the direction of the fourth wall, where Evil Mina was snickering at her.

Step 16 (The Mandatory Throwaway Scene That Features Unattractive Characters and Contains No Shippiness):

"Do you have any fives?" asked Red XIII.
"No," said Cait Sith. "Go Fish."

(AN: This part is SO boring! Where's the shippiness?)

Step 12 (The RICNP):

Sephiroth sat alone in the basement of the Costa del Sol Villa, his eyes brimming with tears.

"I'm a horrible monster!" he thought to himself.

He slumped over, his body wracked with sobs. For the past two months, he had been consumed by guilt. He had tried to move on, but every waking minute, remorse tore apart the fragile flesh of his tender, woe-begotten heart like a ferocious tiger. Every night he hid under his covers and cried himself to sleep, holding onto his teddy bear as tightly as he could to lessen the ponderous weight that burdened his soul. Sure, he had committed all those war crimes for the good of mankind, he would try to tell himself to assuage his conscience, and his mother had been controlling him the whole time, but still, he could not forgive himself. He had not felt a single moment of true happiness since he had finally seen the error of his ways--except, of course, for the pure bliss he'd feel whenever he was with his sweet Jycellaemynthia Tinfania Crystalwind, which was roughly twenty-three hours out of twenty-four. But for that one hour he was alone each day, oh, how he suffered!

"Sephiroth!"

Sephiroth turned his head to see who had addressed him, not bothering to hide his red-rimmed eyes--for he was comfortable showing others his sensitive side--only to let out a high-pitched shriek. It was...that woman. The one who had...no, think of happy thoughts! Think of Jycei--sweet, sweet Jycei--and butterflies, and rainbows, and...
"No, Mother," he screamed. "Don't make me kill those people! I'll be good, I promise!" He fell into a heap on the floor, whimpering.

If Tifa was fazed by Sephiroth's reaction, she didn't show it. "Hey, Sephiroth," she said. "I was looking for you-"
"It's Sephy," he snapped, and returned to his wailing.
Sephy thought he saw Tifa roll her eyes, but he decided it was just his imagination. "Right," she said. "Sephy."

Tifa glanced behind her to check if someone was eavesdropping. "All right," she said. "Tell me. What do you know?"
"What?" Sephiroth gave her a puzzled look.
"Oh, don't play dumb with me," she snapped. "I know that...I know you know about..." She lowered her voice to a barely audible whisper. "Well, about me."
"Really?" Sephiroth brushed himself off and stood up. "In that case, could you tell me?"
Tifa raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
"Well," Sephiroth began, "it's funny, but to tell you the truth, my memories of my whole descent into madness are...kind of fuzzy. The foul evil that lived inside my soul clouded my mind. See, I vaguely remember that you did something pretty bad, but until I purify my soul, I can't remember exactly what it was."

"Wait a minute." Tifa's eyes widened. "So you'll only find out the truth about me the moment you defeat your evil side?"
"Yes, only once I have fully atoned for my sins will my memories return to me. And should I ever fall into the darkness again, perhaps I shall be lost forever...hey, this is serious! Why are you laughing so hard? And why are you doing that giddy dance, and rubbing your hands together nefariously, and looking so excited?"
"Ha ha, no reason," gasped Tifa between hysterical cackles. "It's just...damn, who would've thought that Reno...ha ha...would actually be right for a change?"

And before Sephy-chan could ask what she was talking about, the evil woman with terrible fashion sense and bad plastic surgery ran off, eager to put her diabolical schemes into action.

Step 9:

Vincent sat in a dark corner in the basement of the Shinra mansion and brooded. The stifling darkness and musty air suited his stifled, dark, and musty mood. Life was nothing but a walking shadow, a cruel nightmare, a rotting skeleton, a painful ulcer, a mouldy slice of bread. For today was Valentine's Day, and Vincent still hadn't seen his silly-billy Yuffie.

