Stay tuned for another hilarious episode of : "The Sanctions".

This week, Kofie Annan seems powerless to stop the slaughter in Darfur, but don't worry...it's not genocide....all we need now is Bono and friends.

My Arse: If it isn't another unionist selling out to privatisation!

Another scandal hits the Royle Family, and nobody seems to notice...

"I might do that if I was in their shoes"
Outrage at MP's truth-telling gaff.

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Chavwatch: Humorous, but realistic “ned test” makes uncomfortable reading for lower class colleagues.

Who, me? Never.

Latest Beckham fiasco finally comes to an end.

The F.A. declined to punish St David for his recent deliberate foul, citing "insufficient evidence" despite his own admission (and the surprisingly eloquently scripted apology to everyone concerned bar the player he fouled)

It seems strange that we can't take the player's own word for it...the phrase "diminished responsibility" springs to mind. Considering he thought admitting that he'd played dirty to gain an unfair advantage would show "I'm smarter than wot people fink"; this conclusion makes perfect sense.

Official: Tobacco Company helps smokers quit.

A report released today vindicated the tobacco giants from neglecting the wellbeing of their customers. Marlborough help a third of their customers to kick the habit and stop smoking, on average, years before the average non smokers is expected to stop not smoking. An unofficial P.R. officer commented "I'm very sorry each and every time we loose one of our valuable customers, but I thank them for their lifetime of loyalty to our products. The government in particular have treated us unfairly…we paid them handsomely and they hid all our supportive evidence. I don't know why we're made out to be the bad guys in all this; when we're the ones who help people to quit smoking - It's a scientifically proven fact!"

Gavrilo Princip kills Franz Ferdinand.

In events which didn't lead to the start of First World War, the subsequent WW2 and cold war, obscure Indie rock band "Gavrilo Princip" yesterday assassinated the members of Franz Ferdinand. The killing of the mercury prize nominated group (whose hits include "In the matinee" and “Michael”), horrific and distressing as it was, failed to make any impact whatsoever on world history. In a frenzied attack with grenades and machine guns, one of the band was heard to cry “[please, don't] take me out”.

Science breakthrough of the decade made at MIT.

Twinkle, twinkle little star how we wonder what you are?

A child's song and easy question, one might think, but this poignant question is one which has been puzzling scientists since man first looked up into the night sky.

Professor of the  Astrophysics department at MIT commented. “We've been examining complex nuclear reactions and the fusion of atomic particles into heavier elements at the core of the celestial bodies such as the sun. More recently one of our colleagues came to the realisation that the answer was in the very first line of the song. Twinkle, twinkle little star… don't you see, It's a star!” The results were double checked and published in the leading scientific journals. "We concluded our research as there was no need to wonder any more about it."  Their next project is said to be a feasibility study into the average bovine's ability to jump over the moon.

International community issues apology for discovery and subsequent colonisation of USA.

Feeling kinky? Iraqi prisoners insist: "We aren't into this sh*t."

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Mixed media messages make for teenage temptresses trouble.

As that French guy sang "...oh for little girls." Shocking half page confession

Terrorists thank the media for their dedicated coverage of Bigley kidnapping   LOCATION UNKNOWN- “We feel empowered, and in many respects, we owe it to the sensationalist media for spreading our propaganda.  We could have predicted it from Al Jazzier…but we really have to thank ITN, local news reports, even the BBC and Channel 4 for their dedicated coverage.” a spokesperson for an Iraqi insurgent group declared. The announcement was made yesterday via a video posted onto the internet.  “It was far more than we expected and we're hopefully for the same level of coverage when we next take a hostage. We also thank the F.A. (football association) for the minute silence at their games, and people of his home town for the two minute silence and the book of condolence. We expect a statue and a charity to be set up immediately, or else!!”  He added, waving an AK furiously. Full Text »

Un-friendly bacteria drink proves less popular than friendly counterpart.

STOCKHOLM —The board of the Ockult© bio culture Corp. were surprised by disappointing 3rd quarter results for their new range of “unfriendly” products.  

“Detailed market research demonstrated a need for a bad-ass version of the pro-biotic drink; to cater for the sector which includes; base jumpers, smokers, foreign contractors in war zones, and other crazy b#stards. The guys our product development came up with five delicious varieties; fasciitis necrotisis, e-coli, MRSA, clostridium botulinum and meningococcal meningitis. Helps your natural digestive transit. Feel the difference in just two weeks- or we’ll pay your funeral costs. Oh, I forgot to mention- they're bacteri-yummi™!

Coalition troops dash to Hatra, a mere 17 years too late to prevent massacre.

HATRA, IRAQ - Private Doe commented: "it was so frustrating to get there just moments too late to stop this horrific crime. “Damn” he said, snapping his fingers. “y’know, it was just like jogging to catch a bus, only to see it drive pass, or when the elevator doors close….

The mass grave we found here certainly justifies us having gone, even though no WMD have been found.We didn't have a second to loose, it was essential that immediate action was taken, we had to act now to stop Sadamn doing this thing he did a decade ago. Perhaps if we’d started packing earlier?

