Stanley the Steak Knife lived in a box, because the kitchen was being renovated at the time. Stanley hated humans, because they were so hard to maim, but glad they were stupid enough to spare no expense on their kitchens every few years.
One day, Stanley was meeting Sally the Sexy Salad Tongs for a rendevous in the sink - but she didn't show! Only a big fat carpenter was there to shout at him, "Steak knives don't worry about a rendevous with a sexy pair of salad tongs!"
So Stanley, feeling a little deaf and worried, went home.
The End.
Stanley the Steak Knife still lived in a box because they ran out of money to finish the kitchen. Stanley hated humans, because they were so hard to maim, and they really needed to budget better.
One day, Stanley was looking at all the things in a box to be pawned, when he noticed this included the container which kept all the salad things, and a sexy pair of salad tongs! Stanley tried to get in the box, but a large creditor shouted at him, "Steak knives shouldn't be in the box with all the things about to be pawned!"
So Stanley, feeling a little deaf and alone, went home.
THE END.
Stanley the Steak Knife lived in a cardboard box because there was no other place to go since the kitchen was a mess and all the salad utensils were gone. Stanley hated humans, because they were so hard to maim and definitely because they didn't eat enough salads.
One day, Stanley was in Petunia's Pawnshop, looking for a sexy pair of salad tongs, when the large pawnbroker went up to him and shouted, "Steak knives don't go to pawnshops looking for sexy salad tongs!"
So Stanley, feeling a little deaf, and revising his opinions on people called Petunia, went home.
THE END.
Stanley the Steak Knife still lived in the cardboard box, because the owners didn't have the credit rating to get finance to complete the kitchen renovations. Stanley hated humans, because they were so hard to maim, and they had a far too disposable lifestyle - which saw Stanley's true love Sally the Sexy Salad Tongs pawned for some desperate cash.
One night, Stanley was skulking about the second-hand shops looking for his salad tongs, when he saw Sally! She was packaged ever-so nicely with an earthenware bowl. He was about to buy her back (with the bowl) when the large volunteer behind the counter shouted, "Steak knives don't buy a sexy pair of salad tongs packaged with a very nice earthenware bowl!"
So Stanley, feeling a little deaf, and very very frustrated went home.
THE END
Stanley the steak knife lived in a makeshift box, neatly tucked away underneath the snazzy table cloth while the kitchen renovations started up again. Stanley hated humans, because they are so hard to maim, and they had rather unusual means of getting money.
One day, Stanley was moping about in the box with all the spices, when an ever-so nicely packaged earthenware bowl and pair of sexy salad tongs fell on top of him. Ooof! "Steak knives shouldn't have to go through all the pain of losing a sexy pair of salad tongs!" the sexy voice whispered.
So Stanley, feeling a little sore, but very very happy, did not go home that night.
THE END.
Stanley the Steak Knife lived in a tent, because camping seemed like fun at the time. Stanley hated humans, because they are so hard to maim, and have so many rough-it ideas, when renovations force them out of home.
One morning, Stanley woke up next to Sally the Sexy Salad Tongs on a log (which was acting as a makeshift cutlery drainer) and gave her an egg poaching ring. A very blushed Sally exclaimed, "Steak knives don't always offer sexy salad tongs an egg poaching ring!"
So Stanley, feeling very pleased with himself, but unsure of Sally's response, went home.
THE END.
Stanley the Steak Knife lived in the dining room, since the kitchen was getting fitted with the swish new drawers. Stanley hated humans, because they were so hard to maim, but he was grateful they could be swish.
One day, Stanley and Sally celebrated their engagement with dinner party inviting all their friends, when an uninvited Barry the Butter-Knife stumbled in on the guests and collapsed in front of them - dead!
"Butter knives don't just stumble in uninvited, collapse and die!" shouted Stanley.
"This one does," replied Sally.
So all the guests, feeling dazed and confused - went home (after giving their statements to the Kitchen Police).
THE END
Stanley the Steak Knife lived in the bathroom because that was where David the Dishmop was having the bachelor party (a real frivolity including entertainment by Carol the Crusty Bred Roll). Stanley hated humans, because they were so hard to maim, but couldn't resist the odd bread roll...
That night at the hen's night for Sally the Sexy Salad tongs, Larry the Leafy Lettuce was showing Sally a great time, when her best friend Brenda the Buxom Blender went up to her and shouted, "Sexy Salad Tongs don't have a great time with a leafy lettuce!"
"This one does!" replied Sally.
So Stanley and Sally went home with secrets they dare not mention to each other.
THE END.
Stanley the Steak Knife lived in the sink, because David the Dishmop was helping him with the wedding preparations. Stanley didn't hate anyone, because he was getting married to Sally the Sexy Salad Tongs.
Stanley and Sally decided to marry at the commisary down the road with David the Dishmop best utensil and Colin the corkscrew as celebrant. All was going lovely until Colin asked for objections to the marriage when Larry the Lettuce and Carol the Crusty Bread Roll shouted out (almost in unison), "Steak knives don't marry a sexy pair of salad tongs!"
So Stanley and Sally, feeling a little deaf, decided a defacto relationship would be best and moved into one of the outer drawers in the newly refurbished kitchen.
THE *sigh* END
All Stories by Paul Ewing 1995 Return to the home page Go to the Sally Stories Go to the Silly Stories