April 25, 2003

    Every year here at eSLASHculture we take time out from our busy, tightly organized schedule of satire, parody, and absurdist humor to pay our respects to one of pop culture's true enduring icons:  Oprah Winfrey.  Bestriding the twin worlds of talk show triviality and shallow self-esteem boosterism like a pudgy Colossus, Oprah is a hero to all of us here at eSLASHculture.  Are we very busy here at eSLASHculture day in and day out?  Absolutely.  But do we have time to bash Oprah?  For Ms. Winfrey, we are happy to make time.  So here is our second annual installment:

                                            Let's Bash Oprah! II

    -Disgusted by the lack of appreciation she received from conceited, self-important, ungrateful authors, Oprah Winfrey sadly shut down her popular Oprah's Book Club.  The venerable institution that introduced millions of American housewives to the joys of gooey, overwrought, facile, "deep" literature was soon greatly missed by her fans.  Never one to remain bitter, Oprah has thrown all of her energy into her new "club."  Starting in June, Ms. Winfrey will introduce the hotly anticipated Oprah's Waffle Club.  Working in conjunction with national restaurant chain Denny's, once a month Oprah will go on location to a Denny's and dedicate an entire show to waffles.  The first offering, Classic Blueberry and Cinnamon Waffles, will be shot in Haumontronck, New Jersey, the home of America's first Denny's.  Special guest Dr. Phil will lead a group discussion on the topic "Waffles and the Women Who Love Them."  Future episodes will include celebrity waffles such as Roseanne Barr's Crazy Waffles With Beer, as well as cutting edge fare such as Wolfgang Puck's Pesto Cumin Drenched Waffles With Duck Andouille Sausage Links.  Portions of these programs will be sponsored by grants from America's bacon, syrup and butter industries as well as the manufacturers of Zocor.

    -An Oprah Urban Myth:  Oprah Once Beat Up Elle Macpherson.  The urban legend - still unconfirmed - goes like this:  Years ago backstage prior to a show on models, Oprah stopped by guest Elle Macpherson's dressing room.  The super slim, super sexy, super swimsuit model was naked.  Oprah, at that time at her maximum weight of 320 pounds, saw the beautiful, svelte young model and flew into a rage.  In a frenzy, she slapped, kicked and spit at Macpherson, cursing for her superior genetic makeup.  Then Oprah called in two of her personal assistants and had them hold Elle down while Oprah crammed fistfuls of brownies, french fries, and candy corn down her throat.  Oprah also force-fed  her over a gallon of Mrs. Butterworth's pancake syrup.  It all happened very suddenly, and it ended just as quickly.  Once she calmed down, Oprah instructed her assistants to clean up the dazed supermodel.  When she recovered moments later, Macpherson  was rightfully enraged and called the Chicago police.  However, in the Windy City, Oprah is queen.  After a call to the Police Commissioner killed the report, Oprah apologized profusely to Elle and on the spot generously gave over three million dollars to the supermodel's favorite charity:  Thongs For The Orphans.  The show then managed to go on as planned.  However, sharp-eyed observers noted that the bruises and scratches on the Macpherson's neck and face were still visible despite heavy applications of makeup.  From that point on, Oprah was never again allowed backstage in the guests' dressing rooms.

    -An Oprah Joke:

How many Oprahs does it take to change a refrigerator light bulb?

Are you crazy?  Oprah, doesn't change light bulbs!

O.k., smart guy, how many of Oprah's personal assistants does it take to change a refrigerator light bulb?

Twelve ...  one personal assistant to change the light bulb and eleven others to make Oprah feel good about herself for noticing that the light bulb in her refrigerator had burnt out.

    -O:  The Oprah Magazine has been a huge success in the United States since its first publication in the spring of 2000.  However, attempts to market O: The Oprah Magazine overseas have been less successful.  Though a beloved, plump self-esteem institution here in America, Oprah has little name recognition elsewhere in the world.  The Japanese edition folded after its first issue.  Clearly, something was lost in the translation.  The magazine's title O: The Oprah Magazine when translated into Japanese read:  Fat Lady Says: Feel Good About Yourselves Other Fat Ladies!  Media insiders note that the Eastern European version of the magazine's failure may have been due more to editorial policies than translation problems.  Standard "O" core topics such as how to feel good about not losing weight, not having sex with your husband, or not getting along well with your sullen, resentful children lacked cultural resonance for the typical Eastern European woman who is more concerned with issues such as foraging for food, finding lost relatives in a war-torn land, and stockpiling warm clothing for the cold Serbian winters.

    -Though Oprah dominates her target demographic of dissatisfied, self-important women aged 25 to 65, the Oprah empire plans to expand its market further to include a younger generation of petulant teenaged girls.  In a bold stroke of cross-marketing and working with one of teen America's most successful merchandisers, Oprah will open a chain of trendy mall-based clothing stores.  Named Oprah-crombie and Bitch, the stores will have an edgy, hip hop feel and will market plus-sized clothes for today's stylish teens with low self-esteem and weight problems.  Soon all over America, malls will be teeming with overweight teen aged girls wearing ultra low rise jeans and midriff-baring tank tops emblazoned with Oprah's smiling face.