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We now take a break from our regular list for some of Jarrod's "Moments of Stupidity."
401.) "That's why he's dumb, he doesn't learn nothin'." - Noccarato
(Deep thoughts, there.)
402.) "What skills are needed to be a leader?"
"Leadership!" - Mr. Covell and unknown student.
403.) "Who was Rome's greatest adversary?"
"The U.S." - Mr. Covell and unknown student
(See, we were bombing the city of Rome because they had WMDs...)
404.) ""Did they have guns back then?" - unknown student
(Actually the Ancient Romans had evolved beyond the need for guns. They had this elaborate system of magic crystals.)
405.) "Millions landed on the beach and millions died." - unknown student
(A presentation on the Normandy Landings... must I elaborate?)
406.) "After we took the beaches we pushed all the way to Britain." - unknown student
(Same student and context as the one above.)
407.) "Damn...oops, pardon my French."
"Hey, that's not French, man!" - Mr. Daniel and Noccarato
(Of course not! It's Latin. Duh.)
408.) "Our neighbor to the North is Canada, and our neighbors to the south?"
"South America." - unknown students
(I...)
409.) "I don't know what a nonagon is, I'm in geometry, not trig." - unknown student
(This just hurts.)
410.) "...we took home 27 times!"
"Now that's a football game!" - unknown students
(I know better than that and I suck at any and all sports.)
We now return you to your regularly scheduled list. Quotes: The College Years
411.) "Onward to the slacker balcony!" - Anonymous
(First day of class, baby. Read your Iliad!)
412.) "Then we have people who are like, 'Oh, my God, I haven't had chemistry in six years and I was taught by the football coach!'" - Maggie
(First lecture in chemistry.)
413.) "Well, they're not like, 'Oh, no, we made this guy the king of kings and now he's an asshole.'" - Eric
(Debating the gods in relation to Agamemnon.)
415.) "They're not like, 'Yeah, go Achilles, transform the world!'"
"Achilles as Lenin!" - Angela and Robert
(Robert is the professor leading my humanities conference. And well. They weren't.)
416.) "Even animals erase their tracks!" - Luc
(French professor. The class before leaves stuff all over the boards and it pisses him off.)
417.) "A ten-minute shower is speeding on the highway of cleanliness."
"You have strange highways." - Neima and Luc
418.) "And don't be shyyyy, you're all socially inept Reedies." - Arthur
(Professor in the chem department and the person in charge of my conference. We had a group activity.)
419.) "Doesn't look like the best breakfast..."
"Ah, these are Wheaties! This is the breakfast of champions right here!" - Stephen and Kyle
420.) "It was as respectully pillaging as you could do, y'know? 'I respectfully throw your baby over the wall.'" - Kyle
(Discussing the timé found in city-sacking.)
421.) "Many of you may not recognize me as I'm easily the scruffiest dressed of the Reed faculty. Today I'm in a suit, and I kinda like it; it feels like Halloween." - Cushman
(Regardless of the way his lecture died, thsi one quote made him instantly loveable.)
422.) "... And Jeff, the god of biscuits..." - Kyle
(Sadly, I missed the rest.)
423.) "The Greeks hadn't figured out how to sex bees yet." - Robert
(Silly Hesiod, calling the drone bees female!)
424.) "Then the severed finger fairy will come in the night and give me a dollar for it." - Kwasi
(Ask Rachel.)
425.) "The U.S. was a beggar at the gates of power and prestige among nations because we were PO'!" - Workman
(Provided by Rachel.)
426.) "Anyone interested in joining the new Reed death metal band, I WILL WANT TO SEX YOUR PIG, contact me immediately." - a Reedie
(Found on the LJ community. Originally, someone wrote an entry about wantning to schedule a playdate for her guinea pig and wanting to sex the animal so no accidental breeding would take place. But, of course, it caused much giggling and this quote.)
427.) "WHOA! A AIRPLANE JUST BLINKIED AT ME. No, really. It just kinda looked at me and went 'Yo! *blinkie blink blink*'" - Bethany
428.) "I meant to type 'I'm bored' into a window just now and accidentally wrote 'I'm whored.'" - Bethany
(Freudian slips. Even in writing, man.)
429.) "You pronounce the 'e' and I kill you. By the way! To kill is 'tuer', which is also part of the first group." - Luc
(Maybe you had to be there, but a death threat turned into a means to educate made me giggle.)
