Tuesday evening I was by myself watching television. I suddenly felt so weak, my strength was absolutely drained, and I felt myself pinned down in my chair. I could feel something rushing around inside my body. It was moving very fast, and I seemed to see my skin moving as I was feeling it under there. I couldn�t move at all and I couldn�t think what it was happening to me. It seemed quite a while before it stopped and I felt my strength came back, I was released. This was impossible to believe I started to think my imagination was playing tricks on me. Maybe I was under too much strain, only to be expected I suppose. Cure for everything lights a cigarette. I had just put the cigarette out and I was weak as a kitten again, and was pinned to the chair yet again I was helpless. My arms were held to the chair and I couldn�t lift them. This time I saw three little fat creatures sat on my chest. They were eating what looked like white strips of meat. They had faces as big as their bodies, and they were eating with their fingers. This seemed to take quite a while as well. Suddenly they vanished and again I was released and could move. I felt like getting away but seemed to know it would do no good. I lit another cigarette. Whatever was happening I didn�t know how to stop it. I was shaking by now and so confused, thought I must be crazy after all. This must be a nervous breakdown. Again it happened as soon as I put the cigarette out. This time I saw a large orange stone held over my body, it was glowing and I could feel the heat coming from it. This was held in place for quite some time. As it disappeared, a pearly disc came down in a beam of light from the ceiling it too had rainbow colours in the centre. I heard a voice asking if it could get inside me, suddenly felt something rushing around my body. I seemed to know it had to find something, as it was rushing about I felt something else in my right eye. As if something was looking out of the corner of my eye. I was telling the thing rushing around where to find it, I felt as if I knew what was happening, there was something inside me that my husbands spirit had to catch and take out of me. It didn�t seem to make any sense but I thought I was right. Then the disc was in front of my face again and a voice boomed at me you have 47 years and you will go to America and you will write a book. I was surprised at this because I have never thought of travelling abroad before. Never dreamt of going anywhere before, so I couldn�t imagine where that notion had come from. As far as writing a book was concerned, I was never very good at English language.
My brain was working overtime and nobody believed a word I said. Nothing else happened that night. But I couldn�t think of any reasonable explanation for what had happened so far. I didn�t know anyone to ask any more. Everything that had happened since John died was racing around my head. If someone told me this was happening to him or her I wouldn�t believe them either.
My son had brought some of his friends to the house the day John died, one woman was a bit older than his other mates were and apparently he brought her to keep me company. He had never asked me though, he thought it would help. I told him I had friends of my own I didn�t need a stranger but I�m nothing if not polite. I let her rabbit on but it was getting into the early hours, and they were still there. My son in the front room and her sitting with me, and I was losing my patience with the lot of them. I eventually asked them to leave. The next night they came again, I had talked to this woman maybe too much, for a stranger to me I felt she wanted to know too many things. She wasn�t my cup of tea anyway. I like to see everyone out of my house before I go to bed, so I can make sure everything is locked up. Again they were still there till three in the morning. When I asked them to leave they continued talking at the front door. I�m afraid I lost my temper, and my son went with them back to her house. My son was persuaded by her to go and see my husband in the parlour of repose. She convinced him he had to go. I wasn�t ready to face that yet, so he decided to go with her. I tried to say it would be better to go with his aunt when she came, but no he wanted to go with her. I again was angry because she hadn�t even met John and I didn�t think it was right. There was no arguing with him so he went. My son got very emotional at seeing his dad. She started crying and carrying on as well. She said she would go with him for support, I believe she just went to see what a dead man looked like. She never came back to my house after that, and my son realised what she was like. I don�t usually get that annoyed and angry with anyone. My son did come with my sister- in- law and me to see John again, and he realised what a difference it was when he went with us. How much more comforting with the people who knew him well and treated him with respect. Well she had got me so angry, I thought if you are up there John you can sort her out as well. I imagined her having nightmares about me, and running up the street with no clothes on asking for my forgiveness. I know now this was wrong to ask this but I couldn�t help myself. I was just furious with her. I am usually such a patient placid woman; I don�t know what got into me.
