Big Brother 28AD heads towards an dull, non shocking conclusion

With voting heavily in favour of Barabus, everything looks to be coming to a close in the Big Brother house...

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Incapable Drivers Make For Hilarious Viewing

How it works Number 54: The Microwave oven

Magical fairies, undetectable to the human eye, fly around franticly at 2.54 GHz (a frequency corresponding to the natural resonance of hydrogen bonds in water) creating heat which warms up the food, but they hate metal and will attack it with a flurry of sparking fairy dust.

(Concentrate; science bit was brought to you courtesy of The Son)

One year on: the Colorado Explorer tragedy

NASA Face Their Biggest Challenge Yet: Robowars 2003

CAPE CANAVERAL FL— Did what was promising to be the biggest event, in the Robo Wars calendar, live up to the hype, or prove to be some what of an anticlimax? Pre match build-up was intense as new contender Team NASA’s multimillion dollar F.I.D.O. Martian rover set out to prove itself in the arena of RoboWars ™

Ten Year Old Claims Newton "Invented" Gravity

P6B, HILLSIDE PRIMARY SCHOOL—During a short classroom presentation, Gary Portman [10], claimed that, famous scientist and mathematician, Isaac Newton "invented" gravity when an apple fell on his head, much to the delight of his teacher.

"I can only imagine what life would have been like in your pre-1804 world without gravity, houses and people floating around with nothing to hold them down" guffawed the supply teacher Julie Burns, gaining a stony faced response from the rest of the class. "Don't you kids understand anything?" "Gary, if you don't start paying attention in class, you'll end up with a really crummy job" She said, without irony. "stupid f#ckers probably thought Watt discovered the television".

Man Charged With Leaving Child "Home Alone"

HOUSTON, TEXAS—Charged with leaving his 10 year old child home alone while going on holiday to Florida, local man Marvin McMarvin commented "Surely, NOT letting your kid have a hilarious adventure foiling a pair of goofball burglars, whilst learning the value of family... that's what I call deprivation"

"Geeze…it’s not like I left him in his cage or nothing." He added before being taken into custody.

Hitler: More tolerant than Peterson.

Batman Saves City Yet Again GOTHAM, DC—Batman, the caped crusader, yesterday helped 'City survive a fate worse than The Joker: Relegation to the 1st division. The game initially marred  by Batman accusing the coin-tossing referee of being nemesis villain Two-face.

Presenter Sincerely Wishes Both Competing Teams "Best of Luck"

LONDON, ENGLAND—Television presenter, and all round good guy, Phillip Schofield [32], astounded viewers last weekend by wishing both of the competing teams on Fortune Families "The best of luck". With the first team awarded a wish of the best luck, one would think the most the other team could hope for was the "second best of luck". This seemingly insurmountable technicality didn't prevent Schofield from duplicating his wishes of the "best" luck to the opposition.

Next, Schofield wished that all 18.2 million viewers would have the fortune to win tonight's lottery [Saturday 16th].  "Perhaps he doesn't realise the contradiction and implications of what he's saying" said one punter, "if everyone wins the lottery, it's not lucky at all. The prizes would amount to a paltry 80 pence each." What a bastard.

"Fingers crossed" Schofield added with a cheery insincere grin.

Feminine Hygiene Product Name Leaves Too Little To The Imagination

PHOENIX—With the subtle instruction "Applied to the intimate feminine area", the pre-watershed television advert, left not even the youngest member of the Williams household wondering what exactly was being marketed. Jeremy [11 and 1/2] remarked privately : "those corporate bastards could at least have shown stereotypical pictures of Labradors or other [non- descript] stuff".

Further increasing the tension of family situation the horrendously unsubtle advert for unsubtly named "Vagisil" ended with an awkward silence only broken by Jeremy's father: "I suppose it's lucky they didn't call it C#ntex".

Humourless Statistician "Gets It" Less than 59.5% Of The Time

OXFORD, ENGLAND—sources close to the statistician revealed a 45.6% misunderstanding of absurdist jokes. "a man hitting a car with a branch. I just don't get it." The misunderstanding of mirth extends across all genres, from satire to irony, slapstick to social comment. "So the man is a transvestite lumberjack...and I'm supposed to find that funny?" Suspicions exist that Franks is, in fact, an American.

If Walkers ™ made traffic lights. If green is "salt and vinegar" what the hell does flashing amber mean anyway?

Man who refuses to be stereotyped puts firm tick in "None of the above" box.

Pink, the "I'm not a manufactured pop product" product, unable to detect odour of own faeces.

Gunther from Friends' bid for $500,000 per episode inevitably fails.

Local man can't figure out if Anniston is good at acting like an annoying b*tch, or if she really is like that, but either way, he wouldn't complain. Still, it's not as much of a quandary as trying to figure out if Matt le Blanc really can't act, or if he is doing a really great acting job convincing us of that.