430.) "Kid: OMG WHAT THE HELL COULD THIS BATSHIT UGLY PACKAGE BE~!? *wraps* ...Ew, I didn't want this. I thought it was Mister Rogers. *kicks the trike*"
"The fact that Mister Rogers is dead makes that a million times worse." - Nosha and me
(For wrapping a tricycle, Nosha totally gets an entry in the quote list.)
431.) "Why is Nosha raping a car?"
"Wouldn't you?"
"Too much stuff to worry about."
"...a healthy car raping is always good for stress relief?" - Me and Lime
(Meow, baby.)
432.) "Elmo is an avatar of Satan." - me
(Bethany insisted I quote myself.)
433.) "i don't even understand how. something involving several socks and a clown. it happened earlier. i'm still disinfecting the mime bites" - Jack
(I made the mistake of asking him how I killed him.)
434.) "YOU TOO CAN RUB ASSES JOYFULLY WITH A MAN IN A POLKA DOT BUTTON-DOWN SHIRT." - Lime
(The lindy-hop no longer sounds like a safe thing to learn.)
435.) "Jigme Dorji Wangchuck"
"That sounds like a porn star."
"Former monarch of Bhutan." - Lime and Megan
(TOO beautiful.)
436.) "It's Polis-Man!" - Robert
(If you were looking at kouroi, you'd find this funny, too.)
437.) "That's what Latin America has done for us!"
"Given us immortal hamsters on crack?" - Meriam and Mike
(I don't remember the conversation. I'm scared to.)
438.) "That's fucked up with a ph." - Mike
(And it was. It really was.)
439.) "I believe the world is bra on a moose's head in an alien tavern." - Kyle
(Presocratic philosophy.)
440.) "This is a strange chart. I think the lines mean marriage. Otherwise Emile and Benoit... but we're not in Belgium." - Luc
(Luc is Swiss, by the way.)
441.) "I heard stuff about vectors and angles and I got all excited..."
"That's Tom, our physical chemist. He doesn't believe in molecules." - Tom and Arthur
(I don't know why this amuses me so much.)
442.) "You can't have a steak without beer!" - Felix
(MY LIFE IS A LIE!)
443.) "So what can we gather from this? That Thucydides sees a place for kindness and sympathy--"
"In traitorous women." - Robert and Eric
(I love Thucydides. XD)
444.) "Ewww, I just increased my days in limbo for that..." - Maggie
(The grave sin of squeaking chalk!)
445.) "Jodi. We in the back cannot read your handwriting. It is very small."
"You realize there's like fifty seats available up here?" - Ross and Jodi
(It WAS small, but it was nice to see Jodi pwn someone in the middle of lecture.)
446.) "Bavarian cream is the measure of all things." - Neima
(This developed into something about pastries and world domination...)
447.) "My father used to tell me early risers rule the world. But when I see the garbage man in front of my house..." - Luc
(Pwnz.)
448.) "It was fun; I didn't know you could light a Cheeto on fire with a match!" - Maggie
(The obsession with fire here... Do keep in mind Maggie's a prof.)
449.) "Do not use 'monter' for too many things. It takes on strange meanings." - Luc
(Yeeeeeah... strange. Sure.)
450.) "You're so nice."
"No I'm not. I work to maintain the reputation that I am an awful person." - me and Luc
(Luc's so cute. XD)
451.) "*plays a game*"
"*plays your mom*"
"*your moms a game*"
"*that is indeed the insinuation, yes*"
"how's the snake gonna fiiiiiiiit ;_;" *frets* - Megan, Naru, Lime
(It was just too well timed to not be here.)
452.) "*playing Sigur Ros, like...obsessively...*"
"*plays...your spine like a xylophone*"
"*plays your MOM like a xylophone*"
"*PLAYS YOUR MOM LIKE A HO* I WAS READY FOR THAT ONE, YO."
"*PLAYS YOUR MOM LIKE A WASHBOARD SKANK*"
"..."
"oh snap"
"*PLAYS YOUR MOM LIKE AN AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINE WITH FIVE POWER SETTINGS AND A TURBO-POWERED ENGINE FOR MAXIMUM EFFICIENCY.*" - Naru and Lime
(I haven't the faintest clue what to say to that.)
453.) "I feel a little woozy here. o.o I'm going to go to sleep. *glomp* Feel better!! ;_; Don't stay up too late and don't do any hard drugs. Crayons are fine. ;_; But other stuff might make it worse." - Lime
(Mmmm... crayons.)
