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Step 20: The Art of Twisting Canon to Suit Your Needs
So we've established that Sephiroth is no longer a bad guy. We've also established that Tifa is evil and without redeeming qualities. Case closed. No need to make it any more obvious that Tifa sucks, right? Ha ha, haven't you learned anything yet? There's no such thing as too obvious. People might not have figured out that in spite of the numerous FMV scenes in the game in which Sephiroth hacks innocent bystanders to bits, and in spite of all the times Tifa comforts Cloud and acts sympathetically toward the other members of the party, Tifa is the real villain of the game. True, these doubters are usually known as diehard canon nerds--in other words, the demographic that you are least interested in reaching with your Aeris Resurrection Fic--and their opinions don't matter, but still, you want your fic to be universally loved by all, don't you? Therefore, in order to appease these canon nerds, you must make it seem as if all of your revelations about Tifa's character are supported by canon. There's just one problem: you don't have any experience twisting canon around, because you usually just completely ignore it. All of your fanfics are based on a version of Final Fantasy VII that exists only in your head, in which there is a scene where Sephiroth breaks down and cries, Tifa pushes Cloud into the Lifestream, Vincent slits his wrists and listens to Linkin Park, and the gang goes to high school together. But fear not, there are countless anti-Tifa sites out there designed to find in-game evidence that Tifa is the Antichrist. Just rip off one of their theories. It was evening when Tifa walked along the beach. Now and then, she would look around and check to make sure that she wasn't being followed. Finally, she found a bench close to Reno's popsicle stand. For a long time she sat there, giving shifty looks to all the passers-by. She cast a quick glance at her digital watch. 6:52, the display flashed. One minute left. "Psst." Soon she would finally be rid of that pesky Ancient. But oh, why did Jycella-what's-her-name have to revive Sephiroth? Now people were going to be asking some awkward questions. And if Sephy talked, she would be in a load of... "Psst, Tifa!" Tifa cast a furtive glance to her left. A man in a fedora, dark shades, and a trench coat sat beside her on the bench, his face hidden behind a newspaper.
"Say the code!" she whispered. "Good," said Tifa. "We could use all the help we can get. Now that Sephiroth is back, we have to strike now, or I'll lose Cloud forever. "I still don't get it," said Reno. "Why would Sephiroth prevent you from killing Aeris..." "Shh!" Tifa hissed. She placed a finger to her mouth. "Not so loud. People may be listening. "You see, Sephiroth knows the truth about me. He knows that the reason I lied about Cloud's memories was because I wanted to mislead Cloud into thinking that we were close friends when we were younger and to win his love. He knows I tried to drive Cloud crazy by drugging his coffee and that I planted subliminal messages into Cloud's head at night to make him attack Aeris, since Sephiroth sensed that Jenova's hold on Cloud would grow stronger whenever I was with him. He told Cloud the truth about me right before he fell into the Lifestream, but I bribed the doctor in Mideel to poison Cloud with a drug that would make him lose his memory, and pretend that it was Mako poisoning. He also knows about my stint as a prostitute in Nibelheim, because when he was running around setting fire to the town under Jenova's orders, he walked in on...um, yeah." She turned a bit pink. Reno snickered. "Heh heh, it's too bad I missed that...OW!" "That's why he stabbed me in the Mako power plant--not because he was evil, but because he wanted to prevent the spread of venereal diseases. But there's more," she continued. "You see, that night when Aeris died...well, I gave Sephiroth an anonymous phone call on his PHS tipping him off that Aeris would be there at the altar that night." Reno gasped, clutching his now swollen cheek. "No way," he said. "Yes," said Tifa. "And I'm sure he recognized my voice. Sephiroth failed to save Cloud from me. And oh, I was so close to making Cloud mine. I even tried to seduce Cloud under the Highwind. But Cloud got the Low Affection version of the scene, and he rejected me. "And now, that Aeris!" Tifa spat as she said the Cetra's name. "Who would've thought that something like love could overcome death twice? Her and Sephiroth are both back to spite me." For a long time, Reno said nothing. Then he spoke quietly, with no trace of his familiar cocky drawl. "Teef, how come you're so desperate to get Cloud, anyway? It's not like you even like him that much." "That's not the point!" Tifa snapped. "Cloud is...well, I have to get him! He's mine! I want him. I always get what I want. MINE MINE MINE!!!" She screamed the last part in Reno's face. "Okay, I get the point," mumbled Reno, wincing. "But...you can't force someone to love you. Maybe you should lower your standards a bit." (AN: Like maybe settle for a baboon! BURN!!!) "NO! Tifa never lowers her standards. NEVER! I won't settle for second