Stanley the Steak Knife lived in a roomy new kitchen drawer, with his true love Sally the Sexy Salad Tongs. Stanley hated humans, because they were so hard to maim, but he didn't mind they liked roomy drawers for their utensils.
One night, Stanley and Sally were watching their favourite television show, "Leave it to the Meat Cleaver" when in burst the kitchen police shouting, "Steak Knives don't watch re-runs of Leave it to the Meat Cleaver when they are wanted for questioning over the death of Barry the Butter Knife!"
So Sally, feeling a little confused but with her tongs clipped on, called the local utensil lawyer.
THE END.
Stanley the Steak Knife lived at the Kitchen Police Headquarters, trying to explain why he had a bottle of nitrohydrochloric acid in the back of his roomy new drawer - the same acid used to kill Barry the Butter Knife. Stanley hated humans, because they were so hard to maim, and he wasn't very fond of the Kitchen Police either.
A few hours later, the Kitchen Police charged Stanley with Barry's murder on the night of the dinner party he had with his friends, and an emotional Sally shouted, "Steak Knives Don't murder butter knives on the night they are having a dinner party with friends!"
So Stanley - feeling a little deaf - was released with bail set at $50,000 by Magistrate Fork.
So Sally, feeling a little broke, went home alone.
THE END.
Stanley the Steak Knife lived in the Kitchen Police Watch House, suspected of murdering Barry the Butter Knife by tossing nitrohydrochloric acid over him before a dinner party - instantly dissolving him! Stanley hated humans because they were so hard to maim, and police discovered he wasn't fond of Barry either, after a nasty fight the two had over who had the rights to poke the butter balls.
One day, Stanley was going to his committal hearing when a loud explosion, then a roar came from behind. It was Sally the Sexy Salad Tongs armed with an active and very noisy garbage disposal unit. Utensils fled for their lives as Sally grabbed Stanley and shouted, "Steak Knives don't go to committal hearings when their true love comes to break them out!"
So Sally and Stanley, adrenaline-charged, became fugitives.
THE END
Stanley the Steak Knife, lived with Sally the Sexy Salad Tongs in a makeshift hideout, on the run from the Kitchen Police and armed with a garbage disposal unit. Sally hated the Kitchen Police, because they thought Stanley killed some stupid little butter knife when he didn't. Stanley didn't like anyone at the moment, because he had faith in the legal system and Sally did not.
One day, Stanley and Sally visited Brenda the Buxom Blender hoping she would help them, but instead Brenda told them (very loudly too), "Steak Knives don't come to buxom blenders who never wanted to see him messing around with Salad Tongs in the first place!"
So Sally, angered by feeling deaf and betrayed by her best friend, attacked Brenda with the garbage disposal unit! Brenda hit back, taking off her lid, turning herself on, and chopping Sally's tongs into little bits!
So Stanley, shocked by the violent scene of broken glass and plastic before him, ran back to his hideout.
THE END.
Stanley the Steak Knife lived in his roomy kitchen drawer with his battered partner Sally after he got out of the charge of murder of Barry the Butter Knife by proving the inspector from the Kitchen Police liked potato peelers (bleah)! Stanley hated humans, because they were so hard to maim, but everybody hates potato peelers. Sally was not charged for threatening utensils with an active garbage disposal unit, because the kitchen police didn't know which part of her to charge since there were bits of her everywhere.
One day, Stanley took his battered, broken Sally to the plastic surgeon to get glued up, when a large fat man stopped the procedure by shouting, "Steak Knives don't let their formerly sexy salad tongs get glued up by a shonky plastic surgeon who uses wood glue!"
So Stanley, feeling a little deaf and gypped, watched his beloved but beyond-repair salad tongs get thrown in the trash.
THE END.
All Stories by Paul Ewing 1995
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