454.) "COLORADOOOO."
"IS HELL"
"CONSUELOOOOO"
"NO HELL IS LOCATED IN MY ROOM"
"In hell, it snows the flakes of dead bodies."
"...maybe your room is just a portal to Colorado?"
"That might work."
"it's like...you open the door to your room and SUDDENLY THERE'S COLORADO"
"OH GOD. I'd pee myself."
"you mean oh satan"
"I'd pee Satan?"
"WTF is Satan doing in your urninary tract? o__O" - Lime, me, Naru, and Megan
(The theory is he's baking cookies, but we're looking into that.)
455.) "but... wait. I thought that was Plato?"
"Achilles was a douche first."
"ahh so Plato was liek an upgrade in douches like... gentle glide or paper wrapper douche or maybe it had a new solution in it. Speracide 8000 kills sperm dead."
"Well, he's A douche, not THE douche. So I can call them both douches."
"so they are in one hudge douche competition?"
"Get bent, Cody."
"Plato and Achilles are going head too head. OH! Plato is in a ehad lcok.. .wait whats this!?! ON NO!!! IT SEEM A MAN HAS TAKEN A CHAIR TOO PLATO!!!!! ... My information says taht his name is Cody... We'll be back too Douche competition 2005 in just a minute. This years sponsor is Sarcasim. Sarcasim goes great for family gatherings" - Cody and me
(But it's worth it for the drugs I need!)
456.) "Death by Musical Chairs would be an awesome plot. I have a psychotic Hufflepuff bent on world domination who would try to pull that off, too." - random LJ user
(Tell me you don't want to see that. I dare you.)
457.) "I live in Teutonic Billy land." - Mom
(Mom trying to explain to far away relatives exactly what it's like living here...)
458.) "One moment while I fetch my buffalo."
"...Nosha, you left your other buffalo at Liz's house"
"NOOOOOOOOOO" - Nosha and Naru
(TEH HORROR)
459.) "I'm doin' particularly awesome. :3 Except people are getting drunk but 6 feet away."
"YAY! :D"
"oh yeah. 8V"
"getting drunk and making babies."
"...Please no. O_____O AH. MIND'S. EYE."
"BABIES."
"AH. NO BABIES."
"they'll pop out and go 'HI LIMEY 8V WE WERE MADE NEXT TO YOUR ROOM'"
"*CRIES* KEIKO." - Lime, me, and Megan
(Megan can always be trusted for a good brain breaking.)
460.) "Dear Lord, we both know I'm going to hell. Please hold it off for as long as possible. Amen." - Uncle Lindsay
(Yes, uncle. But that's probably the best prayer ever.)
461. "How are you, Molly?"
"I had poison oak."
"... Whatever!" - Two students
(This greeted me on my first day back into the lecture hall.)
462.) "Okay, now we're going to find out why Randy isn't a ballerina. Actually I did this calculation earlier; he thought I was putting him in stilleto heels."
"Like THAT's any better!" - Jodi and Randy
(When professors humiliate each other for the sake of calculations.).
463.) "Just tell them that they have more layers of hell, but ours are hotter." - Zack
(You heard the man. Stop bitching about how long my breaks are.)
464.) "Switzerland has a bunch of clichés. Banks, chocolate, mountains... and they're all there." - Luc
(Poor Luc. His country is lame.)
465.) "Euh... don't worry about 'le Minitel.' It's something that got replaced by the internet. It was invented by French people." - Luc
(But apparently not as lame as France.)
467.) "In the words of one of my dormies, he gave Cleopatra a tongue bath." - Angela
(And oh, was it sexy. Actually, this is just a way of saying that he talked about her in a way far more... impressive than what she really was.)
468.) "You know, it's hard to explain something complicated with something more complicated that you know less about." - Robert
(... I'll remember that.)
469.) "You may be happy to know that not all 142 books survived, so we couldn't put them on the syllabus." - Wally
(Livy really should have stopped after... I dunno. Two.)
470.) "All the greatest people in the world descended from tons and tons of mediocre people." - Eric
(See, your life isn't a waste yet!)
471.) "Does anyone else choke up with American pride while reading this?"
"Digging up heads in the capital?" - Thuy and Eric
(Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.)
472.) "Those of you who weren't raised in the country just don't know how pretty a bull can be." - Robert
(Attempts to tie white trash to ancient civilizations should not be made.)
473.) "The picture of a finger in your book is very strange. It looks like a penis." - Luc
(Well. It did!)
