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Earth
20
OCTOBER 2004
Apologies were issued to Vietnam, Korea, Cuba along with a pre-emptive apology to Iraq, and especially the native American population. Columbus’s great-great-great grandchildren officially disowned the re-known explorer who first set foot in the states …“We’re just sorry it happened and wish to distance ourselves from the whole regrettable chain of events”. The whole family has now officially changed their name to Colombo to honour the great TV detective instead, one of the very few good things to come out of the whole sorry situation.
Africa offered a safe haven for the so-called “African-Americans” the ancestors of many who never actually chose to go there anyway. Nelson Mandela stated “We’ll soon get any of those Bandonk-adonk asses you’ve got sorted out. With the lack of food aid you bastards give us, you’ll be back to a normal shape within a year, and dead within twenty.” “The bling you wear is an insult to the thousands of south-African brothers who are exploited in the gold and diamond mines here.” he added.
“It’sa nota fayar, da impression desa “Italian-Americans” give of a us-a being a buncha criminal Mafiosi” said president Silvo Berlusconi. (Currently facing corruption charges) On questions about a possible de-emigration policy, Berlusconi was firm. “No way - these cazzi can’t speaka da English or da Italian” he said, through use of a very bad translator. "che babbo di mincia"
Irish PM Berti O’Herne said sorry publicly for the 8th and 9th generation “Irish” Americans, who also insist of talking in ridiculous tones about “de mutherland” and “ol’ Dublin Town”. The only thing remotely Irish about these bastards is the anti-British terrorists they still sponsor, even though, like most Americans, they have trouble even to find Canada on a map, let alone anywhere in Europe.
The British government vehemently denied the existence of “British Americans”. The public vote concluded that de-population of American is an inherently bad idea, and it would be better to refuse to take any immigrants from there. "Wonder where they got their globalisation idea from", said the foreign secretary, whose country had an empire which once covered a 1/3 of the earth. British PM urged for calm on the issue before reversing the decision and offering the President his spare room at number 10. His wife Cherrie explained "little Tony has a problem with the word "Sorry", and he and Georgie have been having such fun at playing soldiers, it seems like a shame to break them up".
In a rare turn around, Israelis refused to apologise for their Jewish Americans brothers. “It’s not our fault this corrupt government has supported this state in an attempt to gain their votes.” A corrupt government with imperialistic tendencies?” I wonder where they got those ideas from, he said, casting glances at the European ministers. The irony that such xenophobia exists in one of the most racially diverse nations on earth, only serves to demonstrate how stupid an idea it was to put them all there”
The minister for Germany also denied any association with the USA… “Do you see anyone who declares themselves to be Deutsche-American here?”. NO? I didn’t think so. This is one historical evil that has nothing to do with us.
The Chinese and Russians refused to take any of the blame for the fuck up that is America, claiming that any of their nationals present were there for spying purposes only.