Wednesday I was sat at the table in the dining room just thinking. I was looking at the flowers my sister had sent; I looked at them for ages. In the centre of the flowers were two marigolds, one above the other. The top one was drooping down, it wasn�t getting enough water, and I was thinking that they were like a clock when the top one landed on the bottom one Johns ashes would be in the ground and there would be no more strange things happen. I thought about pushing the stem in further, but didn�t want to disturb the other flowers so I left it as it was. I saw a ghost of a man I knew years ago sat on my fireplace. I could see him quite clearly and he hadn�t changed from when I knew him. Although he lived a long time after, He had abused me when I was young. He just sat there with his head bowed looking at his feet. He didn�t say anything, and he never looked at me. Also next to him were two men�s shadows on the brickwork. They were in the distance and had their backs to me, as if walking away. I wondered why they were there, the man I recognised I hadn�t thought about him in years. He was still just sitting there he hadn�t moved.
A picture appeared between the heads of the two marigolds. There was a man and woman with a child and also my father was there. They were standing between two golden doors, which were open. I felt as if I was being drawn into the scene. I was level with the gates and being nosey tried to look around them. I felt a tap on my head, it was my dad, as if to stop me prying. My father was young again, and at first I thought I was seeing my brother. I could see inside, then I felt as if I was floating. I could see green fields and trees. At the edge of the trees was a large round wooden building. I was still flying over the countryside and I saw a young woman stroking a horse. She was on one side of a wooden fence, and the horse was fenced in on the other side. Then I was back in my chair looking at the flowers again. The picture was still there, and the ghost was still sitting with his head still down. I looked back at the flowers and the doors began to close, when I looked over to the fireplace the ghost had disappeared. The flowers were back to normal. Nothing was said to me during this time. I just sat for a while wishing it would happen again, it was so wonderful.
Thursday I had a vivid dream, I dreamt John had gone to heaven and put a bet on with god. The bet was that he had a limited amount of time given to him to come back, and do something for me, and get back to heaven before the gates closed. If he made it I would get help, if he didn�t he wouldn�t get back in. I was angry with him and in my dream I told him he was stupid. Have a bet with god I said, and who do you think will win that bet. I woke in the morning convinced this was what he had done. Sure that he would lose. I was getting messages about John starting a new family for me, and that I was going to write a book.
Next morning I was on the phone to my sister-in-law. I said to her he�s only had a bet with God and the stupid man is bound to lose. I also told her I was told to start writing a book. But I used stronger language. She told me I was going round the twist and put the phone down. By now I was acting rather strange, I was convinced it was all fact, not fantasy, and yet I knew it was a dream.
Friday I had convinced myself that when I felt something inside my body, this had been planting a new life inside me. All I could think was that I would have a baby. I phoned the doctors and told the doctor I was having labour pains. I was sure the pains were real. Even got a taxi to the doctors to get checked out. The doctor gave me some tranquillisers and said I needed to eat. That night I still believed I was in labour and all night I felt as if I was. I took the tablets on Saturday as well, but I was still sure I was in labour, although I knew this to be impossible I had been sterilised years before, and I was past my time anyway. I went shopping that morning I wanted to send some flowers to the landlady of the pub as a thank you. I also went to the supermarket and bought some baby things, just talcum powder and baby wipes etc. That night I felt a baby being placed beside me in the bed. I could feel its tiny hand in my hand, and all its little fingers, but I couldn�t see it. Then it was taken away.
Sunday my niece and her daughter came, they hadn�t been able to come for the funeral as they were abroad on holiday. They had come to see Johns ashes buried on the Monday.
Sunday night we all went to bed and at 3.30am we heard the front door slam it woke us all up, the door had been locked before we went to bed. We got up and looked around nothing was out of place except there had been a flower picked out of the arrangement. The stem had been snapped off and the petals of the flower had dropped off, they fell just under the broken stem. I thought that�s John leaving the house for good and he has taken a flower with him. He must have slammed the door to let me know he was going.