474.) "Nero, wussy, girly man... Rome, wussy, girly empire. Nero gets penetrated... Rome--"
"Is on fire." - Angela and Brooke
(As we try to figure out why Tacitus hated Nero. Besides the obvious. Don't have gay sex; you'll start fires.)
475.) "RAH, I need foreskins for my power!" - Kyle
(Well, that's one theory as to why God demands circumcision.)
476.) "It's been in the car since 1962, it's the seatbelt! Ooh... Ah... ... Destruction of a smoke detector will cost you $2000, and if you had that kind of money, you'd be flying Northwest. ... If a crew member approaches you naked, just ignore them. ... We don't anticipate a sudden change in cabin pressure-- if we did, we wouldn't work here-- but in such a case, four oxygen masks will drop down. Secure the mask over your nose and mouth normally to receive nitrous oxide. If you're seated next to a small child or someone who acts like a small child, ladies, put on your mask before helping your husband. If you are seated in a row with multiple children or multiple husbands, pick your favorite and work your way down. ... We're going to dim the cabin lights to increase the attractiveness of your female flight attendants, but if you need extra reading light, press that button over your head. Magic will happen. Don't bother pressing that other button. She doesn't work here anymore." - Fligjht attendant
(Sarcastic flight attendants make any situation bearable.)
477.) "We're descending into hell through half-steps!" - Ross
(Mozart is the impish composer of eternal damnation.)
478.) "That now ends the demonstration. I need to include fire in this..." - Meg
(Even the philosophy professors, man.)
479.) "Biggest tenor you have ever seen in your life, OH MY GOD." - Ross
(Ross himself is well over six feet tall and could easily star in anything as the voice of God.)
480.) "I'm going to get some water that doesn't taste like evil." - Ross
(Good idea.)
481.) "So do you think he just woke up one day and said, 'Damn, I hate life. I'm gonna write about it in my emo LiveJournal.'?" - Thuy
(I can see St. Augustine's LJ now. Mood: ashamed. Subject: Dear God, I don't really like pears, but...)
482.) "I'll tolerate your comments because I remember what it was like when I had my first beer." - Randy
(A student was being loud and stupid during chem lecture.)
483.) "HEY! I don't come to where you work and heckle you while you're making fries." - Randy
(And again.)
484.) "Look, it's the Pope!"
"Yarrr! I'm the Pirate Pope!" - Megan and Leigh
(Thesis Parade. YAY!)
485.) "NOT THE BROWNIE. MY KIN"
"What? XD;"
"I don't know, but I think it'd be bitchin' to be related to a brownie."
"A brownie family. Damn, you'd be orphaned fast."
"And convicted of homicide. But oh, it'd be delicious homicide. ...er, brownicide?"
"............"
"Wouldn't you eat your brownie parents? ;_;" - Lime and me
(Probably... not.)
486.) "OH. I thought you were tying us WITH ducks."
".......... How the hell do you tie people with ducks!? xD;"
"That's what I asked! XD;"
"I'm sure you'd find a way, Nosha. XD"
"I thought you were tying people INTO a giant duck, so"
"I'm sure I would find a way, and I think I have to now xD
"...by our powers combined, we are captain duck?"
"Captain duck~ he's our hero! Quacking villains down to zero!" - Lime, Nosha, me, and Naru
(Duckies!)
487.) "For some reason, I can just see him saying, 'Remember to use protection! 'lest you want little Hitlers!'" - Megan
(We were talking about the complications of having this in the room when you're trying to have sex.)
EllonyPalindrake: "Why is Nosha raping a car?"
"Wouldn't you?"
"Too much stuff to worry about."
"...a healthy car raping is always good for stress relief?" - Me and Lime
Singuma: XD
Singuma: Car Rape!
488. "Would it be anal if you rape it from the exhaust pipe? O_o" - Kerry
(A thoughtful response to Nosha's dirty, dirty attack on a car.)
489. "Can you draw death? <.<"
"Probably not :D"
"I want to see death's charcoal'd face before I die. >D" - Lime and Nell
(As do we all.)
490. "bcZXbmxcz, EVERY TIME I THINK SHE'S GONE. WHY DOES SHE NEED TO USE MY STOMACH AS A PILLOW."
"KITTY?"
"it's like I'm sitting here, chilling, just minding my own business and suddenly it's like HI I'M A CAT. and she just looks at me like 'yeah im in ur room. sittin on ur stomach.'"
