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First draft: 

Norm Violation

    I was not just nervous as well scare. I asked my neighbor Laura (to) came along with me, but I did not tell her my project. I just told her I want to hang out the mall with her, and see there are any pretty dresses I can get. When we arrived shopping mall, my heart began to beat. We got off the car start walking forward front of the door of mall. The more close to the door, the faster my heartbeat. When we through the door my sunglass still on, by then I took my umbrella out of my purse and opened it. Laura dodged quickly in amazement, “Why do you open umbrella inside?” “Don’t be surprised, I just perform my homework. If I tell you before, you won’t come with me,” I said without stop. Laura is an American Mexican, best friend of my family. As she knew the truth, she decided accompany with me to through this shot trip.

    We walk down the passageway, even Laura beside me I still felt embarrassed. I could felt my face was flushed. I observed people’s reaction behind my sunglass and only looked forward. I was aware of some strange looks. Their facial expressions were wondering. It told me what a sick woman! Laura told me that people stare at me with a laugh-confused expression, and she heard someone whispering about my behavior to their partner. I did not hear any words into my ears due to intense tension. I glimpsed there were tow women with babies sat on the bench, one looked at me talked to another woman, then laughed and shook her head a little bit. I asked Laura walk faster, so we can end this embarrassed situation as soon as possible. The trip less than 10 minutes, and it felt seem an hour. Many times, I was going to close my umbrella and put it into my purse. Finally, I persuaded myself finish this trip. Since I have being embarrassed, it does not matter more minutes to go. Thank goodness, we ended up another exit. I close umbrella and put into my purse quickly. My neighbor laughed and said, “ it was fun, I’ve ever had experience before.” I said, “ I’m glad it’s over. I don’t think it was fun. How embarrassed!”    

    In my culture, most women hold up an umbrella walk around on the sunny day during the summer time because women want to protect their skin. Women think that if you have a light skin, then you will look prettier and younger. When I arrived here, I noted a few people held up an umbrella in the sun walk outside, and they are most Latinos. Therefore, I felt embarrassed to hold up an umbrella in the burning sun because no many people hold up an umbrella walk around. I did not want to be outstanding. Yet, today I did this inside building. Even though this act violate norm, it did not threaten anybody, so no one tried to stop me. However, I felt looked like a foolish woman, as if one who escaped from madhouse. I think I will never violate folkways or stand out again.  

 Final draft:

                                                                             Norm Violation

Opening an umbrella while walking outside in the sun is a very weird action in here in the United States, yet it does not violate a norm. However, Today I am going to break the norm by walking through the Moreno Valley Mall with an opening umbrella. As an Asian female, I have never done unusual things in public before, especially in the United States.

I was not just nervous; I was scared. I asked my neighbor Laura to came (come) along with me, but I did not tell her about my projects. I only told her that I want to hang out at the mall and look at the pretty dresses. When we arrived at the mall, my heart began to beat hard. We got out of the car and started walking towards the front door. The closer I got to the mall, the faster my heart would beat. As we went through the door I kept my sunglass on, I took my umbrella out of my purse and opened it. Laura turned quickly in amazement, “What are you doing?” “Don't worry.” I said. “I am just doing my homework for school. If I told you before, then you won’t have come with me.” We kept walking. Laura is a Mexican American, and best friends with my family. Now that she knew the truth, she accompanied me. We walked through the mall together.

Even with Laura beside me, I felt embarrassed. I could feel my face turning flush. I observed other people’s reactions from behind my sunglass while looking forward. I was aware of some strange looks. Their facial expressions showed wonder. This told me “What a sick woman!” Laura told me that people stared at me with confused expressions. She also heard someone whispering about my behavior to her friend. I did not hear anything due to my intense tension. I saw two women with babies sitting on a bench; one looked at me while she talked to the other woman. They laughed and shook their heads a little. I told Laura, “Walk faster!” I wanted to end this embarrassing situation as soon as possible. The trip less than 10 minutes, but I (it) felt like an hour. Many times, I was going to close my umbrella and put it back into my purse.

I had persuaded myself to complete the trip. Since I was already embarrassed, a few more minutes would not matter. Thank goodness, we were near another exit. I closed my umbrella and quickly put it back in my purse. My neighbor laughed and said, “ It was fun. I’ve never done anything like that before.” I said, “I’m glad it’s over. I don't think it was fun. How embarrassing!”

In my culture, most women hold an umbrella while walking on a sunny day during the summer. Women want to protect their skin from the sun. Women think that light skin looks prettier and younger. When I arrived in the U. S., I noticed a few people carry an umbrella while walking in the sun. Those I did see were Latinos. Therefore, I felt embarrassed to carry an umbrella in the burning sun because so few people did. I did not want to be stand out. Yet, today I did this inside the mall. Even though this act violated the norm, it did not threaten anybody, and no one tried to stop me. However, I felt like a foolish woman who had escaped from madhouse. I do not think I will knowingly violate any folkways and stand out again.

(Teacher's comment:  Great! 95%  5% for Grammar)
　

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