Sergeant H was more pragmatic.” I wish I could have done more, but I was only three when it happened…and we don’t get our first gun until we’re four”.

Troops next plan to go to the Sudan in 2010...when the regime needs taken care of (dependent on any new mineral and oil deposits being found in Darfur).

Terrorist plans found on confiscated laptop: Bassey named.

N.Y — Fears of show tune singer safety increased today, as several files pertaining to Shirley Bassey were discovered on Al Queda suspect's laptop. Along with a schematic of airports, complex encryption software for sending coded emails to terrorist cell members, and US Carrier battle group formations, several photos of Shirley Bassey were discovered, together with a collection of her albums in MP3 format. Homeland security advisors called for an orange alert to be issued for all soul and motown singers, but tried to allayed fears of an attack, stating that the measures were purely precautionary. A spokesperson for the FBI commented "It could just be that this particular terrorist is a fan, but that's a risk we're not prepared to take." Until the exact link between Bassey and terrorism has been established “The Supremes” shall remain in protective custody.

Fatwa declared on Linda Barker

ISLAMABAD —the star of "Change your Room" and a plethora of annoying advertisements has finally attracted the wrath of a religious decree- death for the unholy one. Unusually, in this case, there was a complete lack of condemnation from any other government or religious group. Salman Rushdie let out a sign of relief "this should take the heat off me for a bit".  The Pope commented "Someone should do something about that Jamie Oliver too; he's probably a heretic, as well as being a total c*nt".

Barker? She's a positive growler. With her new orange look and cash from ads, she's a golden bitch; but I wouldn't retrieve 'er from a burning building.

B.A. employed new figurehead for B.A.

HEATHROW INTL, LONDON—After a summer full of baggage handling strikes and management blunders causing extensive delays for travellers, British Airways decided to hire a new spokesperson: BA Barracus.  It was explained "The customers need someone who they recognise, who empathises with their position and can articulate the situation clearly."

"You ain't gettin' on no plane, fool."

Follow up to X Price announced

CAPE CANAVERAL FL— After the success of the X prize encouraging private enterprise to push the boundaries of commercial, reusable space travel, the W prize has been announced: A billion dollars for the first group who launches George W Bush into space.

Insert: Just one of the space vehicles which could be used to launch the brave space cadet into orbit.

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Hideously deformed scientist promotes amazing new device.

When quizzed about why he chose to endorse Mac products; the maddened scientist slathered “If the telepods were running OS X the whole bloody mess wouldn't have happened. Flies would be recognised, and instead of being bonded at a genetic level with a human, they’d be transported into a smaller handheld device I call the "fly-pod".

Ideally everyone would carry a fly pod, it’s only about the same size as a walkman and the fly pod mini ™ is even smaller. It can store Blues (bottles) and house (flies), beetles, even bees, gee, any kind of insect. Not everyone is a believer in this future. I remind those people that accidents sometimes happen. One day you're walking down the road singing the praises of a propriety based Linux OS that doesn't tie you to one hardware manufacturer, the next minute a giant human fly is vomiting hydrochloric acid all over your puny limbs. Funny that.

Anyone wanna arm wrestle?

Bear found at Paddington station mauls commuters- ignores marmalade sandwiches.

Daddy or Chips?

Small girl chooses fried potato snack over cannibalistic patricidal mealtime option.

IBM executive critically wounded by disgruntled Australian employee in “that's not a blade" incident.

Birthday girl less than amused by rhyme on "drunken tart" birthday card.

Harmless fun kills 3, maims 5.

"Kiss n tell" renamed "f**k and sell" : Loos moves from being on game to being on game show.

Pale skinned singer complains being made to seem pale is affront to her European ethnicity.

"Paint my face in your magazines, make it look whiter than it seems "

Futardo: "ethnic"

Dolby boss confesses latest 9.1 sound system is "a little bit OTT".

First it was mono, then came stereophonic, quadraphonic, digital 5.1, 6.1, 7.1 and now 9.1 sound- only 10 speakers. How many ears have you got?

Can anyone tell the difference between DAT and SA-CDs...when they're playing badly ripped MP3s?

Burger King shuffles its feet, glances nervously about, and whistles while chubby documentary maker walks past.

Pro hunt lobby’s clever slogan utter nonsense.

Resident fox disagrees with slogan: "For fox sake don't ban hunting" Eh? It's even ungrammatical!

Midget waiter buried at ambassador's reception when Ferrero Roche pyramid collapses.

Vatican bans Xerox "paper cloning monstrosity" as affront to nature.

Ideas, suggestions or comments?

Isn't it strange? No38.

Animal  liberators would rather:

threaten medical researchers & dig up the dead grandmothers of those contributing to animal testing; curing of disease, & relief of human suffering...

than:

bother the majority of people who eat animals ‘cos they like the taste.

Isn't it strange? No.39

A vet wouldn't prolong a dying puppy's painful existence, even if the owners thought the gasping for breath was a sign of “courageous puppy with a strong will to live”

Yet a doctor has to go to the high court in order to treat the baby with the same compassion.

Animal rights for humans?

Revised "Son" Headline, 25th Sep 2002

"BRITAIN 45 YEARS FROM DOOM"