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November 11, 2004 eSLASHculture 3.28 -With the election now a fading memory, it is time for we here at eSLASHculture to get back to what we do best ... Let's Bash Oprah 4-O: The Oprah Magazine is once again embroiled in controversy. The December issue has been banned from key retailers such as the Wal-Mart and K-Mart chains. The notorious "Oprah Sex Issue" is filled with self-esteem boosting articles that are frank and open in their tone. Articles like "Love Luggage: How That Extra Fifty Pounds You've Gained Can Drive Your Man Wild in Bed" and "Golden Shower Him With Love: Oprah's Sexy Love Secret" are not the source of the retailers' complaints. It is the controversial cover that has caused problems. It features a picture of Oprah in her boudoir dressed only in a lacy red bra and matching g-string. She is posed with her back to the camera bending over a bed with her back arched and a broad smile on her face under the caption "Come On In, The Sex Is Great!" Retailers balked at the sight of the plus-sized talk show hostess' bare derriere peaking out from their magazine racks at unsuspecting men, women, and children. Always sensitive to the demands of her sponsors and publishers, Oprah responded by sending out millions of round, red stickers that can be placed over the offending posterior and can then be peeled off later by the purchaser. However, the remedy was initially unsuccessful as the stickers proved to be too small to cover the zaftig icon's generous hindquarters. A rush delivery of a second set of much larger stickers the size of beer coasters proved to be the perfect fit, and now the "Oprah Sex Issue" is back on sale at last and looks to be one of the best selling magazines of the year.
-An Oprah Urban Legend: Oprah vs. Ellen My cousin Gina's best friend's sister-in-law's roommate told me this story about Oprah so I know it is true. Her co-worker Linda is like the biggest Oprah fan of all time. Well, Linda won some kind of fan club contest, and they flew her to Chicago, and she got to go backstage for a taping of an Oprah show way back in June. The episode was called "Summer Fun, Oprah Style." The first segment they shot was called "The Search for the Perfect Margarita," and they even handed out tons of samples to the the audience. After that, Linda got to hang out in the Green Room. The next guest was Ellen Degeneres. Well, she's no Oprah, but everyone just loves Ellen's show, too. Anyway, Ellen was there to promote her new line of sensible lesbian swimwear "Out and About With Ellen" from K-Mart. She was relaxing backstage when Oprah came staggering into the Green Room during a commercial break. Maybe it was all those margaritas but it was pretty clear that Oprah had a load on. Anyway, she came barging in and flopped down on the love seat nearly on top of Ellen. She was all gushy about how much she loved Ellen's new show and how great her ratings were. Ellen was real polite, but Oprah was falling all over her patting her thigh and rubbing Ellen's neck and shoulders. Next thing you know, Oprah wigs out and just goes for it grabbing Ellen and giving her a big, sloppy, open-mouth kiss and stuffing her hand up her blouse. It was clear Ellen was embarrassed by big, drunken Oprah making a pass at her, but she didn't freak out. She just calmly pulled Oprah's hand out from under her shirt and got up. Well, Oprah is used to getting what she wants when she wants it, and she just blew a fuse. She took a swing at Ellen as she was walking away, clipping her on the back of the head. Ellen tripped and smacked into the wall, and then Oprah lunged at her screaming, "How dare you say no to me, you stuck up little dyke!" Well, from that point it was totally on. Ellen jumped up and spun and caught Oprah square in the face with a lightning right jab. It stunned Oprah for a second, just long enough for Ellen to swerve and duck under her flailing arms and get out the door of the Green Room. Oprah charged after her. It was right after a commercial break had ended, and Oprah caught Ellen from behind in a blind rage and picked her up and swung her over her head like a rag doll and then tossed her ten feet in the air across the stage. She landed hard on one of the sofas. Well, Ellen may be smaller than Oprah and give up about two hundred pounds in weight, but there was no quit in that scrappy, little lesbian. Once she looked up and found herself onstage in front of that big audience under the bright lights something snapped inside of Ellen. She rolled off the couch, landed on the floor, and then leapt to her feet in a perfect back flip. As Oprah attacked her again, Ellen hopped up on one foot like something from one of those Matrix movies and started to do all this kung fu stuff. When Oprah charged, Ellen struck back with a flurry of blinding, whip-like karate chops and kicks. The plucky lesbian battled Oprah back and forth across the stage as the crowd screamed. Ellen pounded her with blow after blow, but Oprah was like a bull seeing red. Ellen landed a roundhouse kick, and you could hear the bones in Oprah's nose breaking, but there was no stopping her. She just got madder and madder. Finally, she had poor, little Ellen pinned under a chair beating the tar our of her until some of the stagehands finally mobbed her, wrestled her down, and dragged her away. They dropped the curtain then, and the crowd sat there in stunned silence for about ten minutes. After awhile, the show's producer came out and explained that the whole girl-on-girl brawl had been an elaborate skit to promote a new series of self-defense tapes for women. He said the show would air in October. The producer explained that it was going to be a big surprise episode, and he asked everyone to keep it a secret so they wouldn't spoil the surprise. Then a truck pulled up outside and a bunch of guys came in and started handing our free really expensive 36 inch flat panel TVs to everyone in the audience. Well, I watch everyday and that was back in June. It is late November, and that show still hasn't come on yet.
-O: The Oprah Magazine for its five years of existence has been a huge success so it was no surprise when Ms. Winfrey decided to diversify and expand, but so far she has seen mixed results. The spring rollout for O For Him: The Oprah Magazine for Men was initially met with indifference. The first issue featured men-friendly articles like a ten page interview with Meg Ryan, review articles like "Looks That Kill: The Hot New GMC Minivans Road Tested," and self-help articles like "Mop Up Time: Ten Hot Housework Tips For Men." After selling only seven thousand copies of the first issue nationwide, Winfrey and her braintrust came up with a brilliant, new marketing plan. For two months, O For Him has been advertised relentlessly on Oprah's show every day with a special promotional gift package included with every three year subscription. Since then wives all over America have ordered over twenty million subscriptions for their husbands in order to get the gift pack that includes the new six DVD Special Edition of "The Color Purple," a two week supply of new Ultra Slim Fast Kiwi Surprise, and an autographed copy of Dr Phil's new book Make or Break Him: How to Shape Up your Man. Since October, millions of copies of O For Him have been pouring into American households where they lay about unopened and unread ignored by men of all races, colors, and creeds as the thick, useless volumes clutter coffee tables, recycling bins, and toilet tank tops all across this great nation. Other Oprah pages you might enjoy:
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