"Oh, woe is me!" he cried. "My silly-billy Yuffie is not here to make me smile. But perhaps it is for the best. It is futile to be happy on this barren and torturous Earth when the wheel of time shall never cease its agonizing revolution, and the day shall come when we are naught but ashes in the..."

"BOO!"

Vincent turned around, and...could it be? Yes, it was her! His silly-billy honey-bunny fuzzy-wuzzy laffy-taffy achy-breaky Yuffie!

(AN: See? I told you there'd be shippiness! Aren't they so kawaii?)

"Honeybear!" Vincent exclaimed. "Where did you come from?"

Yuffie giggled. "Through the front door, silly. Guess what, Vinnie? I have a surprise for you!"

"As do I," said Vincent. "Look, I wrote you a poem, in honour of Valentine's Day!"

And he handed her a card with a teddy bear on the cover.

"Aww, Vinnie-winny baby-poo," said Yuffie, opening the card, "that's so sweet of...." The grin on her face faltered as she read the poem. "Wow, it's certainly...interesting. Um, what does 'nihilistic putrefaction' mean?"

"It's a metaphor for the way love devours my fragile heart like a..."

"That's really nice, baby-fuzzy-honey-wuvie-lovie-bee." Yuffie put it aside very quickly. "But don't you want to hear about my surprise? You see...I planned a romantic outing for us!"

Vincent let out a gasp. "Why, Yuffie-wuffie, you shouldn't have!"

Yuffie giggled. "But Vinny-winny, I can'ty-wanty helpy-welpy but do thingsie-wingsie to make you happy-wappy."

She paused for a few seconds to let the suspense build. Finally, she exclaimed: "We're going to the roller skating rink!"

"Roller skating?" Vincent blinked. "Yuffie-kins, not to be rude or anything, but you do know that I'm technically fifty-eight years old, don't you?"

"And there's more that," Yuffie continued, her eyes sparkling with glee. "After that, I bought us tickets to the petting zoo. Then, we're going to the ice cream parlour for supper. And finally, we'll hang out in the arcade a bit and play video games. Isn't that a great idea?"

Vincent smiled weakly. "Of course," he said. "Anything for my honeybear."

Step 12:

"Oh, Sephy-chan?"

Sephiroth's heart skipped a beat. Oh, no. It was her! That woman. The one who had...bad thoughts, no, not the bad thoughts! He didn't know why, but they always came whenever Tifa was around.

"What is it?" he whispered.
"I was just wondering if I could ask you for a favour."
Sephiroth whimpered. What foul deed would that woman make him do?
"Can you watch my Fire materia for a second?" Tifa dug into her purse and pulled out her mastered materia. "I have to go to...to the, uh...to the...thing."
Sephiroth heaved a sigh of relief. He had been expecting her to ask him to do something along the lines of sacrificing kittens to Jenova. "Sure," he said. "No problem."

"Good," she said. "Oh, and while you're at it, could you watch my machete, my ten-gallon container of kerosene, my flamethrower, my axe, my guillotine, my iron maiden, my katana, and my submachine gun?"

Sephiroth stared at her, speechless, as Tifa dumped an arsenal large enough to destroy a small city on the table.

"Thanks," said Tifa. "By the way, Fuzzykins the rabbit and Blossom the squirrel are in the basement. Alone. Defenceless." She bolted out of the kitchen, leaving Sephiroth alone with the pile of weapons on the table, but not before glancing behind her and giving him a knowing look.

Step 9:

"Isn't it such a nice view, Cloud?" exclaimed Aeris, holding his hand as they sat together in the gondola. "It was so thoughtful of Jycei to plan this outing at the Golden Saucer for us."

"I agree," uttered Cloud fervently, "she's such a wonderful young woman. It was a lucky day when she showed up at our door. Even though she's new to the group, she has fit in perfectly, and surpassed us all in every virtue known to mankind. Isn't she so sweet...and so beautiful? She's so unnaturally beautiful; why, I don't think I've ever seen a woman as attractive as her."

