I could not stop thinking about what had happened to me, wondering why it had happened to me. What was the meaning and was it over now. I met an old friend of my husbands, he hadn�t heard of his death and when I told him he was sorry to hear it. He went on his way but knocked on my door about an hour later and asked me out for a drink. I had been out with him and my husband before. And thought he was just taking me out to console me, because my husband was dead and I was on my own. He had other ideas, though in the end I left him wondering why I was offended. He was always a gentleman when my husband was there, now he thought he could fill his shoes. I went home, knew I had made a big mistake, he had got completely the wrong ideas.
That night I went to bed, and I heard a loud rumbling and my bed started shaking. A loud voice shouted angrily at me YOU. I was frightened, but I knew it was a warning to be careful whom I put my trust in.
I saw a psychic fair advertised at a local hotel. I decided to go and see if I could find anything out about spirits. I went with my daughter-in-law. There was a show first and there were three mediums giving readings. I put my name on one of the medium�s lists. This was on the afternoon. I was told it would be the evening session after 7 o�clock before it would be my turn as there were so many on her list.
I spent the rest of the afternoon at home wondering what to expect. I had never had a reading before and was quite nervous about it. Thirty pounds was a lot of money to pay if I didn�t get any answers. I got back early there was another show going on this time I had my son with me. My name was called and I went to the front and sat at the table. She asked which reading I wanted and I had already decided on the full one. She asked if I wanted it taped also, so I agreed to that too. She talked for an hour and when she had finished I was convinced there was an afterlife and I had been contacted. She told me things from the past present and future. She even knew my husband�s name, I got lots of information, and more than I had bargained for, and at least now I knew I wasn�t imagining things. She told me I had the potential to become a medium and should develop it. I didn�t tell her what I had been through after my husband died, I wasn�t ready to tell anyone yet, but I think she knew.
I went home with the tape and played it to my son, he was amazed at her accuracy. I also played it to my mother and told my brothers and sisters. My mother was convinced I had been to a woman who was a mind reader, she didn�t want to think about spirit intervention. I have let the subject drop as far as they are concerned. They don�t want to believe and it�s not my place to change their opinion, as I don�t know enough about it myself.
I went to the spiritual church, every time the mediums stood up I started coughing I think it was nerves, because it happened every week. I am quite a quiet shy person and at first I just sat through the meetings and just said hello to anyone who first spoke to me. I didn�t get any messages at my local church in the beginning.
In the November I went to stay with my sister-in-law. I was there a few days when my niece said there was an afternoon meeting at the spiritual church, did I want to go. Well it was only a small church and there were only about twenty people turned up. Half way through the medium had asked if anyone had been to a funeral where they had sung the hymn The Lords My Shepherd. That had been one of the hymns I had chosen for John, I paused and looked around everyone was shaking their heads.
Nervously I said it may be me, she went on to describe my husband and said she could see me getting ready to travel. I said I was just visiting and I was travelling back at the weekend. She said that wasn�t it and I would be travelling a lot. She mentioned some names and left me with a flower, a large yellow chrysanthemum. I thanked her and she carried on to the next one. This was the first message I had had in a church.
The next day I was sat talking to my sister-in-law when the whole of her sitting room filled with what I can only describe as pieces of a rainbow. They were all the same size and as I looked through the pieces they distorted the room, it was like looking through a prism. My sister-in-law didn�t seem to notice and they were in the room for at least ten minutes. She carried on talking so I didn�t tell her what I was seeing; I just wondered to myself what it meant. I thought it might be the spirits showing they were pleased with me, but I don�t really know.
I carried on going to my local church and started to get a few messages from my husband and my dad. After Christmas I started to know a few of the people in the church, I heard there was a circle starting if anyone would like to join, I decided to give it a try. I was still having coughing bouts in the church although I was fine outside.
Now as the group started to meditate here I was coughing again. I tried sucking sweets, drinking water anything to stop the cough, but nothing worked. I carried on going to the circle, and learnt quite a bit, but I wasn�t ready. I was still too nervous when I felt spirits around me.
John started visiting me at home again I sometimes saw short glimpses of him walking through the house. He often touched me or stroked my hair. I started to get used to him around but I still jumped when he comes. I knew he meant no harm to me, he was just trying to help.
He put his arm around me once when I was in bed I could feel him but I couldn�t see him, I had my eyes tight shut. I felt reassured he was with me, but frightened as well, if that makes any sense. The circle was only for six weeks, when it finished I realised I had jumped in at the deep end, the others in the circle were at a more advanced level, and I hadn�t been ready for that.
I stopped going to the church regularly. Finding excuses not going, although I felt guilty because I knew I should have gone. I was finding books on the subject; trying to learn on my own and looking for anything in the books that were like my experiences. I still felt something in the house and was jumpy if I felt a spirit close.
I started going back to the church, and decided to ask if there was anyone just teaching meditation, I was told there was a circle just starting if I was interested. I saw the woman who was starting it and she said she was having a meeting to decide who she thought would work in the circle. So I said I would be interested and she told me when to meet the others. I had started getting mail from mediums offering to give me readings at a bargain price; these letters had been coming for months. They said they could help me be lucky with money, love, health etc. I didn�t take them up on their offer. I thought of my dad, he used to say I want doesn�t get. You get what is given without asking.
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