best." Reno sighed. For a while, he was silent. Then he broke into a grin. "But then again...I'm getting six months' worth of free drinks out of this deal! So hey, if you feel like killing Aeris and Sephiroth over some guy you don't care either way about, I'm in, as long as you're paying." "Now you're talking, Reno!" cried Tifa. "So help me brainstorm a way to kill Sephiroth." "Um...Tifa?" "What now?" "Don't you think that killing Sephiroth will be a lot more difficult than killing Aeris?" "Right...that annoying Supernova attack...you have a good point there. All right, plan B. Help me brainstorm a way to silence Sephiroth. " Reno furrowed his brow. "You could do what we used to do in the Turks when we want someone to keep his mouth shut: find out some secret from his past and blackmail him to keep quiet." Tifa shook her head. "What has Sephiroth done that he doesn't want the others to know about? They already know that he's a mass murderer, that he tried to blow up the world, and that he listens to Hilary Duff and practices yoga. He's an open book." "Too bad," muttered Reno. They sat there for a few minutes, straining their brains to find a solution. "Oh, this is hopeless!" shouted Tifa finally. "How are we supposed to convince Sephiroth not to say a word about what I did to Cloud and Aeris? Now that he's good, he'll want to warn them about me-" "That's it!" Reno cried out, jumping up in excitement. A short woman in a bathing suit passing by gave him a strange look. Reno sat down. "That's it," he whispered in Tifa's ear. "So Sephiroth would only tell the others they shouldn't trust you because he's looking out for their best interests, right? But what if he stopped looking out for their best interests?" Tifa looked at Reno so intensely that the latter grew uncomfortable and looked away, his face red. "Go on," she said. "Well," Reno continued, "if Sephiroth were evil, or at the very least, under Jenova's power, he wouldn't care if you were trying to kill his friends. So all we need to do is convince him to...return to his old ways." Tifa looked up, an evil glint in her dark red eyes. "You mean, a relapse?" she whispered, looking very much like a kid at a candy store. "Exactly. I mean, from how you described him on the phone, it's clear the guy is pretty fragile emotionally. All we have to do is tempt him, and he'll be easy prey." A small smile crossed Tifa's lips. "True," she said. "It might be difficult--in fact, out of all the possible ways to convince Sephiroth to keep my past a secret, it's probably the most difficult to execute, ill-conceived, stupid idea we could have come up with--but the satisfaction of seeing a good soul turned evil will make it worth it." They looked at each other and grinned, and raised their hands in the air as if they were toasting imaginary drinks. "To the death of Aeris!" shouted Tifa. "To the corruption of Sephiroth!" answered Reno. "To Cloud's hot body!" Tifa shouted in return. "To evil!" they called out together. And their mad cackles rang out throughout Costa del Sol, causing more than a few people reclining on the beach to mutter about those crazy teenagers who were always coming here and making such a racket. Step 21: Not-So-Subtle Foreshadowing Now that your fic is turning into a collection of random vignettes, your readers might be getting a little nervous. "Where is this fic going?" they wonder. "How did we get from an Aeris Resurrection Fic to a Corruption-of-Sephiroth Fic? Could the illustrious Jycellaemynthia really be pulling this entire epic out of her ass?" They are, of course, 100% right, but that's another story. You want them to think that you do, in fact, know how this is going to end. So how do you create this illusion? With a little something known as foreshadowing. Contrary to what you might have heard about foreshadowing in English class, it is in no way a literary device used to hint at something that you know will happen later in the story. And you know why? Writers never actually know what will happen later in the story. Epic plots are never, ever planned out in advance. However, you may use foreshadowing as a way to think of what to do next. For example, do you really think that the writers of Final Fantasy VII had any idea that Cloud's memories were false until the middle of Disc 2? All of those things hinting at this major plot twist, such as the soldier on the truck's motion sickness, the "is that a SOLDIER uniform?" line, Cloud's similarity in mannerisms and history to Aeris's boyfriend, and "Cloud's" casual reaction to his mother's death, were just coincidences. See, they wanted to make this game seem like some complicated psychological study, so they threw in voices in Cloud's head that rambled on about Tifa knowing more than she let on. Then they decided to make Tifa really know more than she let on. Yes, Tolstoy, Tolkien, J.K. Rowling, every other writer of a novel the size of telephone book who has ever existed, and your English teacher are all part of a top-secret global conspiracy, designed to crush your dreams of becoming a successful writer and possibly competing with them for book sales in a few years. How do I know all this? Well, I have a membership card that lets me into meetings