He ran a finger through his thick blond hair, as beautiful as fine-spun gold, and smiled, his handsome, gorgeous smile as sweet as honey, his beautiful Mako eyes, as blue as the sky on a cloudless day, glowing with an ethereal light, his silver Buster sword glinting in the moonlight. He touched her face and held me, his arms so powerful and yet so tender, and I almost melted. In that instant, watching her boyfriend, Aeris wondered why someone so perfect was wasting his time with her, when he could have someone so much better.

Step 12:

"Why, Sephy-chan," said Tifa. "What a pleasant surprise. How are you?"

Sephiroth looked up from the fashion magazine that he had been flipping through to face the repulsive, monstrous woman who had addressed him. "Much better, thank you. Yesterday, Jycei and I went-"

"Fascinating. So," Tifa cut in, drowning out Sephiroth's story, "just out of curiosity, have you read any good books lately?"

Sephiroth thought about it for an instant. "Well, I did read this excellent article in YM about exfoliating your pores--you might want to look at it. It might help clear up your terrible acne-"

"I'll check it out later. It's just that I read this fantastic book that you would just love!" She reached into her backpack and pulled out a paperback. "It's called Mein Kampf, by Adolf Hitler. It has some very interesting ideas in there that you might enjoy."

"Wow," said Sephy, a little mystified, as he took the book from her hand and slipped it into the pocket of his bathrobe. "That's...that's unusually thoughtful of you. Thank you."

Tifa smiled. "It's no problem. Oh, and when you're done with that, I have another book for you. By someone called the Marquis de Sade." Her eyes gleamed with something altogether unpleasant. "I suggest you read the more intimate scenes very carefully."

Sephiroth stared at her blankly. "Uh...thanks for the recommendation." Grabbing his magazine, he began to walk away.

"Wait," Tifa called after him desperately, fumbling through her bag. "Come back! I've got more!" There was a wild gleam in her eyes. "Would you rather read The Anarchist Cookbook?" She charged at Sephiroth, who had lingered for a second too long at the door and was now deeply regretting it. He bolted. "The Art of War? The Prince?" Gasping, as she watched Sephiroth turn the corner, she slumped forward, clutching her sides to catch her breath. "Come on," she pleaded, in one last-ditch effort. "What about Catcher in the Rye?"

Step 9:

"Aww, my little fuzzy-wuzzy teddy bear," cooed Vincent to Yuffie. "Isn't she such an itty-bitty baby?"

"Thank you so much for going roller skating with me," said Yuffie. "You're such a sweetie pie, my widdle Vincent."

"Please," said Vincent solemnly. "'Vincent' is much too cold and formal a name to come from lips as sweet as thine own. Call me 'Vinnie-poo' instead. And romance is all about compromise, no? I would gladly go to the ends of the earth a hundred times just to see you smile. Besides, at least now we're doing something we can both enjoy. Now, pass me the shovel."

"Right away, Vinnie-poo!" replied Yuffie. And the two of them dumped more earth into Vincent's coffin, which was now lined with a layer of dirt two inches thick.

Step 9:

Jycellaemynthia's topaz orbs sparkled in delight as she gazed into Sephiroth's emerald eyes. The two lovers sat by the lake as they ate their meal.

"My beloved Sephiroth," she cried, "how wonderful it is to enjoy this wonderful picnic by your side! You, and your beautiful eyes, and your kind soul, and your...your...what is it, again?"

"You flatter me, dearest," whispered Sephiroth, as he spread peanut butter on a slice of bread. "Oh, Jycei, just being with you brings joy to my heart. Why does someone as wonderful as you stay with a horrible monster like me?"

"Don't be ridiculous," she gasped, scandalized. "Sure, there are so many hotter guys I could be dating right now...including guys who are the main characters in their franchises...but you're my soul mate. Now come here, my darling."