Monday we said a few prayers at the graveside and Johns ashes were buried. We had had some terribly heavy rain all week and the wreaths were all ruined. I took the basket of flowers to put like a headstone on his grave; my niece had also brought flowers. It was a shame the other wreaths were ruined. My niece had to leave that evening, but she was worried about me, she asked if I would be all right. Because I still believed I was in labour and there was no convincing me otherwise. I thought again that there would be nothing strange happening now as John must be gone now.
After she had left I was on my own except for the animals. I didn�t expect anything else to happen, but it did. Later that evening I heard a voice telling me to hurry and get my accounts in order. I took this to mean all the paperwork I had collected this last two weeks. I had just put it all together in a large plastic box. I tried to sort it all out and separate the important stuff from the rest. I felt as if I was in a race against the clock. I had so many letters and documents in among the trivial letters. I felt as if I was getting ready for a trial, to see if I had sorted things out right. I felt my strength draining from me. I stood up from the table thinking I should take the papers into the front room. As I stood up I could see blackness spreading from the centre of my vision and growing outwards, I felt as if I was falling, my knees seemed to be giving way. I could only see a thin frame of light at the edge of the black. Then it was as if a light clicked on again. The light came in again and the blackness went to a point in the centre, and disappeared. I still felt drained as I went into the front room with the box of paperwork. I sat in the armchair and I felt I couldn�t move the light on the ceiling seemed to be getting brighter and brighter. I felt the room getting hotter and hotter. I heard a voice; it was stronger than anything I had experienced before was. I could feel it was more powerful, I was terrified, yet could not flee. I felt that even if I tried there was no escaping it. It was giving me orders on the way to behave, like the Ten Commandments, but there were more of them.
I don�t remember switching on the television but it was on. The programmes were strange though they were like short sketches and the voice had questions for me after each sketch. They were about right and wrong. It went on for hours and I was feeling more and more that I was definitely going insane. When it started telling me what it expected me to do I got angry and shouted at it. I told him if it was god I was speaking to, why didn�t he sort it out himself. The room was getting really hot now, I felt as if my eyes were burning and I thought I was going blind. If I was angry, it was more annoyed at me. The pain in my eyes was bad now, and I thought I would ask for its forgiveness. I prayed and said sorry for offending it, and said I deserved to be punished, if I had to lose my sight then so be it. I started singing hymns. The pressure was released from my eyes, I thanked it for releasing them, but I still felt it was angry with me.
The room was extremely hot and I was told I had to answer for my past. I heard the voice order me to get ready, as I was when I came into this world. I got undressed, and waited, dreading what was coming, I felt the two chains round my neck getting tighter and I thought I was being strangled. I snapped them off, and my fingers felt as if they were swelling too, so I pulled my rings off too. I waited in anticipation, not knowing what was coming next. I could smell smoke and thought the house was burning down, the room felt so hot. I felt sure everything outside the room was on fire.
Then I heard voices saying I could go I felt my strength come back. I went to the door and paused, worried that I might find flames on the other side of it. I remember asking if they were sure, and the voice shouted go. I went into the hall. I was convinced this was an illusion and I had to run away before the street blew up. I stood in the deserted street and I looking back at the open door, my mind was racing. I was too scared to go back inside and so I just fled. I don�t think I realised I had no clothes on at the time, I just had to get away. I kept looking back expecting something to be following me. I ran away as fast as I could and felt sure I was running towards something, I wasn�t sure what though.
Two policewomen picked me up and drove me to the nearby hospital. They got me a blanket and took me inside. As I sat in the cubicle I could see ghostly shadows, not of people though but of dogs, descending from the ceiling and disappearing through the floor. I felt as if I was surrounded by an electric force field. I could see silvery sparks all around me. I was talking a lot of nonsense as far as the staff of the hospital was concerned. The doctor was trying to get me transferred to the mental hospital. The policewomen went to get my son and he brought my clothes to the hospital. He thought I had gone crazy as well. I was dressed by then and was feeling angry that nobody believed what I had been through the past two weeks.
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