"But cats are cute when they just sit on you. ;_;"
"but she decides to STAND on me for a while. her paws are tiny and full of PAAAAAAIN."
"...okay that's painful o_O but when they settle and purr like a lawnmower. That's cute. <<" - Naru, Nell, and Lime
"The worst is when they stand on your boob >.> And go all 'LALACLAWS'"
(Yet another reason why budgies make better pets than everything.)
491. Naru: ... http://lunistice.com/photos/mocca04/fleshflowers.jpg
Me: The shit?
Naru: mmm flesh flowers :D
Lime: Engrish? >D
Naru: yes >D
Me: Hot. XD
Nell: Is that like, slang for the girlie bits? >.> Cuz it should be.
Naru: ..........................
Nell: *in the Naru, sorry*
Naru: I think I just died a little inside. therefore, I think Nell hit the nail on the- ........................................................
Me: Where in Naru? <.<
Nell: On the flesh flower? :D
Nell: ....
Nell: Well not THERE on the Naru
Lime: .....
Lime: *DIES*
Jasmine: ..........
Jasmine: I come back, and what do I see?
Naru: .......................................................................I just don't even really know what to say to that. words escape me.
Nell: Let's just call is a joke gone filthy >.>
Naru: it's so wrong but so, so RIGHT...
Lime: *so...dead*
Nell: So right I'm shaking and crying XD;
Me: *Can't... breathe* XDDDDDDDDDDDD
Naru: *is just one big ball of death*
Nell: Death: Jackpop
Nell: ...pot
Nell: Oh lord, I suck tonight
Naru: xDDDDDDDDDDD
Lime: ...
Me: Jackpop. Sounds like some shitty energy drink.
Lime: I'm so amused right now. >DDD
(I decided to post this one as is because it's long and I can't bear to cut it.)
492. "I LIKE THE SHORT HAIR"
"JEBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSS"
"If he goes back to the long hair, I'll have Laurell K. Hamilton reciting my inner monologue."
"Jebus hair is hot. >.>"
"....... That would be great"
"'His hair cascaded gently around my face in a sandy wave as his hard throbbing love eel pierced my cresting waves.'"
"wait wait"
"... LOVE EEL?! XD"
"you can't use 'waves' twice. You have to abuse the thesaurus, Alecia. Seriously." - Alecia, Jasmine, and me
(I wonder if a love eel would make good purse leather.)
493. "I think I had herpes or something"
"I have AIDS. It's sitting by my clock radio."
"I had herpes, but also was STD free, and used condoms. How that worked? I don't know. You musn't question the flowers and their ways."
"Well, the last time they gave me an all clear flower. 'You practice abstinence!' So, I'm not sure which one was worse." - Jasmine, me, and Alecia
(When sex education is just weird.)
494. "WILLIAM AND MARY HAS A HARRY POTTER CLUB. It's like hardcore"
"...we had like a nerd corner"
"and they send out invites"
"with LOST and the anime club"
"and it's very secret"
"Thomas Jefferson was so into Harry Potter. <<"
"........how is that POSSIBLE xD;;;"
"You know it. ^_-"
"HARRY POTTER WENT BACK IN TIME AND SAVED JEFFERSON FROM THE NAZIS." - Nell, Naru, and Lime
495. "The Burger King... reminds me of Death and I'm not sure why." - Nell
(Cholesterol?)
496. " ... Wow leave for a second... ^^;"
"That is your punishment u.u"
"Um. Balls?"
"Balls are your punishment."
"AND NOW WE'VE ALL SAID BALLS"
"Death: BALLS, SUCKERS."
"I just thought of the worse HP euphamism"
"Ride the broom, grab the snitch."
"Stick your little Basilisk into her Chamber of Secrets" - me, Nell, Megan, and Lime.
(Better or worse than the love eel and the flesh flower?)
497. "I can just see him shouting, "COLGAATE!!!" and fighting the war on plaque." - Lime
(Comment on this masterpiece.)
498. "Does da pain flow in ya like a masochit? Ya be gettin high like a coked up can with a lita underneath... WORD! Go go power rangers!" - Kerry
(Ebonics pain.)
499. "*shakes fist at sun*"
"Well, that's talented, it being night and all."
"i can totally bring the sun out anytime. it angers the villagers" - Jonathan and me
(I think it's a talent, anyway.)
500. "Infidel bagels! They shall burn in the bowels of toaster Dis!" - K
(Well. They're poison.)
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