As she leaned in for an ardent kiss, overcome with primal lust, aching for the touch and taste of his body, her breath coming in frantic pants, her turbulent breasts heaving, her heart racing madly from the heat of her passion, she began to unbutton her...

Ahem.

She held Sephiroth's hand. (AN: I don't like you, Evil Mina!)

Yeah, yeah. The feeling is mutual.

Step 21 (Foreshadowing):

Barret sat in his office in the city of North Corel, poring over a thick document. He sighed. Being the mayor of North Corel was a lot of work, and it left him with hardly any time to take care of Marlene.

If you're wondering why Barret is suddenly the mayor of North Corel, well...five chapters ago, a giant plot hole attacked the city of Kalm and swallowed Barret's weapon shop.

He was interrupted by the clamorous beeping of his PHS. Putting his paperwork aside, he fumbled to find the device in his pocket. He retrieved it and pressed the Answer button.

"Yo, foo'," he expounded politically and correctly. "'Sup, homies? Foo's, you be talkin' to Barret Wallace."

"Barret. Long time no see."

At the sound of the familiar voice, Barret smiled. It was nice to speak to old friends again. "Reeve!" he cried. "Foo', I been missin' you. How you doin'?"

"I'm fine." Reeve sounded as cool and professional as always. "Just been busy. It's not easy rebuilding the largest city in the world, and organizing...a parade."
"Foo', you talkin' 'bout dat Midgar Parade thing?"
"Why, of course! What other parade would be happening? Of course it's the Midgar Parade, the one that we're organizing to commemorate AVALANCHE's defeat of Sephiroth almost two years ago. I think it'll be an excellent way of raising the morale of the people. Just imagine: hundreds of floats from all around the world. Flowers and decorations everywhere, bringing life and colour to this wreck of a city for the first time in two years--a symbol of rebirth! This will be something to tell our grandchildren about."
Barret chuckled. "Boy, dis MIDGAR PARADE sure sounds like fun! Foo', when is dat gonna be?"
"Well," Reeve said, "it's tentatively scheduled for June 25th, which, coincidentally, will fall on the anniversary of Aeris's resurrection, and which, also coincidentally, will fall on the date when all the planets in the solar system align, a solar eclipse occurs, and a higher-than-average concentration of Mako energy is predicted to congregate in Midgar. That's why I called, by the way. I'm contacting mayors from cities around the world to see if they can provide floats. I'm hoping for this to become a huge international event."
"Foo', dat's da bomb! North Corel will build something fo' sho for the MIDGAR PARADE."
"That's wonderful! I can't wait to see what you pull off. But there was another reason I called." Reeve's voice became very grave. "I'm concerned as to whether we'll have enough security for the event. Our forces are spread thin, after all."
"Absolutely! Imagine, foo', if something bad happened at da MIDGAR PARADE."
"Very astute, Barret. We wouldn't want the huge climax of an epic fanfic to happen at the MIDGAR PARADE, would we?"
"No, foo'. That'd be terrible! Nope, you better be careful, just in case a bad guy shows up at the MIDGAR PARADE. Foo', I'll send some of my peeps as backup."
"Excellent idea, Barret. I hope to see you there. Good bye."

Barret reached to press the Disconnect button. "Bye, Ree-"

"Oh," said Reeve. "Sorry, I almost forgot to tell you.  MIDGAR PARADE!" There was a click on the other end of the line.

(AN: Hmm, could this be important later? Wait and see ;) .)

Step 12:

"MWAHAHA!" cackled Tifa maniacally. "Aeris won't be so attractive to Cloud when she's bald! Reno, pass the Chocobo Sage's Handy-Dandy Hair-Removal Cream!"

"But what happened to your evil plan to tempt Sephiroth? Rude wasted valuable resources trying to smuggle all those weapons and rare books to Costa del Sol-"

"Oh, I still haven't given up on that plan," she said. "Last night I left the Necronomicon under his pillow. I've also rented some old horror movies and tried to get him to watch them--you know, in case it'll jog his memory. But hey, who says I can't multitask?"

