Stanley the Steak Knife lived with his battered, broken and now dirty Sally the Salad Tongs in the kitchen, in the bottom drawer third along after the dishwasher, so nobody would know he had rescued Sally from the trash. Stanley hated humans, because they were so hard to maim, and boy did he wish they separated their plastics from their prophylactic devices when they threw out trash.
One day, Stanley was furiously writing his memoirs on all the exciting things he had done over the past six months, when a big fat publisher called him up and shouted, "Steak Knives don't write memoirs on all the exciting things they did over the past six months!"
So Stanley, after cutting the line and feeling a little deaf, decided life as a stripper would be the only way to pay for glue to stick Sally back together.
THE END.
Stanley the Steak Knife lived in the local red light district, because it was such a progressive place. Stanley hated humans, because they were so hard to maim, and all this red light made him want to develop some photos.
One day, Stanley was lathering up getting ready for a show with an exotic cookie jar, when Brenda the Buxom Blender burst in shouting, "Weedy looking steak knives don't do shows for slightly battered blenders and their friends when we really wanted to see big meat cleavers!"
So Stanley, feeling a little deaf and scared of a hostile audience, went to strip for Pete the Painter, but even he shouted, "Steak Knives don't make very good paint strippers!"
So Stanley feeling completely deaf and useless, pawned himself.
THE END.
Stanley the Steak Knife lived in a new kitchen because that what pawning does to you, but at least starting anew made him look sharp. Stanley hated humans because they were so hard to maim, and because one had taken all of Sally's bits to the national gallery as part of the artists "Kitchen Deconstructed and Chopped up in a Blender" series.
One day, Stanley was getting stuck into a delicious T-bone steak, when a great big hungry fat person shouted, "Hey this Steak Knife can't cut this delicious T-bone steak!"
So Stanley, feeling not-so-new afterall, was thrown into the trash. His plastic handle was last seen sticking out of the ground at the local rubbish tip.
THE END.
All Stories by Paul Ewing 1995
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