The Sanctions

Staring: Sudanese President Omar Hassan al-Bashir, U.N. special envoy Jan Pronk, and Secretary General Koffi Annan

Al Bash: Oooh, the U.N. is mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the U.N ! Uh oh, the United Nations are going to get me with their sanctions!

Jan Pronk: Stop it!

Koffi Annan: Stop, sir.

Al Bash: Don't let the U.N. come after me. Oh no, the U.N. are coming after me.

Koffi Annan: Please stop the `pretending you are scared' game, please.

Jan Pronk: Stop it! Stop it!

Al Bash: No! They're so big and strong!

Koffi Annan: Stop it.

Jan Pronk: Stop it, Mr. Hassan al Bashir.

Koffi Annan: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.

Al Bash: Oh, protect me from the U.N! The sanctions...

Jan Pronk: President Omar Hassan al-Bashir, STOP IT!

These possible non-descript sanctions are sure to force us at the Sudanese government out of office, just like they did to Sadamn and his regime in Iraq. What? That didn't work? Sorry, but news seems to travel slowly here...it took 6 months before the west realised what is ...er what isn't happening in our country. But don't worry now...these sanctions are sure to work, 'cause militia who have been allegedly ethically cleaning Southern Darfur, killing the men, raping the women, burning the villages...these are people who listen to reason. Anyway, how do you westerners know these people haven't been hacking themselves to pieces with machetes? It's just hear-say. You've not got a shred of proof.

It may sound like Bart Simpson, but we at the government can categorically say "it wasn't us" and it really "was like that when we got here". Anyway, It's not our fault the militia we armed have gone and done this... *(credit for this excuse goes to the US and UK, who often find themselves fighting despotic regimes armed with weapons they'd sold them) These sanctions will surely be enough to end this issue, and remove the media spotlight. Are you forgetting the vastly more important stories...90 die in Russia, a dozen in Israel, and ten in Iraq? Sure, it's small numbers compared to the UN alleged 50,000 dead in Darfur, but it's the impact that is important!!! This stuff affects the fortunes of rich white guys!! (The trick to genocide is don't kill all the people in one go...if you were going to support genocide, that is. We don't. Nor do we condone it, let me just get that part straight. Phew.)  SARs made more news than this...a few rich business travellers get severe acute flu, and suddenly everyone is terrified. More people get killed each year by regular flu, and falling coconuts... (And of course by these mysterious domestic incidents which seem to be plaguing the south Darfur region at the moment.)

Soon it will be forgotten about; even the liberals will be more distracted by elections and Middle Eastern trouble.  Not the neighbouring countries, which face as many as a million immigrants. But don’t you worry…refugees are warmly welcomed in the heart of Africa, as we have plentiful amounts of food and inter-tribal relations couldn't be better. In fact, this will only serve to stabilise the region!  (I bet you in the west didn’t hear about how 160 Tutsis refugees weren’t killed last week, nor do you remember the trouble which didn’t happen in Rwanda less than a decade ago. But, so long as these countries don't have oil or fortune 500 companies nobody bothers. Those remaining who choose to return to their, now safe, homes may meet with unfortunate accidents.

Next might be a Live Aid appeal, perhaps a concert to feed the starving too scared to return to their perfectly safe villages. The Jangaweed appreciate U2 as much as the next militia, and we at the government would welcome them too. Bono rocks! Big westernised governments won't mind either...sure, they'll fund a war, but so long as the concerned people dig into their own pockets and don't expect them to part with any food aid money...that's fine.*

 So, quite quickly our little problem will be out the news and the task will soon be finished. After that, the U.N inspectors can say everything is fine here, and those awful, crippling, non specific sanctions will finally be lifted.

*this article was written before the announcement of Live Aid 2 (!!)