"So what's the plan this time, Tifa?" Reno handed her the large container of cream that she had asked for.

"That's easy. I'll coat my hands with this Chocobo Sage stuff, and then rub them on the doorknob to Aeris's room." And Tifa greedily plunged both hands into the plastic jar, smothering them with thick, goopy white cream the consistency of oatmeal. "When she opens the door to her room, she'll get some of it on her hands. And this cream is so strong that later tonight, when she touches her hair to let down her braids before going to sleep...BAM!" She punched her fist triumphantly in the air. The cream container almost slipped out of her hands, which were now greasy (well, greasier than usual! BURN!) due to the fact that they were coated in a layer of cream. "No more beautiful chestnut locks for her, no more sweet Cetra charm, and best of all, no more Cloud!"

Reno raised an eyebrow. "Tifa, no offence, but are you sure that this is the easiest way to go about this?"

"Ha ha ha, Reno, that's what I like about you. What a sense of humour! I spent over 200 gil on this hair removal cream, and it's guaranteed to work. Really," she said, as she absently scratched her head, "what could possibly go wrong?"

Step 9:

"Oh, Jycellaemynthia, the love of my life," Sephiroth cooed fervently anthropomorphically philosophically loudly. "You're looking so beautiful today." He reached for her tender hand and clutched it in his own.

Jycellaemynthia thought she would melt as she stared at the blond former mercenary with the cocky grin and...looked up at Sephiroth and smiled.
"Thanks," she said coolly.

Step 9:

"Hey, Aeris," Cloud proclaimed compulsively and incandescently. "How about you and me take a romantic walk along the beach?"

No, you did that seventeen chapters ago.

"How about I take you to bowling?"

"Okay," said Aeris irritatingly. "Let's go!" She turned her dull, boring, ordinary green eyes toward that specimen of manhood, that handsome rogue with the golden hair that shone in dazzling radiance like a jewellery box or a line plagiarized from a Mills and Boon book, who grinned at her, and it was as if the clouds had parted to reveal the sun at dawn. He extended a muscular, chiselled arm and grasped my slender wrist, sending electric thrills racing down my spinal chord and making my heart pound quicker, to lead...Aeris to the bowling alley.

Step 12:

"Good morning, Sephy!"

Sephiroth put down his spoon and looked up. "Hello, T-t-t-ifa," he stammered. He still had trouble bringing himself to say that name. "What happened to your hair?"

"Never mind that," she snapped, covering her bald spots with her hand. "So, um...are you feeling any differently today?"

"Not to my knowledge."

"Mm-hmm," she said, observing him very closely. "Are you...sure? No urge to invade Poland and commit genocide? To sacrifice people to Cthulhu? To hack innocent teenagers to death with a chainsaw? To write REDRUM in blood on the walls?"

Sephiroth returned her gaze with a blank stare. Tifa pressed on. "After all, 'all work and no play makes Sephy a dull boy!'"

"I...don't think so," he mumbled, clearly confused.

"You're not feeling any more...evil, are you?" Tifa looked at him as if she were expecting him to sprout wings at any moment.

Sephiroth pulled out his chair. "Um...no. I haven't felt evil for a long time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I promised to meet Jycei at nine-thirty."

And leaving his unfinished bowl of cereal on the table, he walked away at a brisk pace, ignoring Tifa's screams of, "Wait, don't you want to read my copy of the Satanic Bible?"

Step 16:

"Boy, it sure is a nice day out, isn't it?" said Red XIII.
"Shut the &#&# up and &#&#ing answer me. Do you &#&#ing have any &#&#ing queens?"
Red XIII sighed. "No," he stated, "Go Fish."
Cid scowled as he picked up a card. "&#&#, why couldn't we &#&#ing play poker instead?"
The cat that rested perpetually atop of Cait Sith's head smirked. "Just because you suck at this game, doesn't mean we all do."