of their secret society (because of course, nineteen-year-old Engineering students are all on first name bases with the literary giants of our time). They don't want you to know that only mundane and average people need to resort to such things as planning and outlines and editing. No, you're better off making up your fic as you go along to give it a spontaneous, whimsical feeling. Trust me, the muses will never let you flounder. They will always inspire you when you're stuck in a rut and help you resolve loose plot threads. In fact, if you're really in tune with voices of the muses, I suggest you type your whole fanfic with your eyes closed and randomly press letters on your keyboard; the muses will guide your fingers to form the words that will create your next jarring plot twist--kind of like a Ouija board. But I digress. Here are some tips on foreshadowing: a) Be as vague as possible: This is a great way to pretend that you are deep and spiritual while at the same time not giving away any concrete clues of what is going to happen next. Simply have a character with psychic abilities refer to the Apocalypse and use cryptic words such as "spirit," "energy," "power," "rebirth," and "awakening." Even if, in a worst-case scenario, these words end up having nothing to do with your plot, you can claim that you were invoking some cryptic religious symbolism or quoting an obscure passage from the Bible or the Kabbalah. b) Don't worry about the likelihood of whatever you're foreshadowing coming true: At the risk of sounding pretentious, let me quote Chekhov on foreshadowing: "One must put a loaded rifle on the stage even if no one is thinking of firing it." (Yes, that is exactly what he said. Your book must have a misprint.) In other words, don't worry if you throw in a hint or clue that doesn't hint at anything that will actually happen; you can just say that you deliberately threw in a red herring or two to make your surprising plot twist all the more surprising. Now, perhaps you are a mere Tifa Valentine, and you succumbed to weakness by (gasp) planning something. Maybe you had a long day, you let your guard down for a second, your mind began to wander, and then you remembered that you were in the process of writing a fanfic. Then all of a sudden, in spite of your best efforts, you accidentally thought of a scene you might want to use in a few chapters from now. I really hope that C doesn't apply to you, because your fic is henceforth doomed to mediocrity, but just in case: c) Do NOT be subtle: If for some strange reason you have actually resorted to thinking (shame on you!), then on the contrary, you must be as direct as possible. Since you know for sure that whatever you're foreshadowing is going to happen, you might as well rub it in everyone's face. This way, when your not-so-subtle hint turns out to be 100% true, people will look back and say, "Wow, Jycellaemynthia used foreshadowing in this chapter. She's a literary genius." Your readers won't be able to figure out that you're using foreshadowing unless you cram it down their throats. Example of foreshadowing: The Costa del Sol Villa gang gathered together in the dining room, and they all sat around the table, eagerly awaiting their food--for Jycellaemynthia had volunteered to cook supper today. Sure enough, she had prepared a delicious meal. As they enjoyed the feast, they all marvelled at Jycei's cooking, and even Tifa had found nothing to criticize, and was greedily devouring seconds and thirds (AN: No wonder she's so morbidly obese! Do you want some ice for that BURN!). "Just a minute," chirped the chef, as she bustled about, pouring people coffee and salting their food. She disappeared into the kitchen to take a serving of mashed potatoes out of the oven. "You'll love this new recipe! I-" Her voice broke off. There was a loud crash. The others ran into the kitchen. There they saw Jycellaemynthia writhing and thrashing on the floor as if she were suffering from a seizure. "Jycei," screamed Sephiroth. He rushed over to his true love and began to shake her. "My darling, are you okay? Answer me!" "Ohhh..." Jycei groaned. "Something...bad...coming." "Don't worry, nothing bad's going to happen," said Cloud. "Sacrifices...parade...evil...ohhh..." "I don't follow," said Aeris. "Parade...parade...it will happen..." "What parade?" pressed Cloud. "What about a parade?" "The Midgar Parade, you morons!" snapped Jycei, her voice suddenly very alert for someone in a trance. "It will happen at the Midgar Parade! Duh!" Then her eyes rolled back into her head and her voice became mystical and ethereal once more. "The...evil...resurfaces...twins...roses...rebirth...leprechauns...Genesis...marshmallows..." "Can you hear me, darling?" whispered Sephiroth anxiously. "Speak to me!" "The second war shall begin..." Then Jycellaemynthia stood up and brushed the mashed potatoes off her skirt, as casually as if nothing had happened. She smiled cheerfully. "Oh, darn it," she said. "The mashed potatoes are all ruined. Oh, well. So who wants more coffee?" Next Part: How to write pointless filler chapters, more pointless filler, even more pointless filler, relationship counselling, and really horrible metaphors. ~Evil Mina |