NASA’s F.I.D.O and RoboWar™’s Razor go head 2 head in dramatic showdown.
 

Did what was promising to be the biggest event, in the Robo Wars calendar, live up to the hype, or prove to be some what of an anticlimax? Pre match build-up was intense as new contender Team NASA’s multimillion dollar F.I.D.O. Martian rover set out to prove itself in the arena of RoboWars ™

“Spectrometers”
“We’re gonna show everyone who’s got the best robot!” yelled Team NASA™’s team leader Dr Michael Richards, triumphantly punching his hand in the air to the roar of the crowd. Resplendent in matching “Team NASA™” T-shirts, the FIDO squad were confident of their robot’s survival abilities. “Hostile environments?” queried lead electronic systems engineer Professor Kevin Clark. “Sulphurous rain clouds, searing temperatures- now that’s hostile. A bar of pressure, nitrogen/oxygen atmosphere, smooth terrain? It’s gonna be a walk in the park.” he commented, whilst ogling my overly pert breasts. It appears to be of standard buggy design, but when quizzed on its unique features. Technical co-ordinator Nick West provided some insight. “When it comes to special features, FIDO is packed: Check out the solar panels! This 0.22m2 array gives us 16watts - that’s 75 milliwatts per square centimetre! It comes equipped with Near-Infrared and Raman spectrometers, Pentium 4m processor with custom power saving electronics, sun detector to ascertain it’s global position….”

Dr Mike Richards continued…”If things get nasty we can rely on our secret weapons: the Soil Scoop and dreaded RAT (Rock Abrasion Tool) and with the computer controlled suspension we can always manoeuvre out of trouble- this baby can do almost a meter a second! (2.2 mph)”, he said whilst simultaneously giving FIDO, and my peachy rump, a gentle pat.
“Competitors have suggested that our weakness lies in the 15cm diameter inflatable tyres, but I say they’re essential for space and weight saving in the capsule, not to mention traversing the rocky Martian terrain. We’ve had some of the best brains of the US working on this project for several years, and those Razor boys still have the cheek to say their robot is better designed!”
“Better designed!!?“ Richards exclaimed excitedly, “I bet their robot couldn’t even find moon dust... on the moon!…They couldn’t find their communications port with both soil probes!…. they, they….”

“Giant pincer of death”
Those at team Razor appeared to be slightly more focused. Giving a brief description of their ‘bot, man at the controls, Jeff Mathews “It’s of stainless steel construction, with 4 independently driven rubber wheels, It’s top speed of about 20 mph, and it’s equipped with a self-righting mechanism - just in case.” When asked about any other special features, Jeff explained “It doesn’t have any, oh…other than the obvious deadly crushing pincer, pneumatic driven with CO2, giving 5 metric tons of force on a good day. Anything can happen in RoboWars, but we’re quietly optimistic about our chances. Although our ‘bot only cost a mere faction of theirs, we think we can do it- providing we don’t break down.” I’m sure he was looking at my chest too. And if he wasn’t, he certainly should have been.


“Let the wars begin”
As leather jacketed gimp, presenter Charlie Craig shouted the catchphrase to commence the battle; the crowd of eight to fourteen year olds (and their parent/guardians) went, quite literally, wild. Perhaps those at Team NASA™ hadn’t quite understood the concept of a Robo “war”, although technically not a war, this fact was to prove of little consolation. “Pit, Pit, Pit”, the mob bayed for blood, just as the ancient Romans did as they watched slaves being sacrificed to the lions. This to prove as equally a mismatched contest. FIDO lost one of it’s wheels within five seconds, victim to Razor’s scything blade. The horde of spectators were expecting something special to happen when Team NASA™ extended their secret weapon, the RAT probe. However, the pathetic buzzing drill bit proved hopelessly ineffective against Razor’s comparatively primitive steel hull. The Ref Bot should probably have stopped the contest when all the remaining wheels were chewed off, FIDO effectively neutered. Members of Team NASA™ crew were visibly shaken when Razor’s claw pierced the electronics inside FIDO’s, space age titanium body, destroying some 5000 man hours of R&D, in an instant. The whistle finally sounded as FIDO’s smouldering shell was deposited into the pit of oblivion.

“We’ll be back”
A tearful Team NASA™ remained defiant… “A rematch on Martian surface in 2023 will once and for all prove ours to be the technically superior robot.” Said Dr Richards. “we’re gonna fit a big-ass flipper and call it Killabot 2020” added Professor Clark. “The 4 minutes communications delay in radio signal between here and Mars will make the match more interesting” West explained “especially considering the first battle didn’t even last three…. still… there’s always the chance Razor might break down.” With that thought, and thoughts of my provocative low cut, lace-up fly, leather trousers, Team NASA™ left feeling a little better than they might have done otherwise.

“Wicked”
“NASA scientists are outstanding bores, but they met their match on RoboWars™.” Ex Blue-Midget star Charlie Craig attempted to drolly quip, whilst hopelessly endeavouring to look cool. “big robots with pincers, -wicked!” he exclaimed, without the slightest hint of irony. Even the Diotor squad, famous for entering pathetic robots covered in almost deliberately flammable material, were critical of Team NASA™’s lacklustre performance. “They should just think themselves lucky they weren’t up against Hypnodisk…now that would really have put back their launch schedule.”