Step 9:

"So," said Sephiroth to Jycei. "Do you want to go shopping?"

Seven chapters ago.

"Fishing?"

Ten chapters ago.

"To Mars?"

You wrote a separate side-story two months ago, entitled "Shimmering Ode to the Glorious Cosmos on the Wings of an Angel," telling the tale of our two lovers' journey across the galaxy in a teacup. It got three reviews.

Sephiroth sat in silence for a long time, deep in thought. Finally, his face lit up. "Ooh, I know what we can do!" he exclaimed, extending his hand to Jycellaemynthia. "We can h-"
"All right, HERE!" Jycei screeched. She violently reached forward and yanked Sephiroth's hand. "Are you happy?"
Sephiroth smiled contentedly. "Wow, honey, it's as if you read my mind!"
And for a few blissful seconds, they held hands in silence.
"Um...Jycei-chan, you're hurting me."
Jycellaemynthia scowled, and did not lessen her harsh grip on Sephiroth's fingers.

Step 9:

"Jycei...do you want to go to the...to the..."

"No," said Jycellaemynthia coldly.

Step 9:

"So, what's up?" grunted Sephiroth.

Jycellaemynthia shrugged. "Not much."

Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever. Not even true love.

a) Dump its ass: Trust me, no one will notice or care. By this point, you've already lost all of your readers.

But Jycellaemynthia never quits! She is a deeply loyal girlfriend to her masterpiece, and she would never abandon it just because she can't think of any more adjectives to describe Sephiroth's hair.

b) Add some spice to your relationship: Think of it as relationship counselling. There is something bothering you about your fic. Perhaps it is the fact that you would much rather be holding Cloud's hand than Sephiroth's. Perhaps it is the lack of actual plot development. Either way, it's time for a change.

"Oh, Aeris, dear?" Cloud whispered meekly, trembling in terror. "I bought you flowers, and a box of chocolates! Is that enough for you?"
"Oh, shut up!" screamed (hideous and overweight) Aeris, spraying flecks of spittle into Cloud's face as she spoke. "Start cleaning my room. But wait, first give me a back massage. And I need a new car. Go and buy me one."
"But darling," Cloud protested, as he leaned over and began to massage his girlfriend's hunched, deformed, filthy back. "I just bought you two cars, a mansion in Wutai, three airships, a seventeen million-carat diamond ring, and Mount Nibel. I don't have any money left in my bank account!"
"Quit your whining," she snapped. "I want a red car this time. I don't care, steal it if you have to! Just GO!" As Cloud sprinted out the door, Aeris threw a nightstand after him, barely missing his head.

"Oh," Cloud lamented to himself later on. "Why is Aeris so cruel? If only there were a beautiful, kind, and loving woman who would nurture my frail ego and treat me with respect."

Just then, as if the gods themselves had heard his prayer, the most beautiful, kind, and loving woman in the world walked through the hallway. She had long, luxurious auburn tresses, soulful obsidian orbs, curves in all the right places, and the fairest skin he had ever seen. And as it just so happened, she was single, as Sephy-chan had just committed suicide two hours ago due to his overwhelming remorse, and she was already on the hunt for a new boyfriend.

"Jycellaemynthia," whispered Cloud. "I think I love..."

NO! Just what do you think you're doing? Back away from the computer this instant! This is not called "How to Write a Jycellaemynthia Wish Fulfillment Fic". You resurrected Aeris for a reason. You are going to keep this a Cloris fic, whether you like it or not! You're already contradicting canon enough for ten fanfics. Why do you think I'm going to let you contradict your own canon?

What I meant by "changes" is that it's time to break with the formula for a bit. Yes, it's time for you to resolve some of those loose plot threads we were talking about!

Next part: Tifa gets busted, happy endings, and pretending that you've seen Advent Children.

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~Evil Mina